Ed. note – Jessica ‘Lobster Mobster’ Hudnall’s read-through of Tank Abbott’s Befor There Were Rules, A Trilogy By #1 MMA Cagefighting Legend David “Tank” Abbott, Book One, Bar Brawler, A Novel continues. Here’s your prerequisite reading, if you haven’t been following along:
… and if you haven’t been following along, what’s wrong with you? Today’s installment: Chapters 11-13.
Chapter Eleven – Liar, Liar:
Walt heads to the courthouse to meet up with his lawyer, Barry Repel. Walter and Barry try to figure out why the cops are looking for him, since Walt says he’s been good for a while (Or, rather, hasn’t been caught recently). After getting his file from the lazy government employees, Walter discovers that the quarterback-type he beat up for slapping his girlfriend in chapter two is accusing Walt of assault.
According to one Jerome La Mentiroso, Walter and his hippie friend were pissing on the side of a church when Jerome was all “That’s not cool” but Walter was all “I’ll show you cool” and beat him up. Further hindering Walter’s situation is that Jerome’s dad is a detective for the Sea Lion Beach police department, and he’s been pushing the DA to build a case against Walter. This sets Walt off and he starts screaming that Jerome, his dad, and the DA are liars, so Walter will lie as well.
Because they were in a courthouse full of witnesses, Barry explains that he can’t represent Walter, but will put him in touch with other lawyers. Unfortunately the other lawyers cost way too much for Walter (Barry has some sort of frequent defendant discount card), so he decides to go with John Wittless, a guy his friends have used in the past. Walter gets put on edge because he encounters some Mexicans on his way to Wittless’s office, and as we all know, Walter Foxx doesn’t handle being in the presence of other ethnicities very well. Walt thinks he should have just murdered Jerome outright, as it would have saved him from dealing with all the lies. Walter talks with Wittless and arranges to meet him at the courthouse the next day with $2500.
Walter goes in to work, puts in his two-week notice at the liquor store and passes time by watching Jeopardy and soundly beating the contestants. He heads home, watches Letterman with Adolf, and then it’s off to class in the morning and the courthouse in the afternoon. Walt meets up with Wittless and his judge (Who is a lady, gross!) has dealt with him before, so that’s another detriment to his chances. The deputy district attorney, Abe Contrary (Probably because everything he says is contrary to the truth) tells Wittless that Walter is a convicted felon and crystal meth dealer in Happening Beach (Contrary to the truth!). Since Walter turned himself in, there’s no bail and pretrial is in four weeks.
With the warrant out on him gone, Walter is in the clear until pretrial, when he needs to bring another $2500 to Wittless. Walt heads home, harnesses up Adolf, and heads to his parents’ house where he whines to his mom about all the liars.
• Did Walter fight? No.
Key lines: “Like all typical government employees they are walking around like zombies with nothing to do.”
Walter Foxx thinks this whole system is bullshit, man.
“He’s wearing a gray, pinstriped Armani suit with a red silk tie that really pops.”
If there’s one thing Walter Foxx loves more than fighting, it is fashion.
“I’m in the middle of downtown Santa Ana and border brothers are everywhere, wearing cowboy hats, pushing food carts, and selling ice cream and churros.”
Walter, please stop being a racist dick.
“Now that I think about it I should have just killed him. That way his lies wouldn’t have put me here.”
Yes, because if you murder him, he wouldn’t have been able to accuse you of anything, so you’d be safe from all legal ramifications.
“There’s no Barry, I have a woman judge who has heard about me, Abe Contrary is a geek, and John Witless is my attorney.”
That’s a mighty big pickle ol’ Walt’s got himself into now. Oh, and that’s Tank’s typo in Wittless’s name.
Chapter Twelve – Fight Night:
Walter returns home, grabs a drink and heads out in his new-to-him truck. Walt drives around for a while, getting a buzz, and he finally pulls into the Dead Grunion parking lot, where he meets up with a high school acquaintance, Chris and his three friends. They spot two guys, one a pretty boy with no shirt, the other wearing a lumberjack-ish flannel blouse, arguing in the parking lot so the gang heads over to egg them on to fight. The two guys look to be just angry posturing, which displeases Walter, until the pretty boy decides he doesn’t want to fight the lumberjack, but would rather team up to beat up Walt and his friends.
Chris and his three friends handle the lumberjack, but the pretty boy bears down on Walt. Walter waits for the perfect moment and shoots a double, lifting the guy into the air, and then slams him into the pavement. The pretty boy starts clawing at Walt’s face and ends up fish hooking him, but Walter bites down on the guy’s fingers. The pretty boy pulls his fingers free and ends up taking Walter’s dental bridge with him. Things get broken up quickly thanks to the strip-mall cops and Walter just walks to his truck.
Walt drives around, drinks his siren, and discovers that his dental bridge has a hole in it. Since that means a trip to the dentist (Or toothsmith, as I call them) Walter decides he has to beat the crap out of the pretty boy what did him dirty. Walter heads back to the Dead Grunion and starts looking for the pretty boy. Walter finally tracks him down with six other guys on the dance floor. Walt’s friends work crowd control on the pretty boy’s buddies, and the fight is back on.
