– Be a pal! If you read and enjoy the column, be sure to click the “like” button, share it with your friends on Twitter and drop me a comment below. I’m like [ ] this close to doing Best And Worst Of Impact reports, so if you want to see those, nudge me in the right direction.
– I was at this show live, so this week’s report will be a little different. More on that inside. All of the pictures contained inside (and that one of Ziggler’s LIVE ASS ROLL) were taken by me, so if you want to use them or share them somewhere else, go for it, just don’t be a dick about it. Toss me a link somewhere.
– We’re organizing our first With Leather/Best And Worst Of WWE Raw Column Appreciators Club live meet-up! If you’re going to be anywhere in the area of Easton, PA in September, consider stopping by CHIKARA’s King Of Trios to watch Meng wrestle Ebessan and hang out with me, Destiny, THESTINGER, prestigious wrestling blogger Tom Holzerman and the rest of the crew at a still technically unapproved UPROXX network event. RSVP on that page and be our friend. I’ll make you a sandwich.
– Casey made a few GIFs for the report but I dug the live DIY approach as I was writing it, so I didn’t use any. A big thanks goes out to him anyway, because he’s awesome and works too hard for the amount of credit I give him.
Please click through to enjoy
Best: The AT&T Center, Or “WrestleMania Palm Tree Make-Up Tickets Are Awesome”
If you read my Best And Worst Of WrestleMania XXVIII report, you may remember how I paid almost 200 dollars to stare at a skyscraper-sized palm tree and crank my neck around to watch a video screen just to see Rock get bearhugged on the ground for 30 minutes. It was an awful experience (aside from being at a WrestleMania, which is inherently fun) and the cool cats at WWE Fan Services offered me two free tickets to the next two events in my area as a make-good. Raw in San Antonio was my first makeup event, and I’m gonna cash in the second Money In The Bank style later this year and try to get front row seats at TNA “IMPACT” WRESTLING AND DIRECT AUTO INSURANCE PRESENT TURNING POINT.
These live reports are a little different. If you’re okay with reading “lol look at this kid sitting in front of me, he loves people based on whether or not they get stuffed animals version of themselves made” instead of “that thing Jerry Lawler said about how [nationality] is [horrible stereotype] [follow-up about him being into 13-year olds]”, you should be fine.
If you ever find yourself in San Antonio, drive an hour north and hang out in Austin. If you find yourself in San Antonio without an hour’s worth of gas, here is a complete list of fun things to do: walk along a river and visit its 200 variations on Applebee’s, visit an old building and remember whether or not you’ve seen Pee-wee’s Big Adventure, patronize a Minor League Baseball team with a dancing jalapeno mascot, go to the worst Six Flags ever and eat at my favorite restaurant in the world (Green Vegetarian Cuisine). That is all. Oh, you can also get run over by a car or have your bike stolen.
Best: The Lady Next To Me Who Asked About/Flinched At Everything
One of the reasons I like going to wrestling shows put on by local promotions is because I fit more naturally into their vibe. I’ve never been the guy who tries to constantly heckle wrestlers and get himself over (you won’t see me doing that F**K YOU F**K YOU F**K YOU middle-fingers-to-the-face thing to wrestlers ever) (well, almost ever), but I occasionally like to get into it and yell out asinine shit like a normal wrestling fan.
WWE shows are bad for this for a few reasons, the big ones being:
1. The wrestlers can’t hear you, so there’s no point unless you’re sending in a live report to 411 and want people to think you were the coolest, smartest and most popular person in your section.
2. There are a lot of kids around you, and while you can keep your Shouted Things PG and under, the good stuff without curse words requires too much capacity for abstract thought for them. Like, I can’t yell YOU’RE BEING RACIST at Sheamus for throwing a burrito into a river because the kid in the John Cena shirt’s gonna turn around and look at me weird.
3. That’s the other thing: people at WWE shows love to turn around and look at whoever just said anything. It’s probably why they’re at WWE shows, they love looking at people who talk. It’s never malicious, but if Brock Lesnar’s staring down Shawn Michaels and you, the average, reasonable man, decides to yell BREAK HIS ARM at the top of your lungs, 30 people are gonna turn around and look at you. Why? Because that’s not what you’re supposed to say here, and they don’t understand why you’re saying things.
Long story short, Damien Sandow should walk out with a stack of books and just f**king throw them at people as hard as he can.
