– In addition to writing jokes for sports websites, I also do a lot of comedy shows all over the country. Twitter followers are like money to comedians so follow me there if you like my style. I’m also going on comedy tours this May and again in June so check my performance schedule and come say hi!
– No references to Destiny this week other than this one to say that I have hung out with her several times even though she writes mean things about me on poster boards during ACW shows.
– This is my favorite wrestling column on the internet so I’m thrilled to be making my second appearance off the bench for Brandon. He’s staying at my house in New Orleans after the Elimination Chamber so he sort of owes it to me. I’m not nervous about filling his shoes, rather, I’m nervous you guys will think the shoes I’m wearing aren’t as fly as his to begin with. Different shoes for different folks, people. Just give me a chance!
Best and Worst of Raw presents: Managing as Managing Manager
The last time I subbed for Brandon, this happened. I feel good about my chances that tonight will be a good job.
BEST: Booker T is the Worst
“Actually you’re mistake … Excuse me, like I said actually you’re mistaken, Punk. See, as managing as managing manager of general of…excuse me. Listen Punk, now listen here if you think you can smell what the oh excuse me, Punk. Can you dig anything now, Punk? Now which shovel should Punk use to dig? Should he use the shovel he got at the garden store in 2010? How about the shovel he got in 2011? Or – should Punk use the shovel he got last year? Can he dig me out of this hole? Please get the WWE smartphone on your app to find out. Now mind you me you must get or have gotten already that smartphone app on your own WWE Sucka. Hulk Hogan, I’m coming for you nigga”
WORST: Michael Cole’s phone
Homeboy has four different photography apps, only three “social” apps and three games (live a little, Cole). What’s worse is that he has 0 unread text messages and 0 missed calls (get a life, Cole). He uses dropbox and droptext. He has downloaded 0 magazines to his Newstand app. His battery was at 75%. I bet Vickie has a ton of calorie counter apps, huh Rocky.
WORST: WWE Hall of Fame Epico Announcement
Is Epico making the announcement or is Epico getting into the Hall of Fame? Find out on a special Primo time Raw.
WORST: Randy Orton’s Campaign: Believe in America
“Vote for me because when we fought last time it was in Atlanta and we’re in Atlanta tonight so all things that happened in Atlanta before must happen again. Let’s bring Spud Webb and Dominique Wilkins back. Let’s bring David Justice back. Let’s bring the Olympics back. In fact, let’s bring all of 1996 back so I can keep my same shirt on.”Subscribe to UPROXX
BEST: Antonio Cesaro, MVP of Raw
Not in the Montel Porter way, in a “makes everyone watchable” way. I can’t decide if I want him to lose the U.S. title as soon as possible so we can see him uppercut Sheamus mid-Brogue Kick in the semi main event at Summerslam 2013 or if I want him to be U.S. champion forever. Anyone else hoping for a countout victory and Cesaro announcing next week he’s this guy’s nephew? Should also be noted that Michael Cole said Antonio Cesaro hasn’t tasted a dessert in 3 years. So remember kids, if you eat dessert now you will never be able to uppercut like Antonio.
WORST: Rey Mysterio’s campaign: Yes We Can
“Vote for me because you know if there’s somebody who should be fighting CM Punk it’s me because I took him down before and if there’s anybody who knows how to take him down it’s me and let me know this, who has the ability to know his weaknesses besides me, I bet you can’t because if there’s one person who can do all of these things, it’s me because I know how to do it and handle it.”
Everything that Rey Mysterio said in his WWE Active promo (which you can only see on the WWE App so download it now but also we’re going to show it on television too) sounded like what a kid would say. And when I think of Mysterio and kids, I think about this. This is why I’m voting for Rey Mysterio, in hopes it leads to another moment like that.
WORST: Chris Jericho’s campaign: Ron Paul Revolution
“It’s so dumb when people say they are the best in the world unless they follow it with four other words so tonight Punk, let’s see who’s the best in the world once and for all because it could be you or maybe it’s me, the best in the world (at what I do).”
BEST: The Return from Mars
Brandon Stroud, I apologize, but you are on a plane right now and Jack Swagger is on my television looking like he’s been on another planet that I know you put him on. I cannot do this paragraph justice so instead I bow my head to you, Mr. Stroud.
BEST: Power Failures in Sports
As a native New Orleanian and lover of all things New Orleans Sports (yes, even the Voodoo and I’ll argue with anyone who thinks Pelicans is a dumb name), I’m still unsure how I feel about the Superbowl blackout. It was unfortunate but also very funny when you think of possibly conspiracies or some sort of Project Mayhem type act against Roger Goodell. The WWE App going down during voting is less of a big deal though it would be pretty awesome if The Shield were somehow behind this. Then they can make their own soap. Don’t talk about The Shield. DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE SHIELD.
BEST: Del Rio over Cody Rhodes; Cody Rhodes new shirt over Del Rio’s old scarf
Another high stakes fun match here has me feeling pretty bad. Poor Brandon is stuck in the sky somewhere and I get to cover a Raw that is easily the best of the year. If The Rock decides to retire tonight and his goodbye forever speech is interrupted by a pissed off Mark Henry then Brandon may quit writing this thing altogether.