The pretty boy throws a right, but Walter is quicker, and lands a quick 1-2 combo, staggering him. The guy’s friends are quick to react, and one jumps on Walter’s back, sinking in a rear naked choke. Walt falls backwards and twists around, freeing himself from the choke (Dude didn’t sink his hooks in! Position before submission, dang it!). Walt gets back to his feet to find Chris and his friends fending off the rest of the pretty boy’s group. The bouncers start to close in, so Walter briskly jogs to the entrance, gets in his truck, and drives home.
The next day Walter goes to the boxing gym and envisions Jerome La Mentiroso is his heavy bag and punishes it for ten hard rounds. The punching done, Walt heads to his old high school for a two mile run, during which he has another existential “What am I going to do with my life?” crisis. Walter figures he’s never had serious legal trouble before, so he should be fine. He heads home and decides it’s time for more drinking.
• Did Walter fight? Yes.
• Walter’s opponent – Shirtless pretty boy (2x), hangers on
• Did Walter get hit? Yes, 1 ground submission (Fish hook), 1 standing submission (rear naked choke)
• Walter’s Compu-Strike Numbers – 1 takedown (TKO), 2 standing arm strikes (TKO)
Key lines: “I mix up a siren in a red plastic cup, fill it with Stoli and a splash of cranberry, and walk outside to take the truck for a spin.”
I’m not sure what I’m more disappointed in, that Walter is drinking and driving, or that his drink of choice is a vodka and cranberry.
“I snap him down on his back like an old Greek Mediterranean fisherman slapping his daily catch of octopus on the volcanic rocks to tenderize it.”
Watch out for his razor-sharp beak, Walt!
“I walk back down the hallway, past the pay phones, and veer towards the DJ booth, where a tragically hip long haired music goof is playing another lame song: ‘You’ve dropped a bomb on me, baby, you dropped a bomb.'”
Oh hell no, Walt, you don’t disparage The Gap Band!
“Like sand through an hourglass, so are the seconds of my consciousness unless I get this snake off my neck.”
You better escape unless you want to end up at General Hospital, Walter!
Chapter Thirteen – Ready, Aim, Fire:
Walter does a light workout and when he gets home, the phone is ringing and it’s his buddy, Tim. They decide to go out for some fun, so Tim meets Walt at his house to pre-tune. They drink and drive around for a while, when they come across Gonzo heading the opposite direction. Walter flags him down, and Gonzo follows them back to Walt’s house to play foosball. Things are going well until Walter discovers an unfortunate situation – they’re out of beer!
Luckily there’s a liquor store nearby, so they pick up a fresh twelve pack, but on the way out the door, the trio runs into a muscle-bound jerk (Well, more accurately, the big guy shoves his way past the guys). Walt stands his ground and lowers a shoulder in to the “roidhead’s” torso on his way past. Walt and the roidhead have a staredown, invitations for each man to engage in the act of coitus with themselves are issued, but nothing comes of it, thanks to Walter’s new-found conscience, or “Little Man of Reason”.
Walter goes back to Gonzo’s Blazer while the roidhead climbs into a brand new, 30-foot Winnebago, and him and his friend in the driver seat flip off Walt before pulling out. This Natrone Means war, so Walt throws his beer bottle at the Winnebago’s giant front windshield. Tim is quick to help out, passing Walter a fresh missile while throwing his own. Tim, Gonzo, and Walter exhaust their beers on the Winnebago, but the two roidheads stay inside. The RV finally leaves the liquor store parking lot, and so does Gonzo, Tim, and Walt.
Since they are out of beer, the trio hit up a 7-11, then head to “the moon”, a big open field, pockmarked with excavation craters. They finish off the beers while Walter contemplates what he’s going to do, both with his legal case, and the rest of his life. Everyone heads back home and drunkenly passes out.
Walter wakes up on Sunday afternoon, eats almost an entire pizza (Gotta save the last slice for Adolf!), then heads out for some drunk driving. He sees his friend Dick, and they make plans to meet up at the Golden Glove. At the bar, Dick offers to testify that he, Grant, and Mikey were riding behind Walt and saw things as Walter described (This is somehow not lying). It’s just then that Walter notices a pretty boy that’s been causing him some drama is playing pool.
Walter tries to creep up on the guy, but he gets spotted, and the pretty boy positions the pool table between himself and Walter. They traverse around it a few times before Walter pretends to give up and walk away. He darts back to the table, grabs a ball, and drills it into the guy’s shoulder, and follows up with a few more. A barmaid screams that she’ll call the cops if Walter doesn’t stop, so he and Dick skedaddle. Walter heads home, gives Adolf a smooch and heads off to bed with his best friend, Hitler Dog.
• Did Walter fight? No, just hucked pool balls at a dude.
Key lines: “Well, try to fly with me and you’re going to get your wings clipped.”
Alternatively, Walter Foxx is the sun to a roidhead’s high-soaring Icarus (Though I don’t know if the average roidhead has a back tattoo quite as bad as Icarus.)
“That shit is simmering inside me like a diesel-filled drum soaking in a storage tank of napalm.”
Sounds like the throw-down vault is dangerously close to getting opened up!
“I grab Adolf’s face and kiss his wet nose.”
Aw, Hitler is the only thing Walter Foxx truly loves!
Be sure to visit With Leather again soon for Part 6, featuring chapters 14-16.