NBA Round Up: The Magic Are Back?

Orlando Magic 88, Atlanta Hawks 82

I’m a bit of a conspiracy theorist when it comes to sports, especially the NBA, so indulge me if you will. Last night’s Game 2 matchup between the Orlando Magic and Atlanta Hawks was aired on NBA TV opposite the Boston Celtics-New York Knicks game for one of three reasons:

1) It was a boring game that nobody cared about.
2) David Stern really hates the Magic.
3) The league has lost $300 million in the past year so the network has to make a few bucks somehow.

Despite my tendency to lean to No. 2, the truth is a little of all 3. Regardless, it’s totally asinine to put one of your league’s top stars – Dwight Howard – on a second tier network like he’s George Lopez. But that’s another argument for another day. In the meantime, let’s talk about the main point of the game – the Chicago Bulls are gonna cruise to the Eastern Conference Finals.

I’m not saying the Magic and Hawks are bad, but Colin Firth called them bland. When JJ Redick is the high point of a game, even Lifetime is too good of a venue for these teams. But they have to play, so it is what it is. In the meantime, there’s really only one aspect of last night’s game that is worth noting, and it’s not Howard’s 42nd career playoff double-double in 53 postseason appearances.

Gilbert Arenas makes roughly $20 million a year to be the worst player I have ever seen in my life. He’s Steve Francis bad if Steve had no legs. Even worse, the Magic are rumored to be restructuring Gilbert’s contract to keep him in Orlando for 5 more years. At some point he and I are going to have to sit down and discuss the problems between us. I just hope there’s not a crowbar anywhere near me.

Page 2

Boston Celtics 96, New York Knicks 93

Say hi to your mom for me.

A buddy of mine asked me last night, “If you’re so convinced that David Stern has an agenda and the NBA is fixed then why are the Knicks down 2-0?” While that’s a great question, I won’t answer it until they’ve played Game 3 because I think the tables will turn when these teams head to Madison Square Garden. Call it a hunch, but I can’t imagine the Knicks losing another close game on the league’s biggest stage. We might even see some questionable officiating, but that’s a stretch. *fart noise*

So let’s ask ourselves, what was the highlight of this game?

A) Rajon Rondo dropping 30 points and proving again that he is without a doubt the best point guard in the league.*
B) Mike D’Antoni basically calling this game a moral victory and making me want to fire him into the sun on a rocket.
C) Carmelo Anthony couldn’t play defense against a girl’s middle school team.

That’s an obvious answer, of course, but while LaLa’s husband is being praised for scoring 42 of his team’s 96 points, he’s really not getting enough credit for being one of the most lethargic players on the court at any time. Keep in mind, I only caught glimpses of this game in between ordering Three Olives bombs and cursing Gilbert Arenas’ name, but I can recall at least 5 times that I asked someone: “Does this guy even give a sh*t?”

And the quick and easy answer is Yes, and he’s going to win in Game 3 and we will praise his efforts because he is rumored to be a superstar. So they say.

(P.S. – Quote of the game: “The Celtics didn’t do anything special. They won two games on their home court. Now it’s our turn to go to our home court and try to do the same thing.” – Carmelo Anthony. Someone want to explain to Melo that he’s two non-special performances away from a summer in the Hamptons?)

*Arguable, I know. But for as much as I dislike the Celtics, I think it speaks volumes about my praise for little RuPaul.

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