Sons of Anarchy (F/X) — Even with its mediocre Season Three, Kurt Sutter managed to pull off a spectacular finale. Given how good this season has been so far, I expect nothing less than mindhole blowing. The only question that remains is: Who will still be alive next season? SAMCRO don’t run itself, you know?
New Girl (Fox) — Justin “The Mac Guy” Long returns tonight, and Zooey Deschanel’s Jess solicits sex advice from the roommates as she seeks to take it to the next level, and by next level, I don’t mean a MacBook Air ifyouknowwhatImean.
Glee: Since this is my first crack at What’s On Tonight, I mention “Glee” only to tell you that I won’t mention “Glee” again unless Alison Brie and Gillian Jacobs perform a duet. In lingerie.
Michael Buble Christmas (NBC) — Look, I’m not actually suggesting you watch this; in fact, I’m discouraging it. It’s notable to me only because I believe it’s Tracy Jordan’s first appearance on network television since his homophobic rant last summer. I guess this is NBC’s misguided attempt to rehabilitate his image: By putting him on stage with Kellie Pickler and Justin Bieber. This is why you’re in last place, NBC.
Moonshiners (Discovery) — Series Premiere: I had no interest in this new docuseries until I found a review from Common Sense Media, the website devoted to judging whether a TV show or movie is suitable for children. It says, “Parents need to know that this docuseries features people illegal distilling and selling corn whiskey (a.k.a. moonshine), and police offices trying to stop them. Not surprisingly, drinking an drunken behavior is often visible, along with occasional cigarette smoking.” Looks like I just found family hour in the Rowles household.
Teen Mom 2 (MTV) — Second Season Premiere. I don’t recommend “Teen Mom” as a form of entertainment, but as birth control, it can’t be beaten.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Matt Damon is on Letterman plugging We Bought a Zoo; Armie Hammer shows up on Kimmel to talk J. Edgar; Valerie Bertenelli is on Craig Ferguson to discuss, er, her latest informercial(?); Katherine “Rainbow Killer” Heigl will undoubtedly yap about herself on Leno; Jonah Hill is on “The Daily Show,” The Black Keys will rock Colbert, and Patton Oswalt shows up on Fallon simply to be awesome.