Worst: The Return Of The Worst Possible WWE Insult
Last year, I missed the entirety of the post-WrestleMania Raw (aka “the only Raw where stuff happens”) because I was on my way back from Miami and stuck in the Dallas airport. This year I made it home somewhere near the beginning of the Intercontinental Championship match, so all I missed was a short Daniel Bryan/Big E Langston match (more on that in a second) and an opening, celebratory John Cena segment that was capped by him saying Mark Henry had the “breath of a thousand asses.”
If you’re a regular watcher of WWE programming, you’re aware that the only thing WWE thinks is more funny than a dude in a Sherlock Holmes hat and pipe looking for “clues” is somebody saying somebody else has bad breath. They LOVE it. It’s the worst insult they can come up with. Triple H will hold you down on a table and slap your chest like a weirdo for saying his wife’s a whore and his children are worthless and stupid, but he’d probably pull out a gun and shoot you if you told him his breath was like something’s asshole. I like to imagine a scenario where I meet Vince McMahon, shake his hand, then just casually ask him if he needs a mint. I can’t figure out whether he’d start screaming and pointing at me, or if he’d just do that big exaggerated gulp.
Worst: Hey, It’s That Awesome Match I Suggested To Build The Tag Title Match From … Uh, The Day Before This
I think every pre-Mania Best and Worst of Raw featured a line about how Daniel Bryan should have a match on Raw with Big E Langston. It’s just one of those things I wanted to see. I like both guys, Langston could benefit from getting to work with somebody who isn’t Bo Dallas, and Daniel Bryan is arguably at his best going up against huge monster guys. See: Mark Henry, Takeshi Morishima, etc. Not only that, but Daniel Bryan’s offense is like 70% hitting you in the chest with something, and Big E Langston is 70% chest.
Here’s a quick list of reasons why this disappointed me:
1. I didn’t get home in time to see it after asking for it for a month.
2. It was only two minutes long.
3. Daniel Bryan lost a two minute version of any match.
4. It was mostly pointless, because the Ziggler Crew tag title shot happened the night before, and (assuming you’ve seen the rest of Raw) they probably aren’t trying to build to a rematch.
I hope this isn’t the last time we see the match, because I still think it can be great. I also hope that one day Michael Cole attempts to explain why The Big Ending hurts Langston’s opponents, when it looks like Langston is hurting his back and arm and the other guy is just kinda dropping five feet onto his hands and knees.
Best: Let’s Go Barrett, Clap Clap ClapClapClap
So, this made my heart flutter a little bit.
The New Jersey crowd starts chanting for Wade Barrett about midway through this match, and that’s when the post-WrestleMania Raw goes from “normal Raw” to “OH MY GOD THIS RAW.” If they called an audible to give Barrett the win in response to the crowd, good for them. If they didn’t, and scheduled Miz to win the IC title to continue his “I’m good at WrestleMania” gag to just turn around and give it back to Barrett — a guy who held the title forever and only ever seemed to lose, but never lose IT — is a little suspect. Either way, Miz got his clock cleaned while an arena of people cheered, and things seem just a little more right.
I really enjoyed this match. I thought it was better than their Mania effort, helped a lot by a crowd actually giving a shit about what was happening instead of trying to find their seats and squeeze past people and battle ushers. Face Miz continues to recover from his abysmal transition into good-guydom and looks like he’s got the figure-four processes on lock, so that’s a positive. And Barrett? Oh man …
Best: Now THAT’s A Motherf**king Bullhammer
Earlier in the match, Barrett mistimes Miz’s backbreaker-to-neckbreaker combo (or loses his balance, or tries to jump, or SOMETHING) and Miz ends up landing on Barrett’s face. It looked painful. I can’t say for sure whether or not the match-ending Dog Boner elbow strike was a receipt for the f**k-up, but suddenly the wimpiest, worst-looking finish in WWE became a STRAIGHT ELBOW TO THE MOUTH WITH AUTHORITY, and thank Christ.
I’m not saying Wade Barrett should go Full Roderick Strong and just start hitting people for real, but if the Bullhammer looked more like that and less like the World’s Worst Rainmaker, I’d be happy. I am also totally okay with him braining Miz on the reg, because Miz is pretty much the king of f**king up and hurting people, so you can sneak in a few shoot elbow KOs before anybody says anything.
Best: Brickie, Forever And Ever
I feel like I say it every week, but I cannot get enough of Brad Maddox on my television. He doesn’t even have to say anything funny. He just makes faces and covers his mouth and moves his eyebrows around and I’m in. I also love how he’s secretly been this totally positive thing for Vickie. She started out giving him a job just to make Paul Heyman mad, but notice how different she is now from before she had Cornbeef around … before, she was always interrupting people and shouting and yelling at the crowd. Now, she just hangs around backstage in her office, deals with problems as they come to her, and never has to really scream at anybody. She can even send Maddox out for interviews with Matt Striker, or to make impromptu matches. It all seems very low stress.
Sheamus and Randy Orton have got to be the worst dudes on this show, too. I don’t know how Brickie deals with them. They lost the match, you know? They didn’t tag in Show, pissed him off, and lost the match. WWE’s recaps say they lost when Show knocked them out, but they didn’t … they lost, and THEN Show knocked them out. Orton and Sheamus shouldn’t get any special privileges. Brickie was right to just make them wrestle each other and get booed out of the building.