At some point during the chaos of the Miami Heat’s incredibly perseverant, come-from-behind 103-100 OT Game 6 victory over the San Antonio Spurs last night, something magical happened – LeBron James lost his trademark headband. Of course, people lost their sh*t over this, because the Internet is full of people who believe in superstition and mystical powers provided by fuzzy sweat-blockers that hide receding hairlines.
Needless to say, what quickly turned into the trending topic, #NoHeadband, became the easiest thing that sports media folks could run with until Game 7 begins tomorrow night, because why on Earth would we talk about things like how much Manu Ginobili is hurting the Spurs with his sloppy play or how Chris Bosh is playing in the face of immense criticism from the media and fans alike, when we could talk about whether or not one player should wear a headband?
Now, if I sound a little too cynical right now, it’s only because all of this #NoHeadband chatter is ignoring the fact that many great people throughout history had, in fact, only become famous and more successful once they shed their own trademark headbands. And I know this because I am a certified world historian with degrees from schools and places, and I can further verify by presenting these 100% accurate and legitimate photographs.
Jesus once wore a headband. It’s true, it’s in the Bible. He was out jogging one day, so he needed the headband to keep the sweat out of his eyes. But afterward he stopped at a friend’s house and forgot to take it off. He figured, “Hey, maybe I can make this a new thing – headbands for any occasion”, but his bro was like, “JC, dude… you look like a total ‘bag” and Jesus laughed it off like it was a mistake.
Afraid of being judged further, Jesus never wore the headband again and went on to become the greatest hockey player in history.
While we don’t know a lot about dinosaurs since stupid Congress won’t let us clone them, we do know that they sweated more than any other animals or mammals in history. In fact, many scientists now agree with my zero-page report on perspiration and dehydration being the real reason that dinosaurs went extinct after they were defeated by aliens.
As they thrived, many dinosaurs wore headbands to battle their sweat, but they interfered with their tiny pea brains and made them stupid. Once they took them off, though, the dinosaurs invented lasers.
People have “discovered” in recent years that William Shakespeare may have stolen some of his popular works from his rival, while other people believe that Billy Shakes, as he was known to the Queen, was just a face and personality chosen to represent the works of another author who simply craved to avoid the paparazzi and gossip sites.
But the truth was that Shakespeare struggled with writer’s block brought about by bouts of depression and issues with self-confidence. He wore the headband as a means of “looking cooleth”; however, it wasn’t until his good friend, Richard Burbage, told him to “Cut that sh*t out” that he was able to take it off and feel at one with his writing.
Known mostly as the first and only guy to ever discover America and make friends with everyone around him in the process, according to my Florida grade school books, Christopher Columbus may have never made his legendary voyage, had it not been for an unexpected run-in with Queen Isabella.
Columbus was on his way to his day job of inseminating cattle, when Isabella spotted him because of his unique headband. She stopped him and told him that he would look better without it, adding, “Oh and would you have any interest in sailing around looking for sh*t?” Columbus figured it was better than sticking his arm up a cow’s butt, and – bingo bango – America was born and I get to post dog GIFs all day.
One of the most famous paintings of all-time, the Mona Lisa was almost never made because Leonardo Da Vinci couldn’t stand the woman that he’d chosen for the portrait. Leo and Mona met at a night club the night before he had to turn in his entry assignment at the Ft. Lauderdale Art Institute, and because he couldn’t find the picture of the turtle that he was planning to draw, he decided to paint the girl who was passed out in his studio loft.
The problem was that Mona was wearing this ridiculous headband and wouldn’t take it off because it held her weave in place, which prompted Da Vinci to famously invent the c-word. After some sweet talking and a bottle of Fireball, Leo talked her into taking it off, but then she got even weirder and started tearing her clothes off. Eventually, he just gave her a hundred bucks to sit still for an hour and quit “acting like a psycho”.
What a lot of people don’t know about Abraham Lincoln was that the 16th President and Great Emancipator was actually a huge shut-in, who was terrified of going out in public because of his receding hairline. He believed that balding men were among the weakest of all humans and he acted as such by always covering his shameful hair reality with various devices, including a headband.
Eventually, his wife, Mary Todd, convinced him that he needed to be strong to lead the country, so he gave up the headband in favor of the iconic top hat, mainly because it compensated for his tiny penis.
I bet you thought I was going in a different direction with this one. Come on, I'm not that horrible of a person.
Prior to what many people are so callously referring to as a “meltdown”, Amanda Bynes was a rather plain and boring young lady. In fact, while I don’t remember any of her films, I did find this image of her from one movie and she looks like a boy. And look at her now without that totally real headband and she looks like an angelic, grown woman capable of conquering the world.
I had to actually break into Kate Upton’s house and rummage through all of her personal belongings and computer files to find this old beach vacation photo of her, but as you can see, she was no Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover model during her own headband phase.
I also left her directions to a wedding chapel written on her bathroom mirror in dove blood, but that really doesn’t have anything to do with what we’re talking about here.
Finally, look no further than our own White House for the perfect example of how losing a headband helped propel one man to the highest point of his professional life. When Barack Obama was growing up in Kenya* and making a living selling drugs to schoolchildren*, he had an African headband that he wore everywhere. One day, though, a recruiter from the Illuminati* showed up to interview him and informed him that the New World Order had a no headgear policy.
Realizing what was at stake, Obama agreed to lose the headband and pay some of the money that he’d been saving to purchase his own opium farm* for a fake birth certificate* so he could go to the U.S. and spread socialism* after becoming president.