Every Kiss Begins With F-You: The 10 Most Annoying, Awful Commercials Of 2012

As Danger noted on Twitter last night, the last couple of weeks of December must be hell on people who hate lists. With that said, I’ve intentionally shied away from posting any listicles so as to not overload you guys with them — lord knows we’ve done our share at this point.

But there’s one area where my desire to shy away from posting any listicles has been overcome by my desire to vent some deep, burning hate: annoying, awful TV commercials. We’ve already celebrated the good ones, and there were SO MANY terrible ones out there, right? And is it just me or do the worst ones seem to run the longest? UGH! Imagine how awful it would be if we didn’t have DVRs to fast forward through them much of the time! I might have killed myself by now. Anyway, on with the hate…

10. Cottonelle Care Routine

Look, if you and your ad people can’t come up with a clever term for the act of wiping one’s ass and then passing a wet wipe over the butthole for extra measure in an effort to sell more of your products, don’t turn to us for help.

Subscribe to UPROXX

9. Progressive Superstore

Any commercial involving Flo the Progressive Insurance lady is pretty difficult to stomach. Now that the world knows just how terrible Progressive is, her squawking is even more hate-inspiring.

8. Geiko “Can’t Stop”

Every time I see this commercial I hold out hope that something will change and the stupid gecko will get splattered by a cyclist on the Brooklyn Bridge. So much to hate here, but mainly the dumb lizard alternating between a terrible Aussie accent (“Come off it, mate”) and an even more terrible New York one (“This is New Yawk!”).

7. Taxmasters

There are a gazillion scary ads being run by accounting firms claiming they can solve all your tax problems, but none were as ubiquitous as the Taxmasters ads featuring the company’s bloated, bearded, terrifying CEO, Patrick Cox. However, you probably haven’t seen Cox on the air in a while after a jury slammed Taxmasters with a close to $200 million penalty judgment for deceptive practices in a civil case earlier this year. Good riddance.

6. American Advisors Group (AAG) Reverse Mortgages

Speaking of scams, Fred Thompson pushing “reverse mortgages” on old people just reeks of one, doesn’t it?

Page 2

5. NFL Network “Serious Fun”

If the casting notice that went out to find the guy for these spots called for a “skinnier, less endearing version of Zach Galifianakis,” then they certainly found the right guy!

4. Geico “Neanderthal”

Nothing against Brian Arakpo, but why did Geico hire him to be a pitchman for them? It just seems so random to me. And what the hell is a pancake social, anyway?

3. 79NewAmerica.com

That ominous commercial in which a guy supposedly famous for making “outrageous predictions” wants you to go to his website and watch a video he’s made: probably a scam artist, right? Probably a scam artist.

2. Kay Jewelers “Open Hearts”

Hey all you dudes out there dating or married to women with daughters not fathered by you: want to know the secret to winning BOTH of their hearts? Buy both of them jewelry at Kay, of course! (Punches self in nuts, vomits)

1. Citi Private Pass: The Ex

Bros, if your personality is so lacking color that you need a certain credit card to make you “less boring,” do everyone a favor and find the nearest Port-O-Potty to drown yourself in.

Around The Web

Featured

‘We Went To The Moon In 1969’: How The ‘Even Stevens’ Musical Episode Changed The Disney Channel Forever

By: 05.02.16

M.T. Anderson Correctly Predicted Your ‘Feed’ Back In 2002, Are You Ready To Hear What He Says Is Coming Next?

Kenya’s Massive Ivory Burn Should Light A Fire Under Us All

Returning To The Boston Marathon Offered A Lesson In Facing Fears

Is There More To The Adam Walsh Story?

Stand-Up Comedy Scared The Hell Out Of Me, So I Decided To Give It A Shot

W. Kamau Bell On Joking With The KKK For CNN And Quoting Malcolm X In His New Special

Drifters Take Note: This Couple Has Crucial Advice For Long-Term Travelers

‘Rad’ Star Bill Allen Looks Back On Helltrack And That Iconic BMX Prom Scene, 30 Years Later

Meet Christine Sun Kim — The Sound Artist Who’s Changing The Way We Listen

Presented By
The All-New Prius

Steve-O Talks About Stand-Up, Longing For Attention, And The Voices In His Head

‘Veep’ Creator Armando Iannucci And Timothy Simons Explain Why It’s So Much Fun To Hate Jonah Ryan