Anyway, the point I’m getting at is that people in bigger wrestling fan sections form these weird social contracts, and you end up sorta briefly chatting with someone and they turn into YER BUDDY for the rest of the night. Mine was a lady in my row who was there with a small child, but who chose to spend the night asking me who everyone was, why anybody was booing anybody and whether or not I remembered the Von Erichs. She FLIPPED THE HELL OUT WITH FEAR when the Raw pyro started, so my job for the rest of the night was to warn her whenever somebody with pyro was about to show up. It was stressful. I was being forced to speak a lot, and deal with everyone looking at me when I did. I’M SORRY I KNOW KANE’S COMING OUT NEXT OKAY, THEY PUT HIS SHIT ON THE RING POSTS.
Worst: These Opening Dialogue Segments Would Be Better If Anybody Speaking Watched Or Paid Attention To Wrestling
It was pretty difficult to explain to my Section Buddy why everyone was wearing CM Punk shirts and going crazy for him when he walked out, and again why everyone decided to boo the same guy they were just cheering. The best thing I could come up with was, “they like him, but they’re supposed to be booing him, so they just do both”.
Business Suit AJ continues to depress me (her affected “cute” mannerisms have gone from endearing to forced at record speed) and while I didn’t mind Punk’s involvement here, I didn’t enjoy that easy-to-handle and totally-expected “I have a problem with the GM, so I’m going to talk to the GM about my problems in front of everyone as condescendingly as possible” thing. That’s not a big deal, that’s just wrestling writing. I thought the “a general manager should be treated with respect” thing was loveably douchy, because I remember him treating John Laurinaitis like dogshit for like a year for no reason.
What bothered me most is John Cena’s continued insistence that CM Punk has CHANGED~, and is no longer the SUPER RESPECTFUL FRIEND OF JOHN CENA WHO’D NEVER TURN HIS BACK ON THE WWE UNIVERSE he knew and loved. Cena makes no goddamn sense when he goes off about this, because in like five years Punk’s only come close to that in the last seven months. The guy organized a cult of worshippers and threatened Rey Mysterio’s children, but that’s not even the worst of it… Cena doesn’t seem to remember that the entire Punk/Cena beef that led to the Summer Of Punk started when Punk commandeered the Nexus. You know, the gaggle of helpless goons who got Cena fired (“fired”) the previous Autumn. After this, Cena should get into a feud with Daniel Bryan and be all, “you’ve changed, the Daniel Bryan I know would never yell YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN ME and kick me in the head”.
Best: LOL Big Show
My favorite moment of the opening segment was Big Show appearing, causing AJ to go NO WAIT HOLD ON HOLD ON JUST A MINUTE and move things forward without letting Show get into the ring or say anything. That’s how almost every Big Show segment should go. Like, he walks out for a match and Vince just starts screaming NO STOP IT DAMMIT GO TO COMMERCIAL, and when we come back Alex Riley’s wrestling Curt Hawkins or whatever and Big Show’s covered in a tarp.
Worst: My Votes Don’t Count
Nobody listens to me.
Worst: So Sometimes The Commercial Breaks Don’t Help
I hate saying this, but I didn’t like a CM Punk vs. Rey Mysterio match.
I don’t know if I was bored from a commercial break of hashtagging “Punk” with names of wrestlers who are never on Raw or what (#PunkShowtimePercyWatson), but I couldn’t get into it. Something about Rey Mysterio wrestling in a shirt rubs me the wrong way. I know he’s got Terry Funk knees and everything, but a legit top pick for Best Wrestling Of All Time should not be competing under the Tommy Dreamer Rule.
It could also have something to do with having seen so many Punk/Mysterio matches in the past, and so many of them being great. Basically everything Mysterio did with the Straight Edge Society is rose-colored and sparkly in my memory, so watching him Crash To Break and spend four minutes in a leg scissors was pretty assy. During the match I leaned over to Destiny and started to ask her if she wanted me to wander out to Fiesta Favorites and find her a Super Pretzel, then stopped myself because what asshole goes to get a pretzel during a Punk/Rey Mysterio match?
