For as much as I’ve read about Men in Black 3, I had no idea what the plot was, other than Josh Brolin impersonates Tommy Lee Jones and something about time travel and Shea Stadium and Will Smith saying, “Ah, hell nah,” until yesterday. Turns out, Jemaine Clement, a.k.a. Jemaine Clemaine in HBO’s much beloved “Flight of the Conchords,” plays an alien named Boris, who goes BACK IN TIME, non Huey Lewis & the News-style, to assassinate Jones for some reason. And his best friend’s a talking pie!
I don’t care if MIB3 has a 65% Rotten Tomatoes score – there’s no way a $375 million movie with that plot, which began filming before a script was finished, featuring a vehicle first seen on “South Park,” can be good. And that makes me sad, because Clement deserves to be in nothing but good roles in good movies (Tommy Lee Jones, too, because he’s awesome). Here are 12 other TV stars we love in 12 terrible movies that we hate.
#12. Adam Scott (“Party Down”) as Jacques in Hellraiser: Bloodline
Adam Scott discussed appearing in the film with Vulture:
“We had, like, two sets of reshoots and it took forever to make that movie. I’m not really in it that much, but I remember we would do one reshoot and redo everything, and then six months later we would reshoot it again and everything was super different. My death changed from melting to getting my guts ripped out.”
Of the four Hellraiser films released into theaters, this is the worst. It’s so bad that director Kevin Yagher asked to be credited as “Alan Smithee,” a moniker used by Hollywood folk who don’t want their name associated with a particularly stinky project. And stinky it was.
#11. Glenn Howerton (“It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”) as Michael in Must Love Dogs
What a dog this ruff movie was. I was begging to leave the theater. I give it two paws down.
#10. John Slattery (“Mad Men”) as Bert Miller in Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights
I like to imagine that Matthew Weiner went to see an 11:30 a.m. screening of Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights by himself back in 2004, noticed John Slattery looking dapper in that white tuxedo, and then decided to write an entire show about white guys wearing nice outfits. Thus, “Mad Men” was born. (January Jones was in the movie, too, but we don’t like her.)
#9. Anthony Stewart Head (“Buffy the Vampire Slayer”) as Victor in Fat Slags
Poor Giles. Poor, poor Giles. He looks like a space priest.
#8. Pamela Adlon (“Louie”) as Dolores Rebchuck in Grease 2
Sample line of dialogue: “This bra is killing me!” “You wish.” I bet Louis CK couldn’t come up with that if he had all the JCPenny catalogues in the world in front of him. Also, she sings a song called “Score Tonight,” which I’m sure is about bowling and nothing else.
#7. Gillian Jacobs (“Community”) as Cherry Daiquiri/Beth in Choke
I’ll let the clip do the work (just the way you like it, baby), but I will add: how can a movie with Sam Rockwell AND Gillian Jacobs be so bad? Oh, that’s right, it’s got Chuck Palahniuk’s name attached to it and it’s not called Fight Club.
#6. Dominic West (“The Wire”) as Photographer in Spice World/Palace Guard in Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace
The f*ck did you do.
#5. Walton Goggins (“Justified”) as Charlie in The Next Karate Kid
As Danger has mentioned, you can tell how good something Boyd’s in by the vertical length of his hair. In The Next Karate Kid, the worst Karate Kid film that doesn’t star one of Will Smith’s wiener kids, his hair’s awfully flat.
#4. Aaron Paul (“Breaking Bad”) as Wasted Guy in National Lampoon’s Van Wilder
This movie. Whenever I hear it referenced, I immediately think of the scene where the frat bros drink the dog jizz, and then I want to puke. And I’m wearing my best Bowfinger promotional t-shirt as I’m typing this. Wouldn’t want to ruin it for my great-grandkids.
#3. Amy Poehler (“Parks and Recreation”) in Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo
Amy is almost adorable enough to pull of screaming “FART DILDO BIG DICK TITTIES.” Almost.
#2. Alyson Hannigan (“How I Met Your Mother”) as Julia Jones in Date Movie
The ever-adorable Hannigan made this Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer regurgitated turd of a movie, where she plays “an obese woman who dreams of marrying Napoleon Dynamite,” before knowing if “How I Met Your Mother” would take off. Sure she doesn’t regret that decision.
#1. David Cross (“Arrested Development”) as Ian Hawke in Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked
Actors gotta get $$$. Plus, I can’t hate Cross for accepting the role because it led to this amazing comment, about working on the movie: “In all honesty, it was the most miserable experience I’ve ever had in my professional life…There was one producer, I won’t say (who), but she is the personification of what people think about when they think negatively about Jews.”
I wonder if he got to keep the tracksuit.