Carl Pavano’s Mustache Is A Loser

Back in October, the American Mustache Institute announced its list of the 19 finalists for the Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year, and now you can breathe again because a winner has been chosen. The world of sports was represented by Major League pitcher Carl Pavano, Sacramento mayor and former Phoenix Suns guard Kevin Johnson, Chicago Blackhawks coach Joel Quenneville, Major League Baseball umpire Jim Joyce, and the UTEP Miners mascot, Paydirt Pete. So which one of these spectacular sports figures won the glorious honor? None of them. Bunch of worthless jerks.

Instead, the 2010 Goulet Award was presented to firefighter Brian Sheets at a ceremony in St. Louis, Missouri, where the local women undoubtedly had to shave their mustaches to not one-up the winner. Sheets is from the beautiful and heavenly utopia of Orlando, FL, where he’s a firefighter, EMT and fire academy instructor. He received 22% of the 500,000 votes to earn the honor, while Pavano finished in third with 15%. Suck it, Pavano.

Twirl your Rollie Fingers, Asylum and tell us how the big winner feels…

The ruggedly handsome Sheets, upon being handed the Goulet Award plaque and a dapper $3 crown, was overwhelmed.

“Winning is a great honor for me, as well as for all the firemen who have served under the influence of the mustache,” a humbled Sheets said with tears in his eyes. “A man without a mustache — is he really a man? I believe not, considering the command presence and extraordinary power that comes with one. And this great honor tells me my beliefs are taking me in the right direction.”

Earlier this year, Sheets founded Firemen With Mustaches, a nonprofit organization that raises awareness and money for the families of firefighters killed in the line of duty. In my book, though, all of these finalists were winners because I’m a f*cking grown man and I still can’t grow a mustache.

Stick around for some Goulet after the jump…

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