Worst: I Went To Buy A Half A Bottle Of Water And Missed The Wade Barrett Video Package
I found a Fiesta Favorites after the match, and Oh My God you guys. I bought a bottle of water for Destiny for four bucks (which I expected), but when the lady brought it to me she opened it herself and poured half of it into a disposable plastic cup. She helpfully explained that I could stand there in the front of the line at f**king Fiesta Favorites and drink the rest of it if I wanted, but that I had to give the bottle back to her. Apparently someone tossed a bottle into the ring during one of the terrible pre-show matches so normal, functioning adults could no longer take bottles of water back to their seats, but they could sure as shit still pay four dollars for one. I asked her if I could have a second shitty plastic cup to pour out the other half of the bottle, and she smiled really big, shook her head and said “nooooooooo, sorryyyyyyy”. Four dollars is not enough to cover the price of a $1.09 bottle of water (assuming they bought it at the gas station at full price and, you know, don’t get them in gross wholesale from somewhere) and two disposable cups. One cup, sure, but that second cup puts them in the red.
What I’m getting at is this: eat a dick, AT&T Center. While I was standing there going, “wait, what”, I missed this:Subscribe to UPROXX
For the record, “Fiesta Favorites” are nachos with cheez-glue, hot dogs that rolled off the grill at Valero and 32-ounce souvenir sodas of Mr. Pibb. I’d hate to hear what they don’t like at that fiesta.
Worst: I Hate Every Single Thing About The Sheamus/Alberto Del Rio Feud
But hoo boy, I got back in time to see
1. Alberto Del Rio park his car in front of the bathrooms, and
2. Sheamus show up, steal his car, drive it around town, call him a Dirty Mexican (in so many words) and bring the car back covered in tree branches, dry ice and HIS OWN FECES APPARENTLY to uproarious babyface applause.
Lecturing you guys about how Sheamus is the biggest, most reprehensible underhanded prick in WWE is starting to get tired, but I need you all to understand that Sheamus STOLE A MAN’S CAR, made sure to have someone video tape him doing it (broadcast on live television), SHARTED THE CAR A BUNCH and brought it back to zero consequences. Alberto Del Rio, the guy who wins matches clean (a boot is not cheating when it’s your own boot) and wants championship opportunities but happens to speak Spanish and act arrogant, is the bad guy. It doesn’t matter if you f**king rob someone at gunpoint in WWE, if you’re affable about it and the other guy’s an asshole you’re still in the right.
It’s the worst. Before, I could justify Sheamus randomly attacking his heel opponents from behind as a way to stay on top of them, because of course THEY are gonna eventually try to do that to HIM, but this is too much. Eating Mexican food on video just so you can be all “heh, Mexican food am I right, what a pile of shit” is NOT ADMIRABLE. It’s also not funny, unless you hate Mexican people or think pooping is hilarious.
Best: Randy Orton, A Live Experience Rollercoaster
When Randy Orton was announced to appear in a match later in the show, the people in the crowd went bonkers. When ‘Voices’ started up, they went bonkers again. They cheered loudly for Orton’s Release The Doves taunt, but the space between I HEAR VOICES and doves being released was almost silent. They were quiet for the match, too, except when Orton was hitting/about to hit an RKO. They loved that got the best of Big Show, but forgot him the second he was gone.
Is this proof that the RKO is a thousand times more over than Randy himself, or another example of WWE audiences showing up to see wrestlers, not to see wrestlers wrestle? Even Destiny’s comment was along those lines. “I like Randy Orton. Well, I like his entrance.”
Worst: Double Count-outs, With Help From These Assholes
My least favorite fans of the night are the guys in the front row dressed like referees who brought a sign that said ARE WE TRENDING YET because buying a half-dozen front row tickets to Raw means the show is ALL ABOUT YOU. They didn’t make a sound or move unless the referee was making a count, and the only thing they really accomplished was blocking the guy in the swank Anarchy Championship Wrestling shirt from being on TV most of the night.
I can only begrudge people having fun at a wrestling show so much, but man, you could accomplish that same thing for the same amount of praise in your living room. My only Best for them is watching them count about eight numbers of the Orton/Big show double count-out, then just sorta sit there looking like assholes because they kinda-sorta contributed to a terrible match finish.
Best: Feeding Him More
Two big highlights from The Ryback live match experience:
1. I told my Section Buddy to cover her ears for Ryback, but when he started doing his arm pumps she didn’t see any fireworks and thought she was in the clear. She uncorks her ears, Ryback’s atomic snapper goes off and she practically ends up three rows back.
2. A little kid in my section tried to start a lonely “Goldberg” chant, but nobody bought it because Ryback’s been on Smackdown long enough to dilute a lot of that and f**k you kid you weren’t even alive for Goldberg.
