The Best And Worst Of TNA Impact Wrestling 1/3/13: TNA Is Totally Radical

By: 01.04.13

Worst: Kid Kash vs. Christian York

I don’t hate Kid Kash. He’s a serviceable, mid-level talent who, while a little past his prime, can still act as a decent opponent who can put a young guy over in a decent match. This match, though. It was not great. So in lieu of actually writing about this match, you get this instead.


“Oh man, why do they get to have all the fun?”

Christian York let out a frustrated grunt as he landed a spinning heel kick on the stack of empty pizza boxes in front of him. Frustrated, he stomped over to his bed, then proceeded to flop himself down on the mattress.

“How does this even happen? I mean, we’re already a bunch of mutant freaks. Why do they get to wear masks and hang out with a hot read head, and I have to stay down here in the sewers? Just because I’m orange doesn’t mean I’m any less tubular than they are! When do I get to go above ground and kick butt? Is all this training for nothing?”

York sighed, finally permitting the tears to fall. Suddenly, there was a knock on the drain pipe. He rushed to dry his face using his newly bleached dreads. “Come in!” he said, trying his best to sound composed.

Master Splinter shuffled into York’s room. “You did not meet me for your katana lessons as promised, my son. Is something troubling you?”

“N-n-no. N-n-nothing!” York tried, but it was too late. He was now sobbing uncontrollably, his words coming fast and harsh. “UGH! It’s EVERYTHING! Everything’s wrong! I have to stay cooped up down here like some kind of monster while all of my brothers get to go into the city whenever they want. It’s because they’re green and I’m not, isn’t it! I’m weird and a failure and you think I’m going to let everyone down just because I’m different! They get to play heroes all day and I’m trapped down here like…like a loser!”

Splinter took a deep breath, pressing his eyes closed as he did. He knew this would happen sooner or later, but no amount of preparation could ease the sting of guilt he felt in his heart.

“Christian, you are right. You are different. The world is a cruel place, but no more cruel than the prison of our own mind. I have tried to shield you from the world, to keep you safe and happy down here while your brothers fight the injustices and evils up above, but I see now this was not the right path. And for that, I am truly sorry.”

Looking back on this moment, York wished he could have reacted differently. That he would have comforted his father, apologized and thanked him for his love and kindness. Instead, this moment would be one of regret, even shame for him later in life. Running away to Orlando where he could be accepted, nay celebrated, changed Christian York’s life, but at what cost? Losing the respect of his turtle brothers? Never getting to tell his father that for once, he was well and truly free?

If only his father could be there with him now. Here he was about to face his toughest opponent, his own personal Shredder: Kid Kash. Kash had beaten him before. He had the experience, and the battle scars to show for it. But if there wasn’t time for an evening skateboard ride to clear York’s head, there definitely wasn’t time to dwell on the past.

As Christian York descended the ramp at the Impact Zone, he felt a change come over him. He felt stronger, bolder. Splinter had always believed in him, and the thought bolstered York’s courage. His father was there, after all. His father walked behind him in his steps, and lived on in his heart. As he reached the ring, preening to the crowd, York saw a flash of red out of the corner of his eye. He could do this. He could beat Kid Kash. He could beat Kenny King. He could be the next X-Division champion. And maybe, just maybe, he could hang out with a red head of his own.

Worst, with the assist from my boyfriend Matthew: Chavo Guerrero


Miss you, Soaring Eagle. *kisses hand, points to sky*

Best: Joey Ryan’s Pre-Match Preparations

You’re welcome.

Best: Samoa Joe doesn’t understand their love

I’m pretty sure TNA is trying it’s best to make Kurt Angle’s Brischoff shipping as canon as possible, and I am ON BOARD.

Worst: Bully Ray is a bad boyfriend

So, first you get all up in this girls stuff, then you insist that nothing is happening despite video evidence to the contrary, THEN all of a sudden you’re together and willing to defend her? Really?

Brooke, I don’t like you, and you don’t know me, but allow me to be the Get a Grip friend you so sorely need. Take a step back, open those dead, emotionless eyes of yours, and realize that the dude you’re dating basically just insinuated that you are his niece. I know the obvious joke is that you’re into that, but I will avoid it because it’s old hat and also ew. If he’s not stepping up and admitting that you’re the only one he wants to press into the back of an SUV while a television camera films you making out, then maybe you should do yourself a favour and move on. Believe in yourself, girl power, Greatest Love of All lyric, etc. This is a toxic situation and you’re better off.

And don’t waste your time looking at Garrett or Wes. They’re taken.

Best: I see what you did there, Hogan

I can’t get down on this whole thing, because the subtext of this entire storyline is great. Hulk, the road-weary father, has spent his life watching this business chew up and spit out lesser people. Now that his daughter is involved, not only does he have to deal with protecting her from the perceived evils of what has proven to be a hard and tragic business, but also his own mortality as his little girl grows to a woman. She’s got aspirations in a business whose depth she may not be ready to comprehend, no matter how much time she’s spent around her father and his colleagues, and his need to protect her is only further exasperated by the fact that she is also dating Bully Ray. This presents an added betrayal of confidence, given that Hogan and Bully Ray have worked together for so long, and the friendship and trust they’ve built in an environment of shady deals and shadier personalities has suddenly been torn to shreds by the lies of his daughter and one of his most trusted colleagues. Flustered and impotent, Hogan lashes out with the only means of control he has, banishing both his former friend and his own daughter from the ring, the true castle-construct in his own mind.

I mean, come on. This is captivating storytelling to its very core.

Worst: We can’t all live in good intentions, Impact

Unfortunately, instead of getting Carmen at the Met, we get Carmen: The Hip-Hopera: Talented performers (and Brooke) attempting to execute a grand story on a grand level, but instead giving us an underwhelming dud on a sub-par television network.

Also, if this were twenty years ago, Brooke would be four years old, and Bully Ray would be in prison learning a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘tag-team specialist.’

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