03.25.08 10 years ago 96 Comments

When you spend all day on the Internet like I do, you see some fucked up and pathetic things.  But this may take the cake.  I hope, I pray, I plead to my aloof God that this website is an elaborate ruse.  It's called "Can the Cubs Mend My Heart?" and there's not really any way I can put it into words.  A man in Chicago dated a woman for nine months, she broke up with him, and now he's made a website about the break-up, his broken heart, and (I suppose, eventually) about the Cubs.  By all means, explore for yourselves.  This isn't even CLOSE to the most pathetic excerpt:

Not sure if I’m over reacting… being a whiny little puss… taking a major risk and putting myself WAY out there for some major embarrassment (boy did this take some HUGE cojones). But, hey… I did it! I went nuts and made this site. Seriously… nuts. I worked on it for 15 straight hours today, didn’t leave the house, and all I ate were some raisins I found in the cabinet (I travel so much for work, that there’s basically no friggin food in my house… and of course, [my girlfriend] always made wonderful things for me to eat). Man, my mom’s gonna kill me when she reads that. […]

p.s. What if she realizes she made a huge mistake, and comes back? What do I do? (She told me that it’s possible she’s making a mistake, but right now this is how she feels. I told her I can’t sit around and wait for her… I’ve gotta move on. She knows that. )

Oh man this guy's gonna get DESTROYED.  The first rule of the Internet is that you don't talk about your feelings unless you're cloaked in at least four layers of irony and/or anonymity.  Those are the twin beacons of safety in the Wild Web West.  Sincere people on the Internet are like an 18th century infant with small pox and polio: their life will be a cruel, short existence.  

Dude, there's only one effective salve for a broken heart: time away from the broad and copious amounts of whiskey.  It sure as fuck ain't the Cubs.  Not with Kerry Wood as the closer.

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