Best: Dolph Ziggler’s Vest, Because Holy Shit
If you saw Dolph Ziggler’s metallic, bedazzled, leopard-print vest with pink stitching and f**king SHOULDER SPIKES last night and didn’t mark the hell out for it, you’re doing it wrong. It may have been the very best part of the show. It also inspired the WWE Universe to get CRAZY PHOBIC ON THE INTERNET, as seen here:
I know that’s a parody account and everything, but I take back all those things I said about wanting to see Jim Duggan, because ACTUAL Jim Duggan’s response would’ve been way worse.
Still, Ziggler wins the Rumble, whether he won or not.
Best: Big E Langston
In fact, Ziggler’s only competition for Best In Show is motherf**king BIG E LANGSTON for breaking out an old-timey wrestling interviewer voice and being SHOOT BETTER AT INTERVIEWING THAN ANYBODY WHO HAS DONE BACKSTAGE INTERVIEWS FOR WWE SINCE GENE LEFT. Seriously, Striker, Josh, whoever, watch Big E totally get the fact that wrestling announcers are supposed to be uptight and extremely interested in what you have to say because it is their job, not wet-eyed accusers and sympathy report drones.
I love Ziggy Lee (© With Leather open thread commenters) a lot. It’s starting to concern me that WWE has so many groups of friends I love and want to see succeed (Ziggler/AJ/Big E, Rhodes/Sandow, Kane/Bryan, Del Rio/Ricardo, John Cena/whatever Drop Dead Fred-type creature has been haunting Cena for the last year), but can’t give me enough good wrestling on the regular to justify my interest in their show. When the Rumble started I realized I cared about or liked almost everyone in it, but didn’t really care what happened. That’s weird.
Best/Worst: The Tag Team Match Was Fine, But …
It’s dangerous that I’ve got to add “yeah, but” qualifiers to all the “this was a good match” Bests. Team Hell No defeated Team Road Scholars to retain the Team Tag Team Championships, and it was a good match. YEAH BUT:
1. The tag team division is two teams again. When Daniel Bryan and Kane inevitably break up, and Kane goes off into retirement and Bryan goes off to be The Best Wrestler Ever or Santino’s angry best friend (depending on the fates), it’ll be ONE team. 3MB, the Usos and the Prime Time Players are all afterthoughts. Car Stereo and the Kidd/Gabriel team can’t stay healthy long enough to make any kind of impact. Kofi Kingston’s got a tag team partner curse thing happening, and as much as I’d like to see them bring up PAC and reboot Air Boom (mostly to get Kofi out of singles competition and into tags, where he wouldn’t give me as much to complain about), I don’t want to see poor PAC lose his leg to gangrene or whatever.
2. If the tag team division is only two teams, shouldn’t that second team have, I don’t know, come out on top by now? Team Hell No and Rhodes Scholars secretly have a Cena/Ziggler thing going on, where Cody and Sandow are awesome and great and everybody loves them, and Kane and Bryan have all these plans coming up we’ve imagined so you think NOW is when they’re gonna drop the belts and really do something, but … nope. Another clean loss.
3. Are we just going to keep Kane and Bryan together? Is that the idea? Did we just convince ourselves otherwise at some point? Bryan’s gear is officially just red and black now, which is good because tag teams should have matching gear, but kinda bad because NO BRING BACK THE BURGUNDY THAT IS IMPORTANT TO ME AS A NERD. They got mad at each other in the Royal Rumble, but they’re ALWAYS mad at each other, right? That’s their thing. If they aren’t in the process of breaking up, they aren’t really a team. If they work together, they don’t work. Right?
It’s so hard being a wrestling fan in 2013. We’re always trying to figure out where stuff’s gonna go. Back in the 80s, were there wrestling fans who were always like “yeah, Honky Tonk Man is fine, but I can’t wait until they let him drop the Elvis gimmick and give him a serious push.” Were people waiting for Jake the Snake to drop the snake and put on trunks so he could get that Mania spot? Did we just invent this out of thin air because the actual show isn’t enough to hold our interest?
Worst: Wait, Are We Doing The Rumble Already
I hope you enjoyed the Best And Worst Of WWE Royal Rumble 2013. Here are the top 10 comments of the night!
Best: Drunk JBL
Okay, maybe I’m alone here, but the most fun I had watching the Royal Rumble last night was trying to figure out what the f**k was going on with JBL.
Look at him. LOOK AT HIS FACE. They barely let him talk. When they put to the announce table, Cole and Jerry would be in full on smiley-shill mode, and JBL is just sitting there next to them with glassy eyes, looking at nothing in particular, LAUGHING AT SHIT HE WAS THINKING ABOUT. My group of friends assumed that he was just drunk off his ass, so we listened for everything he said and tried to piece it together.
Sometimes Cole would ask him a question, and there’d just be silence. Other times Cole and Lawler would be talking about something in the match, and JBL would just start yelling YOU GOTTA THROW PEOPLE OUTTA THE RING TO WIN THE MATCH MAHCULL or whatever, explaining the most basic possible point of Rumble strategy. DOLPH ZIGGLER’S SMART MAHCULL HE’S JUST STANDING IN THE RING INSTEAD OF OUTSIDE OF IT WHERE HE’D BE ELIMINATED. In the middle of the Rumble he starts talking about how Natalya and The Great Khali are in an “interspecies relationship.” Watch him when the Rock and Punk come out to the tables during the main. He just sits there gawking at them with his mouth open, and when Cole’s all IT’S THE SHIELD, IT’S THE SHIELD JBL’s just like “what” and starts calling Michael (“Mahcull”) stupid.
The shorter version: Go home, JBL, you’re drunk.