I’m trying to keep my fandom strong for The Ryback, because I saw how my love of the Funkasaurus went from immeasurable to VANISHED in like three weeks, so here are my best suggestions: get him out of the “NXT guys who can bump, but not really” handicap match rut he’s wandered into, remember that Goldberg was popular because he ANNIHILATED guys (not because he pinned them), and get him into a feud with Heath Slater’s Gumby ass sooner rather than later, because oh man, people want to see Slater destroyed by steroid monsters and OMB can make it look like gold.
Best: AW Is Just Like Jack Kevorkian … He Kills In Person
The four minutes of Prime Time Players/PE
RM tag team match might’ve been my favorite of the night, because it wasn’t overcast with some horrible, self-destructive thing I think about something I can’t change. It was fun, purposeful, made both teams looked better and inverted the “we’re gonna leave and take the count-out loss” trope properly. They even put the match shortly after the Orton/Big Show double count-out thing to make the prospect of a count-out even less appealing. AW’s headset gimmick works WONDERS in a live environment, too. Every time he said LADIES AND GENTLEMEN TITUS O’NEIL or whatever people gave him THE BUSINESS.
Another fun part of this match is learning that kids have no idea who R-Truth is. When the tag champs came out to stop the Prime Time Players from leaving, the people in my section were ALL ABOUT Kofi Kingston. After a few seconds of them standing there, a kid behind me goes “who’s that with him??” Another kid down the row goes, “I DUNNO!!!” Maybe they were thrown off because he didn’t have R-TRUTH airbrushed down the side of his suit.
Worst: Where The Hell Is Rosa, Or “I Didn’t Know About The Jackson Andrews Thing Until This Morning”
I had no idea that Rosa Mendes was in an abusive relationship with Tyson Kidd’s old forgotten bodyguard Jackson Andrews and that’s why she couldn’t make the show, so I spent most of the match kinda callously assuming she’d been written off because in modern WWE Land you can’t cheer a lady in a corset.
I don’t know a lot about the situation, but I’d like to formally say f**k Jackson Andrews, and if I ever see him in person I’m gonna tap him in his f**king steroid leg and cause his entire body to collapse in on itself. People who physically abuse the person they’re supposed to love, male or female, are scumbags who deserve zero sympathy.
Yes, I’m coming out with the brave Anti-Beating Your Girlfriend stance.
Best: Damien Sandow Is Doing God’s Work (Or At Least Brandon’s)
I was almost as happy as you’d imagine me being when Brodus Clay’s entrance was immediately interrupted by Damien Sandow. I like to think Brodus, Naomi and Cameron were huddled together in the back with a microphone getting ready to do their into speech and they spotted Sandow just kinda lurking in the background stroking his beard, and Brodus was all YOU AREN’T GONNA ATTACK ME IN A MINUTE ARE YOU and Sandow just kinda shook his head no, then made whatever the sophisticated man’s equivalent gesture to “wank and toss” is. Biting your thumb, maybe.
Anyway, Sandow’s only negative is that he puts me in that impossible position of explaining to people why I’m cheering for the heel. He just makes a ton of sense. People (not just wrestling fans) are irrationally interested in watching Santino have a snake arm or Hornswoggle being revealed as an authority figure or fat guys dancing and he has to stop it because he is moved to. He’s a guy who doesn’t understand why all this stupid shit is happening around him and nobody has a good explanation for it (“we’re havin’ fun” is not an explanation), so he has to end it. He’s a smart guy in a business that celebrates stupidity. He’s awesome and he wears pink trunks because he’s a boss.
Maybe if Brodus got a second song or switched up his dance moves from time to time I could say “hey, leave Brodus alone, he’s just havin’ fun!” But nope, R-Truth proved your second single can never be a hit, and Brodus deserves every bit of bad luck and injury he gets for coasting on John Laurinaitis’ ace idea and then turning on him for no reason. You’re my hero, Damien Sandow. Thank you for being a thing.
Worst: Thanks For Saving This Eve/Kelly Kelly Match For Me, Guys
Oh, hey, Kelly Kelly was supposed to be gone forever or whatever and Eve Torres was a scheming librarian, but OF COURSE Brandon’s in the crowd tonight so let’s have them Diva the shit out of each other for a minute. I complain a lot in these columns about Divas matches being way too short, but man, in person those things are abysmal and go on forever.
