There’s simply too much going on after two weeks of NFL action to limit my thoughts to just a few things, especially since I watch every single game with the focus of a drunken toddler. And since I’m also a self-loathing Miami Dolphins fan, I’m quickly turning my attention more to next year’s ultimate prize – screw the Super Bowl – Andrew Luck.
So welcome to the first installment of the “Suck for Luck” Power(less) Rankings, where we’ll be monitoring the crappier teams and their hopeless freefalls toward the No. 1 draft pick in the 2012 NFL Draft. A few notes before we begin:
1) The rankings in no way indicate actual draft orders, as they’re just my week-to-week opinions. They also do not represent teams that necessarily need a QB, so don’t argue that certain teams wouldn’t draft Luck. Even if a team with a QB winds up with that top pick, they’ll still trade it for a desperate team’s entire draft.
B) Please remember that all power rankings are just, in fact, opinion and in no way represent actual standings or any kind of impact on the actual game.
III) This is mostly just a way for us fans of lousy teams to fend off sports depression and suicide threats. Damn you, 7-day waiting periods.
Now on with the fun…
1. Indianapolis Colts (0-2) – As the fellas at our cooler older brother, Kissing Suzy Kolber, have already pondered – do you really want to live in a world in which the Colts can give Andrew Luck the Aaron Rodgers comfort zone behind Peyton Manning for a year or two? It’s a terrifying thought.
2. Miami Dolphins (0-2) – The Dolphins may be 0-2 and look incredibly foolish for letting both Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams – and possibly even Channing Crowder – walk, but Tony Sparano doesn’t give a squat about Luck because he won’t be around to enjoy him.
3. Kansas City Chiefs (0-2) – Jamaal Charles, the fruit of my fantasy football loins, is out for the season. Todd Haley looks to be on the verge of a fantastic press conference meltdown. What’s your prediction? I’ve got Week 5.
4. Seattle Seahwaks (0-2) – Sidney Rice may have a torn labrum, which sounds so filthy. Either way, the Seahawks may not even benefit from playing in the NFC West. If only there had been some way for the team to know that Pete Carroll isn’t a good NFL coach.
5. Minnesota Vikings (0-2) – Positive – Adrian Peterson looks phenomenal. Negative – Donovan McNabb is still himself. I hope Christian Ponder has been warming up.
6. New York Giants* (0-1) – Settle down, New York fans. I know that these woes are because of a crippled defense. And while I’m predicting that the Giants lose tonight, they would drop a few spots if they prove me wrong.
7. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-1) – Sure, Jacksonville has a win, but I’m not counting wins against Indy.
8. Carolina Panthers (0-2) – The best thing that could happen to Carolina would be to get the No. 1 pick again and trade it for 4 or 5 picks. Worst case scenario, the Panthers win some games and Cam Newton continues to look pretty damn good.
9. San Francisco 49ers (1-1) – Originally, I would have predicted the 49ers tanking the season to grab Luck. Now I think they can win the NFC West, despite having Alex Smith. Funny how a good coach can change things.
10. Arizona Cardinals (1-1) – The Cardinals’ defense is atrocious. Kevin Kolb can be good, but not good enough to make up for a defense that allowed Rex Grossman to pull off a come-from-behind. This defense has so many holes that Antonio Cromartie tried to f*ck it.
11. Cleveland Browns (1-1) – I don’t know how this team isn’t better. Oh yeah, because it’s in Cleveland.
12. Cincinnati Bengals (1-1) – I’m not saying that Andy Dalton is leading the Bengals to the playoffs this season, but whichever coach replaces Marvin Lewis is going to have some nice depth. Also, if I’m Carson Palmer, I show up this week just to ruin everything.
13. Denver Broncos (1-1) – If any groins can stay healthy, the Broncos could be decent. Maybe if John Fox calls it leprosy, Tim Tebow can work his healing powers.
14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-1) – I watched yesterday’s game against the Vikings surrounded by Bucs fans and the opinion is almost universal – they hate Josh Freeman. Ah to be so spoiled.
15. Tennessee Titans (1-1) – You know how Adrian Peterson showed up to camp, worked hard, became the highest paid running back in NFL history and then performed like it? Chris Johnson is the opposite. Who had Week 2 in the “Titans fans booing Chris Johnson” pool?
16. St. Louis Rams* (0-1) – Again, I am predicting the Rams to win tonight. If not, plop them in the Top 10. But I think they’ll rebound nicely with or without Steven Jackson.
17. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-1) – Poor Ben Roethlisberger. He’s going to be mutilated behind that offensive line this season.
18. Oakland Raiders (1-1) – Darren McFadden looks phenomenal. If any of the receivers can step up (and I mean consistently), Jason Campbell might even look good, too.
19. Dallas Cowboys (1-1) – Felix Jones might be out until after the bye week, which means nothing because they don’t know how to run anymore. I loved the Tony Romo dramatics yesterday, too. He’s such an elite QB. *dismissive wank, tears tendon*
20. Chicago bears (1-1) – Jay Cutler may be sacked 100 times this season. Whoever thought that letting Olin Kreutz go was a good idea should get to play QB for a few snaps.
21. San Diego Chargers (1-1) – Philip Rivers may be pure evil.
22. Philadelphia Eagles (1-1) – More on the Eagles later today, but if you don’t think that Arthur Blank cackled with delight when Mike Vick left the game, then you’ve never been a billionaire scorned.
23. Atlanta Falcons (1-1) – Is it just be or do the Falcons look like they expected to be very good and now can’t figure out why it’s not easier?
24. Baltimore Ravens (1-1) – Ray Rice is very good. Joe Flacco, though, is merely adequate.
25. New Orleans Saints (1-1) – At what point do the Saints change the locks on Marques Colston?
26. Washington Redskins (2-0) – I expect the Skins to climb this list, but it’s still fun to see Grossman win.
27. Buffalo Bills (2-0) – I’m as shocked as the next guy.
28. Houston Texans (2-0) – They should have the AFC South locked up by Week 6.
29. Detroit Lions (2-0) – I won’t say that it will be this season, but the Lions could be better than Green Bay soon.
30. Green Bay Packers (2-0) – My standard philosophy is that the defending champs should always be No. 1 until they’re knocked off, but I’m mad at the Packers for ruining Ryan Grant. It’s purely personal.
31. New York Jets (2-0) – As soon as they play an actual good team, we’ll see just how good Mark Sanchez is.
32. New England Patriots (2-0) – They look good. I’m talking sexy good. Like, it makes me angry how good the Pats look.