Including the episode that we’re about to discuss while rewriting the rules and requirements of the Pulitzer committee, we have five episodes of Total Divas left in season two. That’s either five more episodes with which to tell a compelling story that makes us see the most underappreciated WWE division in a new light or five more episodes to recycle stories and reality TV tropes. Let’s not fool each other, friends. It’s going to be the latter forever and ever until the WWE and E! decide to pull the plug on this wicked waste of one hour of my time each Sunday.
If anything, I just want this dumb, awful and yet somehow wonderful show to get its act together and help turn Summer Rae into a star. We haven’t really heard from her in two weeks, so we were due for a heavy dose of Fandango’s sidekick in this week’s episode of Total Divas, and… well, we got a lot of Summer Rae. I wish I could say anything else about it, especially something positive, but I knew what I was getting myself into when I set out on this apocalyptic road so many months ago.
Pre-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings
1) Naomi – I’m still riding the high of TV’s best wedding of 2014.
2) Summer Rae – She hasn’t really been involved with the last two episodes, but her Nattie jokes are better than even mine.
3) Brie Bella – She shouldn’t be excited, because the dropoff from 2 to 3 is the Grand Canyon of rankings.
4) Nikki Bella and her breasts – Meh. If we didn’t have her, who would be the vapid one?
5) Nattie – Poor, poor Nattie. Forever stuck being the most pathetic person on a fake TV show.
6) Cameron – Who throws a party at her friend’s house and almost loses her cat? The same girl who says, “Bomb dot com” and “Chingle chingle.”
7) Eva Marie – Still the worst.
Shame on You, WWE and E!
At the start of this week’s episode, we’re treated to Brie looking through some wedding magazines, while Daniel Bryan explains that there are no men’s wedding magazines, because we don’t care. He is basically correct. Hell, just seeing her look through those magazines gave me a migraine. Just pick a f*cking dress and some flowers and then get that open bar going. Everything else is just going to be forgotten in a day. But that’s not my real beef here.
Instead, how the hell do you have such an adorable opening scene, with Daniel making a wonderful mockery of he and his bride’s most important kiss, and then not have the video readily available? You know what, don’t even bother answering that, WWE. I’ll just add it to the rest of these questions:
Why make a fake show about the real lives of Divas when you could make a real show?
Why does Eva Marie have a job?
What have you monsters done with JoJo?
What’s the point of anything Nattie does?
Why isn’t this a show about AJ Lee?
One day I’ll have some answers.
But Seriously, WWE and E!, Shame the F*ck on You
I don’t like to be opinionated and preachy, but there’s a whole scene in this week’s episode that featured Naomi driving a f*cking automobile with two other human beings in it – not to mention while it’s pouring outside – and she’s holding a coffee cup in one hand while texting with the other, and the car is clearly moving. “Oh come on, man, it’s no big deal.” No, it is. I hate those texting and driving ads like I hate anti-smoking ads, but they exist for a reason, and the WWE is just like, “F*ck it, y’all, this is real life!” I don’t want to see an episode that features the girls concocting a scheme to hide the body of a cyclist they just killed. Just cut it the f*ck out already.
Almost the Quote of the Episode
“I think it’s time for someone other than AJ to be champ, and that’s me.” – Naomi
Normally, I’d be carrying the torch for this. But my Divas champ doesn’t text and drive.
Summer Rae is 30 and Not Getting Any MarriederSubscribe to UPROXX
Summer Rae is bummed, y’all. It’s not because she hasn’t been featured on this dumb show for two weeks or because her wrestling name makes her sound like she should enter the ring by rolling out of a pickup bed full of empty High Life cans and broken rubbers, but because another one of her ex-boyfriends got engaged. It seems to be a revolving theme in her life that when she ends it with a guy, he finds love with the next girl. She doesn’t necessarily care, because she doesn’t “love” any of these schmucks, but she’s 30 and that’s just too old for a girl like her to be out there courting gentlemen callers.
Now, before we continue breaking down and analyzing this stupid routine, I am required by my own law to once again complain that instead of giving us a quality storyline for just one of these women, the writers of Total Divas have instead chosen to poison us with feces-tainted programming. They could have given us Summer Rae, the girl looking to rise to the top by doing whatever it takes and stepping on anyone who gets in her way, but they instead chose to give us Summer Rae, the horny single broad who is lookin’ fer lub in all da wrong places. Gee, I can’t wait to see where this originality takes us.
Also, sorry to go off-roading with my thoughts again, but what is happening to Eva Marie’s face here?
Anyway, because they’re all she has, Summer Rae has to turn to the other Divas for love advice, and when you consider that Brie and Nikki are dating Superstars, Nattie is married to a guy who wrestles (sorry, I don’t throw around Superstar as haphazardly as others), Naomi is married to Jimmy Uso, Eva Marie wanted to sleep with anyone in the WWE to get her career moving, and Cameron thought her worthless boyfriend should give wrestling a try, the answer is rather obvious. Summer Rae must bag herself a WWE Superstar.
