Worst: John Cena, Still Extremely Stupid
Here’s what John Cena had written on the inside of his arm as he began last night’s show-opening promo, which could’ve just been him saying “I made a mistake wrestling last week, but I feel better now, and I’m ready to face Ryback” and us fast-forwarding to the Vickie Guerrero parts:
✓ 1. ape Daniel Bryan’s catchphrase without ever mentioning that Bryan got his ass beaten by The Shield last week because of my overconfidence
✓ 2. make gay jokes about Ryback
✓ 3. say “DTF” on Raw, which will go over the heads of everyone who doesn’t know exactly what I’m saying
✓ 4. reference Fandango, which makes “DTF” not its actual definition, but is still probably a gay joke
✓ 5. call Vickie Guerrero gross and ugly for no reason
✓ 6. make stupid decision because I’m a WWE good guy and we have no logic or reason
✓ 7. hilarious impressions
8. call somebody “Jack”
He didn’t get around to the last one, but he did call Ryback “pal,” so we’ll count it. Last night’s opening scene seemed built to enforce the idea that to be a heel in WWE you have to be reasonable and smart, and to be a babyface you have to be ignorant, yell jokes non-stop and pretend like nothing bothers you.
John Cena compromised last week’s main event and the future of the WWE by competing hurt, cost his team the match by tagging in and trying to do ridiculous rolling deadlifts despite KNOWING he was hurt and lost another in a series of matches to the bad guy team that has been destroying people on WWE TV since November. How does he own up to that? With humility? Admitting that he let his ego get the best of him and apologizing to Daniel Bryan and Kane, who put their necks out for him? Nope! He just jokingly brushes it off and makes the same mistake again, being so confident in his shit’s scent that he openly gives up the chance to choose the stipulation in his championship match against Ryback at Extreme Rules.
What the f**k are you doing, dude
Ryback smartly capitalizes on this opportunity by choosing a Last Man Standing match, which benefits him because (1) The Shield have been the only people capable of putting him down for ten seconds, and that took three of them, and (2) Cena’s ankle is busted, so he doesn’t even have to knock Cena out, he just has to keep him on the ground. But hey, Ryback is the “world’s biggest complainer,” right? He complains! I think I’d rather by an intelligent complainer than a guy who hurts himself for no reason and makes children laugh by calling his opponent gay.
Note: This could be why I’m a blogger and not a pro wrestler.
Best: Randy Orton Gets Sonned
WWE does this weird thing where they’ll have a match on Smackdown and do it exactly the same on the next Raw for no reason, and that’s what Orton/Sandow was. The Smackdown match ended with Sandow beating up Orton after the loss, so Orton had to beat him up and make it all the way up the ramp for it to count, I guess? Anyway, you know an Orton match isn’t great when he gets visibly upset trying to do his spots (watch him shrug when Sandow’s sorta bouncing off the ropes while he’s trying to do his “hunting” taunt), and it was more or less an extended squash.
That said, Sandow absolutely SONNED Orton on the way to the ring. If you’re gonna sing parody lyrics to a wrestler’s theme song, do what Sandow did: spit the truth, and tell Randy Orton he’s a weird, boring and greasy. Sandow’s takedown was my favorite moment of the show, and I love it when I can say “thank you” in the pause before his “YOU’RE WELCOME” and mean it. Damien Sandow for Money in the Bank winner, please and thank you.
Because the Internet is fast and had this ready last night, here’s Sandow’s ‘Voices’ remix sex to Orton’s TitanTron video. Rhodes Scholars > Rev Theory
Best: Big Show, Shadowmaster
Sadly, Orton didn’t make it out of the ring and all the way up the ramp without getting attacked, because he’s feuding with Big Show, who is seven-feet tall and 500 pounds but also equipped with a camo singlet/cloaking device that renders him undetectable until hands are thrown. If Big Show wasn’t already one of my favorites, his tendency to show up out of nowhere and punch the god damn out of people I hate would make him one. Orton’s “where am I” sell of the punch was also great, because it’s the exact same expression he had on his face wrestling Sandow.
If Vickie’s handing out Extreme Rules stipulation choices all willy-nilly, she needs to offer one up to Show, and he needs to pick a “punch Randy Orton to death” match. First person to punch Randy Orton to death wins! That would be the best match ever. Big Show trying to sneak in KO punches between Orton Jack’s Smirking Revenging himself.
Worst: Of Course Cool Dad Thinks Fandango Sucks, But Loves Tons Of Funk. Of Course He Does
How are these “Chris Jericho says Fandango’s name wrong” jokes workin’ out for you? They’re great! Here’s one: Fan Doo-doo dingo! Give me a million dollars.
I’ve done the “Fandango is a cool guy who is into his hobbies and hangs out with beautiful dancing ladies/Chris Jericho is an aged Bon Jovi with a toilet brush faux-hawk who speaks in baby talk” thing a few times, so I won’t do it again. I will, however, point out that while Fandango is hanging out with beautiful dancing ladies, Chris Jericho has chosen to be on the side of two fat guys in matching track suits and a mentally-distressed rapping dick-thruster whose best friend is an invisible 8-year old. Feel free to choose whichever side seems like the better way to live your life.
Best: Welcome Back, Actual Fandango Dancer
I take back what I said about Sandow … the Best Best of Raw is the return of FANDANGO DANCE PARTNER ALPHA.
She goes by many names. Ann Dango, Jan Dango, Fandangal. “Scaramouche,” because she “does the Fandango.” No matter what you call her, she’s superior in every way to her NXT replacement Summer Rae. I’m sure they’re just rotating out the dance partners when necessary, but I hope Summer got demoted for not being able to do The Splits last week. Fandangal can do the splits. She can do ANYTHING. She’s a wonderful part of making this work. All she needs is a name, and the solemn promise that she will never be involved in a story where she falls in love or is beaten up by anybody. Just let her dance and wink and be wonderful to us.
Best: Fandango, Still
He shows up and says his name, and makes us happy. Who does that sound like?