Ed. note – Jessica ‘Lobster Mobster’ Hudnall’s epic review of Tank Abbott’s literary debut, Befor There Were Rules, A Trilogy By #1 MMA Cagefighting Legend David “Tank” Abbott, Book One, Bar Brawler, A Novel, is almost over. Today is the penultimate update, and here’s what you should’ve read already:
Today’s installment is a big one, as Bar Brawler becomes 50 Shades Of Tank with a Walter Foxx sex scene. ENJOY.
Chapter Twenty – Behind the Eight Ball:
Walter immediately calls up Wittless about his appeal being denied. Wittless thinks that since a year has passed, Walt probably won’t have to serve the six months. Walt is still mad, though, so that means Walt is drinking (He’s conscious, so that means Walt is drinking). Poppa Chulo joins Walt and they drink for a while, but then Walter’s all alone again (Well, other than Dog Fuhrer).
Walt wakes up and heads to the boxing gym, but there’s nobody to spar with, so he just beats the mess out of a heavy bag. Then Walter heads to Wong Beach State to check on his diploma status, with Adolf in the truck with him. Hitler Dog gets in the way of Walt’s mirrors, and Walter almost hits a car when he tries to merge onto the freeway on ramp. Walt tries to apologize, but both driver and passenger flip him off relentlessly. Walt’s had enough of this, so he pulls over, as does the other car. The passenger gets out, while his lady-driver friend remains inside the vehicle. The guy charges Walt, but gets punched in the face a bunch (Less than full power, Walt doesn’t want to seriously hurt the guy). The dude keeps charging, and Walt turns into future Chuck Liddell, sprawling and brawling until the guy is a bloody mess. Walt throws him down a few times, but the guy keeps getting back up despite getting trounced and his lady friend screaming at him to get back in the car. After an extended beating, the guy finally just lays down, giving Walter time to get back in his truck and drive off.
Walt finally reaches his destination of Wong Beach State college and finds out he’s got enough credits to graduate, but still needs to take a math class. Walt heads home, grills up a cheeseburger and after dinner, gets a visit from Poppa Chulo and Rolando. They start drinking and after a few games of foosball, Walt decides that Jerome La Mentiroso needs to get beaten up for his lies.
Rolando parks away from any street lights about 20 yards from La Mentiroso’s house at 2:00 AM, and he and Poppa Chulo walk to Jerome’s house while Walter stays near the car as the getaway driver. Rolando and Chulo knock on the door and then drag Jerome inside once the door is open. Walt hears the screams of pain and wishes it could be him doling out the beating. Things go quiet for a moment, but then Walt hears Amy, Jerome’s girlfriend, scream out, only to be silenced a second later. Rolando and Poppa Chulo jog back to the car and Walt drives out of danger. Rolando and Poppa Chulo regale Walt with the tale of how two guys totally gave an unsuspecting dude and his girlfriend what for, and everyone has a good laugh about it (Everyone that’s a horrible shithead, that is). Walt drives back to his place and gives his minions some cash and instructions to lay low in Tijuana for a few weeks.
• Did Walter fight? Yes!
• Walter’s opponent – 5’8” 200 pounds
• Did Walter get hit? No (3 takedowns attempted)
• Walter’s Compu-Strike Numbers – 12+ standing arm strikes, 2 takedowns, 2+ ground arm strikes
Key lines: “It isn’t enough that the carpet has been pulled out from underneath me, it has to shock me too.”
Yes, Walt, because a minor static electricity zap is really concerning when a six month assault charge is looming.
“No more Mr. Good Guy bullshit.”
Yes, now is the time to start being a jerk.
“I spin around to meet his charge and blast this short scumbag with full phasers and a spread of photon torpedoes.”
Wow, this is quite a revelation. I wonder what iteration of Star Trek Walter likes the most.
“The lions of the coliseum have come to eat you and GUESS WHO SENT THEM?”
It was me, Austin, it was me all along!
“I drive out of town to the last stoplight in Sea Lion Beach, take a right, and make the long familiar drive through the Navel Weapons Yard.”
Nothing noteworthy about this line, I just wanted to laugh at another of Tank’s typographical errors in what I assume was a meticulously edited novel.
“Poppa Chulo mounted him and started jacking him while I kicked him in the ribs.”
I’ll admit that I’m immature enough to laugh at the ‘he started jacking him’ line. SCREW YOU, WALTER FOXX, I’M STILL NICER THAN YOU!
Chapter Twenty-one – Lockdown Countdown:
Walter stays up after the La Mentiroso beating, waiting for the cops to show up at any minute. He passes out and gets up in the early afternoon with still no police officers, and it stays that way after a four mile run. Walter believes this means Jerome finally learned his lesson and has kept his mouth shut, so he heads to sentencing with a bit more confidence.