I also don’t like to throw shade at these things too often because they are what they are, and it doesn’t matter that a month and a half ago I watched Jazz and Rachel Summerlyn go 20 epic minutes in a joshi tournament down the road, Kelly and Eve serve their purpose and do their tumbles like they’re told. Maybe Kelly’s reemergence is the next step beyond “no Divas matches” to make us be as OH GOD THEY’RE GONNA RUIN HER about Sara Del Rey showing up as possible. It worked with Daniel Bryan, right?
In my brain, this match ended with a Hailey Hatred run-in and was off the charts.
Best: Okay, I Can’t Hate On Sheamus Singing Deep In The Heart Of Texas
See, Sheamus drove Alberto Del Rio’s car around San Antonio and all he could find to do was eat, visit the Riverwalk and stop by the Alamo to make Pee-wee’s Big Adventure references.
Before I moved here, suddenly clapping and singing ‘Deep In The Heart Of Texas’ with local strangers was on my bucket list, and I can proudly say I’ve done it a few times now. Watching the video on Tout is weird, because it’s missing all the clapping and jovial kinsman-ship and puts a little too much emphasis on Sheamus talking about THE STORES AT NIGHT.
The only thing that would’ve made it better is if that screaming religious guy who hangs out outside the Alamo sometimes was in the background. Or if Sheamus had walked across the street to the lobby of the wax museum and attacked the John Cena figure from behind.
Best: I Can’t Hear Jerry Lawler, Woo Hoo!
This was the very best part of the live Raw experience. No, I don’t want to know what he said. Here are a few guesses:
1. “Alberto Del Rio really dropped the chalupa this time, Cole!”
2. “Ricardo Rodriguez always looks sleep and is probably packing a gun!”
3. “Sheamus is so funny!”
4. /indistinguishable oral farting
Worst: I’m The Guy Who Can’t Enjoy This Until Brock Lesnar Starts Snapping Dudes’ Arms
I’ll talk a little more about Shawn Michaels Appreciation Night on the last page, but last night’s Inappropriate Head Shaped like A Thumb Theater was another example of a modern Triple H story’s biggest downfalls: taking six weeks to say or do stuff that should take you 20 minutes, and always falling back on the Shawn Michaels crutch.
Shawn is dumb for saying Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman “attacked Triple H’s children”, because they didn’t. Paul brought up the children in conversation because Triple H was acting like a ripe asshole, H took offense to it and got his wife to stomp out and say stuff about Paul’s children and punch him repeatedly. Objectively, Triple H got his feelings hurt when Lesnar punked him and bailed, so now he’s overreacting to the one thing he could find to overreact about and justifying it as “right”. As I wrote about extensively last week, Triple H and Stephanie are the bad guys here, and there is no imaginable episode of ‘Breaking Bad’ where I’m gonna say “man, I really hope the Mexican cartel sociopaths beat the shit out of Saul Goodman, they’re the coolest”.
Shawn doesn’t have a reason to be in Triple H’s corner, either, but at least he’s not going to play special guest referee again and have Emotion Faces. I’m guessing the “I’m gonna be in your corner” promise (coupled with Brock’s threat) is a week-long pause to set up Brock incapacitating Shawn on the go-home show to build STAKES THAT HAVE NEVER BEEN HIGHER when everybody already knows Shawn is Triple H’s Best Good Friend and they could’ve done it two weeks ago. Brock Lesnar has a finite amount of dates, so you use one to have him stand behind Paul Heyman and threaten a retired guy 1/3 his size. Cool! Makes perfect sense.
I think I started yelling KILL HIM, JUST KILL HIMMM indiscriminately during this segment.
Best: My Dolph Ziggler Shirt Came With An Autograph For No Reason
A few observations about the WWE Merch Table:
1) Dolph Ziggler’s shirt was released right around the same time as Daniel Bryan’s YES YES YES shirt, so I bought that instead and never got around to picking up the pink thing I promised to buy if it existed. I remedied that last night (for thirty dollars, Jesus) and it came with a free autograph, because I guess they need to get rid of them. I wanted to give a Worst to Ziggler’s autograph being initials instead of a signature, but at least it’s better than that vague line John Cena draws because he’s stuck signing 70,000 photos for Make-A-Wish and doesn’t want his arm to fall off.
B) The merch table is the worst smelling place in the building. Destiny had to stand like 30 feet away so she didn’t pass out.
