Albert Pujols is a Machine
Albert Pujols used to be the best baseball player in the world and people in St. Louis called him nicknames like “The Machine” and “El Hombre.” Then, he switched uniforms and now I don’t even know if he plays baseball anymore. I think he retired to explore the secret of his real age.
Henrik Lundqvist and the New Chef
Fun fact: If you put any Muppet in a commercial, I will immediately love it. If you put the Swedish Chef in a commercial, I will watch it a million times and giggle endlessly each time like it’s my first viewing.
Landon Donovan’s Copy Machine Outburst
Once upon a time, Landon Donovan was more than just an ESPN World Cup analyst who sorely needed to work on his charisma and on-screen presence. He was an American soccer hero who inspired laughs in this simple yet fantastic SportsCenter ad.
Abby Wambach, Too
Long before soccer flopping became a cable news trolling point for American exceptionalism, it was just something that people liked to make fun of. This commercial is 100 percent accurate.
Alex Ovechkin is a Spy
As the rest of the world drifts toward a new Cold War, so does ESPN’s ad team. Personally, I would have preferred the stereotype that Russians can drink more or they fight bears for fun, but I’m always a sucker for some good, old-fashioned espionage.
Rafael Nadal is Handsome
Did you know that tennis god Rafael Nadal is considered to be quite attractive by females all over the world? Well, it turns out that he’s cheating and using his own sort of enhancements to steal women from the rest of us.
Brian Wilson’s Beard is Terrifying
One of the scariest movie scenes that I can remember from my childhood had Pee Wee Herman listening to Large Marge tell the story of a twisted, burning wreck, before her face exploded into that of a monster’s. This Brian Wilson spot sort of reminds me of that, but it’s more like the scene from Beetlejuice that doesn’t reveal just how scary the face is. I guess it’s better for people who appreciate suspense.