John Wittless meets Walt outside the court room and questions him about Jerome’s beating (Because of course everyone’s going to know about that, Walter, you stupid moron). Walt pleads ignorance, and keeps up his lie even when Wittless says the DA would send him to “San Quinton” (Jackson?) for five-to-ten. Walt maintains his innocence and receives his maximum sentence of six months in jail.
Walt heads home in a daze and drinks beer on the couch all night. The next morning, he heads to Wittless’s office to sort out payment. Wittless reminds Walt that if there’s any evidence pointing towards Foxx’s involvement in Jerome’s beating, he’ll do multiple years in prison. Walter responds to that in a rational fashion, and by rational fashion, I mean he threatens to murder everyone involved in his case. Wittless rightly asks to never speak with Foxx again, so Walt leaves and calls up his normal lawyer, Barry Repel.
Barry coaches Walt on how to respond to any upcoming questioning about La Mentiroso’s attack and sends Walter on his way. Walt gets back home and drinks heavily all day. Later that evening, the phone rings, and it is Shelly, one of his roommate Jorge’s girlfriends. Jorge isn’t around, but Shelly’s bored and wants to know if Walt is up to party. Walter agrees, but after he hangs up, has second thoughts about hanging out with a roommate’s girlfriend (But murdering multiple people is not only fine, but also dandy, just because they lied, which IS THE WORST SIN POSSIBLE ON THE STREETS!), and decides to head to a strip club on his own before Shelly shows up.
• Did Walter fight? Nope.
Key lines: “I’m floating around with an albatross around my neck and a bull’s-eye on my back.”
The justice system just put Walt into checkmate and now his dominoes are tumbling all around him. Yahtzee.
“As I fly down the cul-de-sac I sink into the duct-taped seat and before I know it I’m back in the middle of Tijuana, USA.”
Hey, everyone, Racist Walter is back! Let’s boo until he leaves forever!
“If they push this and I go to state prison for five or ten years for Jerome getting beaten up the other night I will kill everyone involved when I get out.”
Well, that sounds like something a perfectly innocent man that only fought back in self-defense would say!
“I could give him some decorating advice.”
Oh, man, I want to know what Foxx-shui results in! Walt does mention a heavy bag, but I want to think all the offices have big bank vault doors, and probably a bunch of Hitler Dog paintings.
Chapter Twenty-two – A Crazy Run:
Walter opens the door to head to a strip club, but Shelly is already waiting on the front porch. She offers to drive him there, so long as she can go too. Walt gets in the passenger seat and drunkenly wonders about the direction of HIS LIFE while Shelly drives around. They finally reach the strip club and head inside.
Walt watches a few dancers, but is way too drunk to handle all the stimuli, so he and Shelly leave. Shelly warns Walter that they can’t return to his house, so he suggests a motel. They grab a room for the night and Adult Situations occur (I hate you, Walter Foxx). Shelly drops off Walt the next morning, and luckily it is Mother’s Day, so Jorge (And Skip, but nobody cares about Skip) is out of the house, visiting his mom. Walt calls up his mother to wish her a happy Mom Day (Yet he’ll get pulled by Adolf on a whim to cry about his court case? WORST SON) and takes a nap.
A few hours later there’s a knock at the door, and it’s Shelly again. They hit up a liquor store to make road drinks, and then go to a restaurant for bar drinks. As they’re leaving, Shelly discovers the watch her mom recently got her is missing. They can’t find it in the parking lot or at the bar, so Walter Foxx, being the fine gentleman he is, buys Shelly a replacement watch.
• Did Walter fight? No.
Key lines: “I envy those who have a strong goal like becoming a doctor or training to be an astronaut and going to Mars.”
Walter Foxx of Mars would be hilarious, just to see Walt being racist to the Martians and then getting eaten by a Mars Frog or whatever.
“Now that college is almost over can I really say that I’m smarter than people who don’t have a degree?”
“I’m a 28-year-old teenager and what I want to do in life doesn’t exist.”
He don’t wanna grow up, he’s just an assault and battery kid! Alternatively, “lifetime felon” is a thing that totally exists, Walt.
“She pulls me to the edge of the bed and I grab her smooth inner thigh and squeeze hard. My hand is four inches from her crotch and she is ready as I get my own private version of the Chinese water torture on my wrist.”
I am not going to be the only person with those words inside my head, eating away at my brains. Everyone is going to suffer horribly from Walter Foxx’s sex scene. BARF.