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Vladimir Putin Is To Hockey What Kim Jong-Il Claimed To Be To Everything

By 05.12.14
Putin is good at amateur hockey

The Wire


Well, embarrassed Americans, it’s time to add hockey to the list of things that Barack Obama can’t do as well as Russian President and ultimate man’s man Vladimir Putin. On Saturday, Putin participated in an exhibition amateur hockey game and scored 6 goals and 5 assists in his team’s 21-4 rout of the opposition. Making his feat even more impressive is the fact that his teammates included former NHL players Valery Kamensky and Pavel Bure, and neither of them could hold a candle to the incredible power and determination, as well as the manliest of physiques, as set forward by the great leader of Russia, as Putin can do anything he sets his mind to.

Seriously, Putin hasn’t even played that long. He just decided one day that he wanted to be good at hockey and so he set out to become the greatest hockey-playing world leader in history. Stuff your 18 holes-in-one up your butt, Kim Jong-Il.

“Vladimir Vladimirovich [Putin] has set himself the goal of playing hockey. Several years ago he said: ‘I will do it!’ Now you can see the result – six goals. One needs all the skillfulness to score so many times. That the president of the world’s largest country with a busy schedule has learnt to play ice hockey and found time for that is an indication of his excellent shape,” Bure said. (Via ITAR-TASS and The Wire)

The name of the league that hosted this exhibition is the Night Hockey League, which plays its games in the stray dog capital of the world, Sochi, so Putin can now add “NHL star” to his long list of accomplishments. I don’t want to say that I’m 100 percent sure that the league was given that name for this very reason, but I am 100 percent sure that Putin has told everyone he knows that he’s the best NHL player in the world today. And if they didn’t laugh, they were fed to the strays. You know, hypothetically speaking.

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TAGSHOCKEYPAVEL BUREputinRUSSIASOCHIVLADIMIR PUTIN

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