For this week’s list, we sent Josh Kurp into the darkest realms of the Internet: fan fiction forums. But since the grotesque sexual perversions of geeks are well documented elsewhere, we gave him two restraints: 1. No slash fiction, and 2. No sci-fi or genre shows, because NERDS. As you’ll see, that still left plenty of terrifying room for child abuse, lynching, and haikus. -Ed.
After reading through seemingly hundreds of fan fiction stories based on television shows, most of which can be found here, I have to say: the human race is doomed. If the “mature” page for, say, “Six Feet Under” is any indication, we so-called civilized creatures are HUGE fans of murder and incest, sometimes in the same story. Below are excerpts from ten of the most disturbing fan fiction stories I found — non-sic’d, because I don’t have all day here.
#10. “Dharma’s Haikus” based on “Dharma & Greg“
The pregnancy test,
Easiest of all, just pee
Oh look! Positive!
#9. “Before We All Burn” based on “30 Rock“
[Jack Donaghy]’s 50 years old and suddenly feeling like a teenager, being ruled by his hormones. Suddenly she’s not just Liz Lemon to him, the geeky, nerdy writer. Suddenly she’s Liz Lemon, sexy, hot and enchanting. Of course, she hasn’t suddenly changed, she still wandered around with food stained clothes, but now, instead of finding it disgusting, he finds it intriguing.
#8. “Behind the Bars” based on “The Munsters“
At theat moment, their cell door opened and a guard stepped in, announcing crisply, “Ladies, you got yourselves a new cellmate.” Then turning to the hallway outside, she added, “Step right in here, here’s your new home for the next 40 years.”
To the horror of [Lily and Marilyn Munster], in stepped a 250 pound black haired woman, covered in the most ugliest tattoos, with the most stinkiest breath; she turned to the Munster women and said in a rough voice, “OK, ladies, there’s going to be some changes here whatever you like it or not, so just enjoy it…” From there, she cracked her knuckles and bunched her fists just as Lily said to Marilyn, “And you said it can’t get worse.”