The Best And Worst Of Impact Wrestling 3/27/14: I Choo-Choo-Choose You

By: 03.28.14

Best: Handsome Boy Hunting Trip

Just a reminder that two dudes traipsing around in the woods to hunt down the physical manifestation of the company’s top babyface’s rage is the thing that makes the most sense on this show. Bless you and your sunglasses, EC3. Bless you.

Best, but realistically a Worst: American Wolves vs. My Pet Monster

This was not a good match. Not good at all. But I can’t worst it. Not really. Abyss wrestles like he’s still Joseph Park, which is not a great thing, but also is a thing that makes me happy. I miss Joseph Park every day, and it’s all too easy to imagine that he’s still around when Abyss derps around the ring, all winded in the corner, coming out to flail his limbs and looked surprised a bunch. Big scary monster indeed!

I also enjoy that, while Magnus tapped, he blew it off because that match and the Wolves don’t matter, and why would he stress himself going into a title match next week? That is an arrogant prick response and I am so into Magnus right now what is even happening. Abyss grabbing and holding the title for Magnus is probably to show that he’s starting to think he might want that instead of the arrangement he and Magnus have, but I am in full friendship mode and am going to pretend he’s just carrying it for him because Magnus just had a match and that belt is really heavy and it’s the nice thing to do when you’re bigger and stronger than your friend. Like carrying the heavier bags of groceries, or taking your friend’s luggage when you pick them up from the airport. It’s like Willy Deville once sang: let me dream if I want to.

Worst: Uggghhhhhh nooooo

Whomever it was who decided that any of this was a good idea should be fired pretty much immediately.

Best: Uggghhhhhh yessssss

If you can sit and watch Ethan Carter III stand in a rundown barn and get lost in himself imagining little Jeff Hardy practicing his swantons off of ladders in that very spot and not come around to the realization that he is so much better than anything else on this show, then I’m sorry, but you are the most wrong. The most wrong.

Worst: Do you know who I am because I am hoping that you’ve forgotten for the purpose of my new storyline

This massive gear shift between guy who wants to murder babies and guy who is so beloved by fans (some of whom are suspiciously built and mulleted like indie wrestlers) that they will carry his tables to the ring for him is…confusing. It is a literal Table Movement ((pause for laughter, put a pin in Bowel Movement joke)). Heel turns and face turns happen all the time, but what are his motivations for this? Is he still a guy who’s into domestic abuse and baby murder, we just like him better now?

He says that he turned on Dixie Carter and by extension Bobby Roode to stop Roode from becoming just like her, but it seems to me that having nice hair, a developed presence on the mic, a spunky assistant, a caring family who’s also charming and kinda dreamy (I am absolutely not talking about Serge and his weird gun obsession), and a champion who got amazing just by being around you who you also happen to have an old lady crush on so you get to have him around all the time is a pretty aspirational life goal, n’est ce pas? Plus, you know…she still is the owner, and Bobby Roode wouldn’t have a controlling share (he was offered 10%) and therefore nowhere near the pull that Dixie had (and should still technically have), but…whatever.

Babyface Baby Murderer sounds like a good idea to someone, so we’re doing this. And this suuuuuucks.

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