III) The WWE Merch Table is the ultimate place to watch people who have never seen wrestling and just work there interact with wrestling fans who can’t read or pay attention but want stuff. Every shirt hanging up had an ASK FOR # whatever on it in big letters, but sure enough every time a guy’d get up he’d lean forward right in the lady’s ear and say I WON’T THE PUNK SHIRT. She says “which number is that”, and he points at it (from 10 feet away, so you have no idea what he’s pointing at) and struggles to describe it (“it’s the um, gray one with the uh… with the …” *tries to draw the shape on his chest to illustrate*) WHEN THERE IS A GIANT ASK FOR NUMBER THREE ACROSS THE TOP OF IT AND SHE ASKED FOR THE NUMBER. They eventually work it out and she brings him his shirt (“that’ll be 30 dollars”) but he also wants two Cobra puppets, and when she brings those back he also wants a Zack Ryder headband AND WHAT’S THIS I’VE DEVELOPED THE ABILITY TO BEND FIRE AND BURN YOU ALL TO DEATH
Worst: Jericho’s Right, Losing To Alex Riley Is Probably The Most Embarrassing Thing Ever
People assure me that the Jericho/Ziggler interaction was the best part of the show, but from up in the stands where I couldn’t hear anything it seemed a hell of a lot like Alex Riley getting a win on Raw because the white board read “face distracts heel, heel gets rolled up and pinned”. Also, Alex Riley. Christ, dude, you’ve been off TV for months, couldn’t you have gotten a haircut? You look like Beavis.
But yeah, when I’m a fully functioning awake human without blogging responsibilities for five f**king seconds I’ll revisit the segment as it appeared on TV and probably love it. Ziggler and Jericho are perfect for each other, and any feud that makes both guys look better (and keeps Ziggler from getting directly Brogue Kicked by Sheamus every week) is a Best.
Best: And Finally, Here’s Kane
This is the only time I will probably ever type this: The best part of Raw for me was Kane, because for two hours I thought he was the victim of a hashtag loss and wasn’t going to show up, which would’ve disappointed my girlfriend who is barely interested in WWE programming but LOVES THE HELL OUT OF KANE.
Best: Destiny Tweeting About Kane All Night
By the way, this was her face during his entrance:
Kane’s match with Miz wasn’t anything special, but there’s a real joy in watching Kane do his dumb uppercut strike to somebody off the ropes and have the woman you love smile and remark, “that’s awesome”. She could nag me about the stupid thing I love and keep me from randomly making these expensive, pointless trips out to see it, but she doesn’t, and I’m aware of how lucky I am for it.
Best: Daniel Bryan Turning Let’s Go Cena Chants Into Yes Chants
This might’ve been the first time in 12 years of watching him wrestle I didn’t stand up and flip out for Daniel Bryan, because VERSUS JOHN CENA IN TONIGHT’S MAIN EVENT is the scariest f**king qualifier ever. My favorite moment of the match actually happened near the beginning, when the LET’S GO CENA CENA SUCKS chants started in and Bryan responded to them by going crazy, demanding that the crowd recognize the match is about HIM, not John Cena, then getting mad as hell at them for doing his chant instead.
That’s probably the most difficult thing to do as a wrestler this side of skirting “What” chants, isn’t it? Getting John Cena’s crowd to stop yelling at each other about John Cena and pay attention to the match. It wasn’t entirely successful, but for a few glorious minutes he manipulated an arena full of kids in Cena shirts who have never and will never watch Ring Of Honor to shift their focus to him. I went to the restroom right before this happened, and a kid being led out of the ladies room by his mom was going “MAWM HURRY UP I WANT TO YES YES YES”.
That’s pretty goddamn cool.
Worst: John Cena Doesn’t Remember What ‘Hurting’ Is Supposed To Be
The match itself was fun, because bad Daniel Bryan matches are still pretty good, but man, Cena could’ve tried even a little bit to act like anything Daniel Bryan was doing hurt. He took like 9 kicks to the chest, then expertly dodged a head kick, tapped Bryan out to his submission, got up like nothing happened, ALSO BEAT UP THE BIG SHOW, got attacked from behind by CM Punk, GOT UP LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED and emceed the Shawn Michaels Appreciation Night. That’s John Cena. He just resets at some point and you have to deal with it. That’s agony.
Worst: My Raw Climax Was Like Two Minutes Of Watching CM Punk Silently Gesture At People
Much like the Ziggler/Jericho thing, we couldn’t hear a word Punk was saying when he put on a headset and started yelling at the announce table, so the momentum we built up watching him attack Cena from behind (exactly like last week, no less) was lost. He was just silently anger yelling at them. Raw has really become less of a live wrestling show on tape, and more of a television show they let us watch them tape. That’s not a recent development, I know, I’m just saying.