BEST: My streak continues
Okay, you’re gonna have to believe me. I promise I am writing this report as I am watching Raw so I had no idea Mark Henry was returning tonight. Brandon is furious. So is Mark Henry who looked damn good while demolishing Sin Cara, Rey Mysterio and Daniel Bryan. The “that’s what I do” screams were intense. Mark Henry is a believable world title contender and here’s hoping they don’t put him into a program with Khali or Oz or Tugboat. We’re pulling for you, Mark Henry, even though you haven’t stopped wearing that WSM onesie.
WORST: 15%, Big Show
I know it’s weird for the room service guy to stand in front of you and put his hands all out in a “gimme gimme gimme” motion but still. Dick move, Paul Wight. He probably uses more towels than he needs and leaves the TV on when he goes to the lobby too. Save the planet, Big Show. And leave a $2-5 tip for the maids you jerk.
BEST: Kane vs. Daniel Bryan Wrestlemania 29 here we come
Jerry Lawler said it worst, this Kane vs. Sheamus match is “the unstoppable object meets an immoveable object”. Ummm…
“the unbreakable force vs. the force that cannot be broken”
“the irresistible strength vs. the strength that does not resist”
“a hat vs. a cap”
Luckily this was much more than that. And even though we all had Bryan vs. Kane on our Wrestlemania prediction pool way back in October, I think we’re still pretty excited. Then again, we also had Cena vs. Rock on our prediction pool and I think we’re still pretty pissed off.
WORST: Miz TV is not good
Imagine if Miz TV was a real show with real guests, like a morning talk show. It would be awful. There would be furniture there but the guests would be forced to stand. He would make those stupid little faces while his guests were trying to tell us something interesting and then he would interrupt them with that “really” bullshit that he stole from another bad TV show and the studio audience would say “really” back and he would make even worse faces. It would be worse than Magic Johnson’s show was and worse than the View has always been and worse than whatever the worst talk show currently is.
BEST: Miz TV featuring Brock Lesnar is good
…but if Brock Lesnar interrupted each interview and threw furniture everywhere I’m setting my DVR. Bonus best: imagine Brock Lesnar F5’ing Whoopie Goldberg. Now imagine while on Lesnar’s shoulders, Whoopie Goldberg shape shifts into Bill Goldberg.
WORST: What are we supposed to think about Randy Orton
He doesn’t seem to lose very often. He doesn’t really talk about wanting to be world champion. I’m not clear on his motivations lately. I guess the voices in Randy’s head are counseling him to only fight Wade Barrett from now on. Will be pretty cool when they tell him something new to do but I guess mind voices are kinda notorious for doing their own thing.
Speaking of Wade, shouldn’t they set some fireworks off when he throws his jacket off during his intro? Or what if they rigged his jacket with wires and when he threw it off it just went straight up into the rafters with gold sparks shooting from the bottom? You’re welcome, WWE.
BEST: Every wrestling match on this show is good
I really enjoyed Punk vs. Jericho. I really enjoyed every wrestling match tonight. I don’t remember the last time I said that. How is this happening? Is Brandon Stroud able to dictate the quality of Raw by being in an airport on Monday nights? I’m sorry for bringing it up again but really, we’re all thinking it.
BEST: Hospitality gets revenge
So, some shrunken Eli Cottonwood looking guy works at this hotel now and he’s got a package for The Big Show. Big Show hastily reads the contract, signs it and then gets jumped by Del Rio. They destroy the sweet little elevator area lobby and then get TOTALLY BUSTED by the previous waiter who, I assume, was coming up to collect the 15% he deserved. Hopefully he saw Big Show laid out (from “bad mexican food”, says Alberto, which is an obvious lie because he’s talking to the same guy who delivered his chicken and vegetable dish earlier) and he used his master key card to go in there and take $6 out of his wallet. 20%.
BEST: My Time is Now Feed Me More It’s a Shame
Effective segment! I don’t recall the last time we got to hear three entrance songs in a row like that. The crowd goes home happy but The Shield doesn’t look any weaker. When the Shield was walking up the ramp I thought oh man, who’s song are they about to play now but then got scared it would be The Rock (unless he was coming out to retire for real). Cool that the entire good guy locker room got on the same page and came to stop The Shield from running but lost opportunity. They could have cobbled together everyone’s entrance music and it would have sounded as terrible as Booker T’s opening promo. Synergy. The beginning is in the end is the beginning. Bookends. Goodnight.
BEST: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
Oops Pow Surprise
STOP EXTENDING THE PATRIOT ACT, HE’S TAPPING FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Nope. I’m not getting behind Jack Swagger if all that is happened to his character is that he’s been infected with an Alien Symbiote.
Alberto Del Rio has wonderful hair.
NOT EVERY COMMENT HAS TO BE A JOKE!
Whole Lotta Denim
Where Sandow’s going, he won’t need….Rhodes.
Oh so that is how we do it.
Join us next week on monday night raw…..for this week on monday night raw.
To be fair, Show gives God 10%.
Atlanta fans: “The Rock was just running out for cigarettes….our champ will be here any minute”
Miz turned into Skeet Ulrich so fast we hardly noticed.
Man Of 1004 Holds
Hey Miz…..I had sex with Katie too man.