Or there’s the horrific alternative…
The Worst Quote in the History of Television and/or Dating
“Or Jonathan could just hook me up with someone.” – Summer Rae
That’s not even funny, Summer. I do not want to see what Scott Stapp 2.0’s friends look like at all.
But Back to the Biological Clock at Hand
I try not to get too in-depth with the WWE Superstar aspect of this show, because a lot of you take the action way more seriously than I do, and I don’t want to trip and fall over my own words and impale myself on your anger. Besides, I’ve always been a classic WWF fan who believes that the Bushwhackers are the greatest tag team of all-time and Miss Elizabeth was the greatest woman in wrestling history up until she chugged a painkiller cocktail. That said, I just don’t get the Fandango gimmick. That doesn’t mean I don’t think he’s a good wrestler, but when you don’t like a guy’s gimmick, it weighs on how much you like the guy’s in-ring abilities. At least that’s the case for me.
But what I really like about Fandango is his cameo time on Total Divas, because he’s the most awesome BRO who has ever BRO’d. Of course, now that Summer Rae is chasing Fandango outside the ring, Total Divas is once again crapping a season one story back into its own mouth, but it’s worth it because watching Fandango pretend like he doesn’t know why this broad is touching his arm or why she’s dressed like their first date is at a strip club is TV comedy gold.
Part of me hoped that when Fandango “really opened up” about who he is and what he wants, he’d pull a Jon Hamm from Bridesmaids and whistle and point down at his crotch. (Sorry, I couldn’t find that GIF, but I have this one…)
But there was still so much beauty to behold in Summer Rae wanting to test the waters with Fandango and him taking her to a typical Florida beach bar. How she didn’t offer to let him suck grocery store tequila out of her navel is beyond me, but I’m sure they needed to save something for season three when new Diva Charlene Frecklepuss thinks that Fandango is the man for her.
It’s the One in Which Total Divas Steals from Friends
Ultimately, Fandango was Mr. Right Now and that led to them hooking up on his couch after he let out his primeval mating call of spreading his legs and grunting that she could stay longer if she wants. (This dude has a huge future in porn if wrestling doesn’t work out.) But then a funny thing happened on the way to the boneyard… they had no chemistry and kissing Fandango, to Summer Rae, was like kissing her brother. OMG IT’S RACHEL AND JOEY ALL OVER AGAIN! WHY DID SHE END UP WITH ROSS??? IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN JOEY!
Naomi and Jimmy Uso Have the Classic Pill Vs. Love Sleeve Debate
For some reason, Naomi needs to be reminded when it’s time to take her birth control each month, so it’s either up to Jimmy to teach her how to set a reminder in her smart phone’s calendar, or he has to wear a condom, whatever that is. Instead, Naomi decided to get a rod implanted in her arm that does the job of the pill for her, and the process made me cringe so much, but I had to pretend that I was okay because the nurse was really cute, you guys (WHERE IS THE DAMN VIDEO, WWE?!?!).
Jimmy was pretty pissed about the whole “It’s my body” response to him, because he thought it was shady to go behind his back like that. Her reason for it, though, was that she’s afraid that with the way she forgets to take her pills, she’ll end up pregnant. Seriously, I have four different reminders for my vitamins in my phone. How hard is that? Sh*t, she’s texting while she’s driving, so she can update her reminders while she’s operating a forklift or something. Make it into a challenging routine.
Nikki is an Awful Maid of Honor and Sister and Human and Everything
Is there anything less interesting right now than an entire plotline that has Nikki and Brie feuding with each other because Nikki is upset that Brie’s getting married and she isn’t? Yes – whatever Nattie is doing. But watching the Bella Twins bicker is pretty close. I can’t even keep track of what these two are fighting about anymore. Something about dresses this time, maybe? Nikki thinks they should both get huge implants and change their tag team name to “The Knockers”? It’s one of them.
Whatever, they fought about something and then made up, because at this point, Total Divas has all the originality of a TNA broadcast.
Post-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings
1) Brie Bella – She may be involved in stupid, revolving sibling rivalry feuds with her sister, but she’s always going to be the more sane and rational one.
2) Nattie – How? Because she was on screen once.
3) Cameron – See No. 2. (I have a feeling that next week’s episode, based on the preview, is going to drop Cameron to a new low that I never thought possible.)
4) Eva Marie – HOW??? Because she didn’t piss me off as much as the rest of these girls this week.
5) Nikki Bella – You can’t be pissed off and bitter all the time if you’re dating John Cena. I’m not saying that like she should be happy she’s dating Cena, as much as I mean she forfeits her right to be happy.
6) Summer Rae – DAMN IT, WOMAN, PUT YOUR F*CKING FOOT DOWN TO THE WRITERS AND DEMAND THEY GIVE YOU BETTER MATERIAL
7) Naomi – She annoyed me with the music video, but she broke my heart with the distracted driving. Can she ever climb out of this hole? Probably, Eva Marie has to say and do something stupid eventually.