The Major League Baseball Lifetime Pass is like Willy Wonka’s golden ticket, except instead of allowing a person to take a tour of a chocolate factory and possibly develop diabetes in record time, it grants the person who possesses it lifetime access to any MLB stadium of that person’s choice. Needless to say, based on that very brief description, I already want one and will kick and scream until I eventually pass out.
Toronto Blue Jays outfielder Jose Bautista doesn’t have to go to such extremes apparently, as he is the most recent recipient of this glorious card, posted to his Instagram account over the weekend. Nobody knows much about baseball’s gold card – save for BuzzFeed’s gallery and a quick Google search that shows you where you can buy Dave Parker’s gold card – but apparently they are awarded to people “in appreciation of long and meritorious service”.
Perhaps the most touching story of how some people earned their cards was conveyed by Les Carpenter of the Washington Post back in 2006, when he told the story of how the 52 Americans, who were held hostage in Iran for 444 days between 1979 and 1981, received them as part of a barrage of gifts.
But I’m left to wonder how Bautista, who has only been a big leaguer since 2004, suddenly qualifies for one of the cards. And I think the only logical answer is that he has nude photos of Bud Selig. Well, guess what – I do, too.
Good luck scrubbing that out of your brains.