Onion News Network (IFC) — Season premiere. If CNN and MSNBC depict the real world, and Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert are adorable human cartoons designed by Pixar, then the “Onion News Network” resides in the Uncanny Valley with Robert Zemeckis’s creepy mo-cap humans. The writing’s good, but something about it turns me off.
Tosh.0/Workaholics (Comedy Central) — One of my favorite hour-long comedy blocks on TV, after “Community”/”Parks and Rec” and “Always Sunny”/”Archer.”
NCIS (CBS) — Lily Tomlin guests stars, collects a paycheck.
Dancing with the Stars (ABC) — Results show. Chaz Bono was once again in last place, with Nancy Grace clomping along near the bottom as well. But I’d lay my money on Kristin Cavallari getting voted off. Ugh, did you see the way that bitch looked beautiful while dancing with skill and grace? The nerve!
Gene Simmons Family Jewels (A&E) — Fall premiere. I liked this better when it was called “The Osbournes.”
Viking Wilderness (Animal Planet) — Series premiere. This new series has a bunch of badass animals surviving in the Arctic. Not too many vikings, though, which is unfortunate.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Hugh Jackman on Letterman; Kim Kardashian & Kris Humphries on Leno; Evangeline Lilly on Kimmel; Jessica Lange on Ferguson; Simon Cowell and Ben & Jerry on Fallon; Kaitlin Olson on Carson Daly (!); John Lithgow on Colbert; and Anna Faris on Chelsea. Conan’s in repeats this week.