Best: Sign Of The Night
This lady turned things around for me, though. A few theories:
1. She wrote LET GO CENA because she thought that was what people were saying and made a sign for it because she loves it, regardless of whether or not she gets it or understands it. Like the adult version of the kid chanting “GOLDBERG” at Ryback without knowing what a Goldberg is.
2. She wrote LET GO CENA in a weird, telling psychological moment.
3. She tried to write LET’S GO CENA on the sign and messed up, so she shoehorned in a little S instead of spending a f**King dollar thirty on another posterboard and doing it right.
4. She doesn’t know how apostrophes work, so she put the S of “let’s” where the apostrophe is supposed to be.
I’m okay with any of those.
Best: @MrBrandonStroud Signs At Raws I’m Attending Live
The actual best sign of the night goes to future “local friend who watches wrestling with me” Austin for giving a crap about who I am and making a Heath Slater-themed @MrBrandonStroud sign for a show I attended live. That’s the coolest feeling ever. He wore a Chikara shirt and made a Kishin Liger reference, so he may already be my Hunico. I’ll keep you posted.
Best: Shawn Michaels Appreciation Night
I left during Cena’s congratulatory speech to Shawn Michaels about how he’s a TRUE FRIENDFORMER or whatever to hang out with Austin in the hallway, but was drawn back in like a little wrestling nerd when Vince McMahon’s music hit. I’m sure you can find video of this all over the Internet by now, and all it really was was Vince and Triple H presenting Shawn with a WWE Plaque for his contributions to This Business a la Ikiru, but it had a few colossal highlights:
1. Undertaker showing up with full entrance, causing everybody to LOSE THEIR MINDS and tell make the people next to them feel their goosebumps. I’m not a Taker mark by any stretch, but even I got into it when he started cracking jokes and being a weird stand-up comedy guy. He made jokes about Shawn having “the biggest head” on wrestling’s Mount Rushmore and refereed to Shawn Michaels Appreciation Night as “whatever this is”. If WWE ever does roasts, this giant gothic motherf**ker is your Roastmaster.
2. In the BEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT FOR A MINUTE, John Laurinaitis came to the ring to share his thoughts on Shawn Michaels Appreciation Night. If you ever wanted to see an arena of 9,999 silent people and one idiot in a Team Johnny shirt standing up and screaming his lungs out, this was your chance. He was immediately superkicked, was superkicked a second time, and that was just sorta-kinda the end.
Anyway, watch it online. #TeamJohnnyForever
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
Rey Mysterio failed a wellness test and all he got was that lousy T-shirt?
To clarify, for everyone confused about Lawler calling Mysterio “young man.”
Lawler has always run on the opinion that if someone is wearing a mask, you CAN’T LEGALLY proof how old someone is, Your Honor.
Lobster Mobster, who knows me too well.
Just for Men commercial – he’s a tough, bearded baby that can dance like a man. He can shake-a his fanny, he can shake-a his can.
Guy Ritchie’s Wade Barrett.
(Tie) shabbydude and Harry Longabaugh, respectively:
Christian needs to rename the Killswitch “A Song of Ice and Fire” because it takes forever and never finishes.
The Killswitch is now renamed “Curiosity,” since it takes seven minutes to land.
In the spirit of being a star, Sheamus currently has one star for stealing that car. Will soon have two when he kills a hooker with a brogue kick.
$10 says he ordered a potato taco
“HE’S LIKE MOTHER TERESA….HE’S AN OLD BITCH! F*CK MOTHER TERESA! SORRY!”
“I’m just a cool dad (cooool daaaad)
but not your real dad (real daaaad)”
Shawn Michaels was running late…you have NO clue how long that line at Chick-Fil-A is, guys
Best: Reminder! I’m Going To Be In L.A. For SummerSlam
If you’re in the greater Los Angeles area and want to high-five me at some point, I’m gonna be at SummerSlam and SummerSlam Axxess, so do your best to do that there. I’m also going to be spending a few days in the San Francisco area earlier in the week, because I scheduled a baseball vacation months ago without having any idea I’d be summoned to SummerFest. If you live in California and don’t want to bash me in the head with a brick, be my pal.
Anyway, see you guys next week.