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The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 4/15/13: You’re Not Even Doing It Right

By 04.16.13

Worst: Ryback, You Need A DICK To Be Champion!

John Cena, you guys. John Cena is in FULL ACCENT here, talking about how when people hear “Feed Me More” they know somebody’s about to get hurt (correction: when they hear Feed Me More, it’s because someone has just BEEN hurt), about how Ryback was a coward and didn’t accept a WWE Championship match the correct way (correction: attacking John Cena is the best and easiest way to get a WWE Championship match) and that what you need to be WWE Champion is the space between your ears and a piece between your legs. Cena took off his clothes and challenged Ryback to prove himself, and Ryback, a guy who has only ever moved forward, took the “coward’s way out.” Because he’s the bad guy, and when you’re the bad guy you have to act one specific way.

WWE Pro-tip: When somebody says “jack,” they are the MOST SERIOUS.

There was so much wrong with this. The coward thing. The suggestion that a dick makes you WWE Champion. If that was the case, Tank Toland would be a legend. So would 2 Cold Scorpio, for a different reason. Also, he said Randy Orton was one of his friends. Aside from that whole “he tied me to a ring post and beat me with a kendo stick like I was Jesus Christ” thing, we know this is a lie. Randy Orton doesn’t have friends.

The only good part was The Shield showing up (because “SIERRA, HOTEL” always makes me say “YES” out-loud), and even that wasn’t great, because they took forever to do anything and had no real reason to attack Cena after ignoring him for the last month and a half.

Worst: What The F**k Was THAT Show

Sometimes people on the Internet get bent out of shape about Raw and complain about how bad it is, and WWE can rightfully tell us we don’t know how stories and television work. Sometimes, we are totally right, and WWE needs to read some constructive criticism and pay the f**k attention.

This was a bad show. A really, really bad show. You aren’t telling stories, you’re just doing stuff. Cesaro loses to Kofi after Kofi has been booked as a joke for two months. Kofi beat Cesaro on Smackdown, then beat him again here. What story is that? Ryback acts one way for his entire run, gets a match against Cena and starts immediately acting like all of Cena’s other opponents. Is that the story? Or is the story that you’re bad at stories?

Hopefully next week will be better. Or tragedy won’t occur on a Monday afternoon and I’ll be able to grin and bear some of this more effectively. Either way.

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night


Cody: “What the hell are you doing?”

Hornswaggle: “The cobra.”

Cody: “Nah. You’re doing it wrong. Up higher, right on the Adam’s apple.”

Hornswaggle: “Like this?” (hits the Cobra)

Cody (smiling): “Yeah!” (passes out)


Fandangoing, going, going, gone.

Tobogganing Bear

Tonight it’s like the WWE was given the invention of the wheel and elected to make a brick of shit instead.

Brocky and papermint

So, is dolph being turned face?

If he starts being really mean to AJ and calls her a slut then yes.


CM Punk isn’t leaving, he just needs his line from Sheamus.


Are WWE just going to continue to accumulate authority figures until every backstage segment is like the Star Wars galactic senate?


And somewhere in the back, Zack Ryder is crying because he didn’t know he could get a WWE title shot due John Cena being a bad friend.

TheFairlyMediocreMuta and PT

Finally, Ryback will reveal the secret of the ooze.

Don’t say that! Nash will come back!

See you all next week.

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