Being able to track certain statistics during sexual intercourse doesn’t seem like a crucial ability, but in this day and age there is now and product that will allow people to do just that if they so choose. The i.Con condom ring, a smart ‘sex wearable’ that men can put on with a condom that will track certain stats while they get down. For just $75 US dollars or so, British Condoms is now taking pre-orders for the device in multiple countries — although they promise they won’t charge anybody until the product is actually available as there is still no confirmed release date.
In addition to the statistics angle, the ring will also supposedly be able to detect STD’s like syphilis and chlamydia, but let’s be real here the crazy statistic tracking is what people will probably care about most. So why don’t we break down each trackable data point and how useful it would be, shall we?
Thrust velocity – Basically, a speedometer for your junk. May the world brace itself for men who start boasting about a particularly impressive thrust velocity.
Thrust speed – Essentially the same as velocity, but if anybody tries man-splaining the difference between the two after sex they probably won’t have much more luck in that department.
Calories burned – It should be 69 calories. Every time, no matter what. No one should desire a legitimate answer to this.
How many times you had sex – If you don’t know how many times you just had sex, there might be bigger problems to worry about.
Average penis temperature – Sure?
Girth measurement – Something you can definitely find out without a $75 thingamajig. And also unnecessary because everyone knows size doesn’t matter.
How you stack up – Because what the world needs is a “sex leaderboard” and the ability to send sex data to your friends or (horrifyingly) family. What could go wrong?
Some of these stats might not seem so important, but actually they should get even more specific. Take a page out of baseball’s playbook and offer stats on VORD (Value Over Replacement Dick), WAR (Wins Above Replacement), or a full analysis of PECOTA (Penis Empirical Comparison and Optimization Test Algorithm). If there’s going to be a smart condom ring that offers statistics, it should go as far across the line of normalcy as things can possibly go. Embrace the ridiculousness, and tell people what their Batting Average on Balls In Play is (get it?) so that people can brag with some proper advanced stats.