ESPN’s number muncher and Playboy Playmate judge, jury and executioner Darren “Sh*t Biscuit” Rovell and someone named Justine Gubar, who probably has far less Twitter followers than Rovell, have the scoop of the century, you guys. According to their “sources,” Texas A&M quarterback and Heisman Trophy winner Johnny Manziel is under investigation by the NCAA over claims that he accepted “a five-figure flat fee” for “signing hundreds of autographs on photos and sports memorabilia” during the BCS Championship Game weekend earlier this year.
That’s a pretty serious accusation, as Manziel could be ruled ineligible this year, and that would greatly damage his chances of being drafted by an NFL team. So just how damning is the evidence against Manziel?
Both sources said they witnessed the signing, though neither saw the actual exchange of money.
SOMEONE PLUG IN THE ELECTRIC CHAIR! THIS BASTARD MUST BURNNNNNN!
Three sources said Manziel signed photographs, footballs, mini football helmets and other items at the request of an autograph broker named Drew Tieman. Two sources, who are aware of the signing arrangement, told “Outside the Lines” that Tieman approached Manziel on Jan. 6, when he landed at Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport to attend the game between Alabama and Notre Dame the next day.
After that meeting, three sources said, Manziel, accompanied by his friend and personal assistant Nathan Fitch, visited Tieman’s residence and signed hundreds of items in the main room of the apartment despite the fact that there were many people in the room. Before Manziel left South Florida, after taking in the title game, he signed hundreds of autographs more, one source said.
The source also told “Outside the Lines” that James Garland, the NCAA’s assistant director of enforcement, in June contacted Tieman and at least one person associated with the signings. The source said Garland, who did not return calls from “Outside the Lines” for comment, told the person that he wanted to talk about Manziel signing items that had appeared for sale on eBay. An NCAA spokeswoman cited NCAA policy to “Outside the Lines” and declined to comment.
Again, nobody saw a dime change hands, and this is all speculation from several people who were in the room at Tieman’s house. To clarify just how ridiculous this report is, we’re prematurely condemning Manziel and Drew Tieman based on the speculation of sources that were in a room with “many people” and other unnamed sources who simply heard something about something from someone who knows something.
Basically, Manziel is guilty of signing autographs in front of a bunch of people who were playing the telephone game. Does that mean that Manziel isn’t guilty of accepting money for those hundreds of autographs and therefore violating an NCAA rule? No. But this “sources” bullsh*t is just getting so old already.
Wait, hold on a sec… my own sources are now giving me some additional information…
- I’m told that Manziel not only autographed all of the items, but he also did it with a pen that he stuck between his butt cheeks.
- Sources say Manziel squatted over the table and shouted, “THE CHINESE AREN’T TO BE TRUSTED!!!”
- People who know people who read this story tell me that Manziel was also born with both male and female genitalia and wants his new nickname to be Shady GaGa.
- The guy at my local gas station who has watched football before claims that he’s never heard of Manziel, which could also spark an NCAA investigation to determine if Johnny Football is even an actual person.
- I’m told by at least one dog in my house that Manziel wants his tummy rubbed and will steal your spot on the couch if you get up to get more pistachios.
- A source that might just be a person that I looked at one time back in high school tells me that Manziel told people last night that he and Riley Cooper are going to start a whites-only football league.
- Finally, a source close to my pool lady told me that Manziel is actually the son of one of the five prostitutes that Craig James killed while attending SMU.
Is it true? I don’t know, but “sources” told me that it all happened, so I can go ahead and print it now and let the NCAA investigators fill in all the facts later, I guess.