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The Best And Worst Of WWE WrestleMania 29 Live

By / 04.09.13

These assholes

Worst: The Shield Didn’t Come Down In A Helicopter Like I Was Hoping

How great would that have been? Just SIERRA HOTEL INDIA etc. and then a helicopter descends upon the stadium, and then BOOM THE SHIELD ARE REPELLING FROM THE HELICOPTER. I guess you can’t do that in a post-Owen Hart world, especially when one of your repellers is Seth Rollins, a guy who can’t jump from the ring to the floor without trying to decapitate himself. My alternate suggestion was that they climb a rope ladder INTO a helicopter and fly away at the end. Basically I just want somebody in a flying device at my WrestleMania. Santino Marella in a hot air balloon!

Best: Everybody Who Isn’t Randy Orton And Sheamus

The weird thing about WrestleMania 29 is that it was set up to allow me a giant window to bail and go home. Every single match that featured somebody I cared about (Shield/Big White Snake, Henry/Ryback, Hell No/Team Rocket, Fandango/Jericho, and to a lesser degree Taker/Punk) were all in a row, remembering that Rhodes Scholars got bricked. I seriously could’ve left after Taker/Punk and been fine. It turned the entire last half of the event into a bathroom/go see my friends in other parts of the stadium break.

But yeah, the opening match started a wonderful trend of People Brandon Wants To Win winning. I didn’t think The Shield was going to take it unless Orton and Sheamus turned on each other, but hey, no turns happened and they still won! Big Show got in a few great moments, taking down everybody with his very slow, very awesome SPEAR TO ALL, then casually knocking out Sheamus and Orton after the match and making me laugh so hard I almost cried in Danielle’s shoulder. It wasn’t the booking I expected, but it was glorious nonetheless.

The Shield should probably never lose. They should be a consistent example of how getting along and wrestling like an actual team works, and only start taking losses when the WWE Trios community has learned enough from them, formed enough teams, and formed an annual six-man team tournament of some kind. You know, to find out who the “king” of those Trios would be.

(ILU, The Shield)

Best: I Am Happy To Say I Was Right And Also Totally Wrong About Ryback And Mark Henry

Here’s what I wrote two weeks ago in the Best and Worst of Raw column about the idea that Ryback could get Mark Henry up in the Shellshock and march around with him without f**king it up:

I don’t think he can do it. Remember when Ryback tried to Shellshock Paul Heyman, and it didn’t work because Heyman is fat and kinda ovular, and Ryback had been picking up nothing but skinny and/or in-shape guys? He did it fine when he adjusted for it, but it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t the brute, natural power they want the Shellshock to be. Remember when he tried to pick up Lord Tensai and couldn’t, because Tensai is shaped like a big ass dugong, and Ryback only picks up guys like Heath Slater and Jinder Mahal?

Mark Henry is WAY bigger and WAY fatter than Paul Heyman or Tensai. He’s an IMMENSE dude. I don’t think Ryback can Shellshock him and make it look right, at least not in the organic context of a match. Cena can pick up Henry for a finish because he’s just doing a squat. Ryback can probably pick him up, but to hold him in place? Yeah, that’s not going to happen.

An important note about my column: I am almost never right.

So there were two major surprises in this match. The first one is that Ryback COULD get Mark Henry up for the Shellshock, and not only that, he could get him up for it and throw him down in it with authority. I am very, very happy to say that I was wrong, and that Ryback has legitimate superhuman strength. I’m sorry for calling you Mason Ryan all those weeks, Ry. The second surprise is that YEAH MARK HENRY WON ANYWAY, so at least I was right about that. I wish I’d put money on it. This match worked out perfectly, I thought … Ryback got his big WrestleMania moment, and Mark didn’t have to lose to make it happen. High-five.

Worst: Feed Me More Chants

The only bad part of the Henry/Ryback match (besides the actual match not being any good whatsoever … just do Sheamus/Henry or Bryan/Henry for every Mark Henry match, please) was Ryback leading the crowd in a rousing FEED ME MORE chant after he Shellshocked Henry.

I know that’s your cue, studio audience, but … he just lost. He could not finish the food he was given. Why does he get to chant Feed Me More? That was supposed to suggest that the competition he was given was not enough, and he needed more of it. More than two! It doesn’t mean “we like Ryback.” LISTEN TO WHAT YOU’RE CHANTING.

Also, I’m predictably not a big fan of the Sexual Chocolate chant. I tried to get a “Let’s go Skip” counter-chant going, but I guess we’re only remembering past character incarnations for some of these guys. Between this and the “You Can’t Wrestle” chants for Fandango, I’m starting to think nobody in the WWE Universe watches NXT.

I am starting to think it.

Best: Daniel Bryan Gets A WrestleMania Match (No, Really)

Whenever the action in the ring seemed muddled, I’d look up at the video screen to get my bearings. At the beginning of this match, I looked up in time to see Dolph Ziggler and AJ kissing on the ring apron, shot to look identical to Daniel Bryan’s Kiss Of Death 18 Seconds Loss That Ruined My Life last year. It was a momentary recreation of the saddest non-somebody-dying moment of my pro wrestling fan life, and even with the guy I love on the kicking end, my heart imploded and sank and gulped. Thankfully the match continued, Daniel Bryan got to spend more than 20 seconds in a WrestleMania match that actually appears on a WrestleMania pay-per-view, and … things are better.

Of course, I’d rather Daniel Bryan still be the World Heavyweight Champion and not the comedy sidekick of Kane, defending meaningless tag team titles against guys with better things to do, but it’s a small apology for last year’s horrible horrible horrible thing, and that’s something. I get to tell people I saw my favorite wrestler win a match at WrestleMania. That’s cool.

now let’s never speak of that 18 second thing again


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