Cougar Town (ABC) — Season finale. The cul-de-sac heads to Hawaii. I support and encourage 46-year-old women around the world to look like Courteney Cox in a bikini. Also having a season finale on ABC: Modern Family.
American Idol (Fox) — Season finale. The only thing I know about this season of “Idol” — aside from the presence of Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez — is that the two finalists are both bland teenage country singers. Lauren and… is it Scott? Scotty? Something like that.
South Park (Comedy Central) — Cartman organizes a benefit for crack babies. Are crack babies still a thing? I thought that was an ’80s phenomenon.
Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior (CBS) — Series finale. Fun fact: I can’t name a single actor on this show except guest star French Stewart. There is no conceivable way that I could watch this show even accidentally.
Tori & Dean: sTORIbook Weddings (Oxygen) — Season finale. Thanks for that helpful capitalization in the middle of the word, Oxygen. It’s truly a PUNderful name for a show about the business Tori Spelling sTARDed.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Kevin Bacon on Letterman; Chaz Bono on Leno; Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Sarah Vowell on Kimmel; Norm MacDonald on Ferguson; Lucy Liu on Fallon (also: a performance by David Crosby and Graham Nash); and the delightfully candid Todd Phillips on Carson Daly.