05.20.08 9 years ago 16 Comments

 I didn't realize before reading Jeff Passan's "Let's make it better" piece on Y! SPORTS (I always say, why not sports? Hey, these are the fucking jokes, people) that interleague play is now in its 12th season as a fixture in Major League Baseball. So Jeff, after saying that he likes interleague play, came up with a lazy list of potential changes, which is a lot like me telling my wife, "Yes, darling, I love you as you are. But could you possibly squint more and scream at me in broken English a bit more often?"

The logical idea: Designated hitter in both parks To make the first idea fair, MLB needs to implement this one. Don’t punish the AL by making its pitchers hit. Give NL fans a chance to see the DH in their home parks a few times a season. If these games are going to count for home field, there can be no sign of league bias.

Jeff, I'm sure you're a great guy and all that, but even the most vinegarish of douchebags would never consider the DH to be "logical." Those fuckfaces can bring their bats if they want to play in our parks. And I'm pretty sure that watching the DH hit would look a lot like, oh, every other player batting ever, not to mention the fact that you'd be putting every National League team at a disadvantage. In its own yard, no less. Ah, but this is just what you wanted, isn't it Passan? I walked right into your baseball dojo and gave you the debate you were seeking, very crafty for a Spaniard. You win this round.

I continue taking a shit on Jeff's lazy column after the jump.  

The brilliant idea: Home-field advantage in World Series goes to the league with the best record in interleague play. …In the absence of awarding home field in a fashion that makes sense – you know, uh, giving it to the team with the best record – this is a compromise that energizes interleague play and ends the All-Star game farce.

So you've replaced an idea that doesn't make sense with…an idea that doesn't make sense. A 1-game farce beats a 252-game farce every time. The sheen coming off my ballsack is more brilliant.

The simple idea: Better rivalries OK, we’ve got the Subway Series, North Side vs. South Side, the Beltway Series, L.A.’s Freeway Series, the Highway Series (I-70 for St. Louis-K.C. and I-71 for Cleveland-Cincinnati), the Bay Bridge Series, the Lone Star Series and the biggest of ‘em all this year, the Sunshine Series. Now can we please take care of some issues, like the Cubs playing the AL East this season – and not facing the Red Sox or Yankees. Or the White Sox and Brewers, about a 90-minute drive, not playing since 2001.

I don't see what difference it makes to whom the Cubs lose.

The progressive idea: Neutral sites for non-traditional matchups.

You mean like…Japan? Did you cheat on your homework as a kid?

The outlandish idea: The interleague draft. Drafts provide great entertainment when the commodities are known, and in this case, the commodities would be teams. Every other year, one league’s teams would “draft” opponents for one series. For example: Pittsburgh finished last in the NL last season, so it would get the No. 1 draft choice this year. Would it pick Oakland, because the A’s were supposed to be rebuilding? Or might it have chosen Boston, a superior team that would almost guarantee sellout crowds for three consecutive nights?

Just what baseball fans are pining for: more rewards for shitty teams.

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