Today in news that I promise I am not making up, Ashton Kutcher is going to be launched into space. The “Two and a Half Men” star plunked down $200,000 and signed up to be the 500th customer of Virgin Galactic, billionaire Richard Branson’s Duck Boat tour of the cosmos. Sayeth Sir Branson:
Great news today news from our Astronaut Relations team at Virgin Galactic: our 500th future astronaut customer has just signed up! Even better news is that number 500 is Ashton Kutcher. I gave Ashton a quick call to congratulate and welcome him. He is as thrilled as we are at the prospect of being among the first to cross the final frontier (and back!) with us and to experience the magic of space for himself.
I reached out to my grandfather for a comment about this, and he had this to say: “What? Hello? Who is this? Hold on. [sound of rustling newspaper pages as he looks for the TV remote to turn down the volume] OK, what? Oh, hi. The who now? Asston Kupper? Oh, the kid who replaced the guy. I love that show. Why’s his character going to space? What? In real life? Oh, for the love of … TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS? Jesus. What’s happening to this country? You used to have to be a goddamn genius war hero to go to space. Now any goof with a checking account can-… huh? Katy Perry is going, too? Who the hell is Katy Perry? A singer? Hold on, who kissed a girl? Oh good Lord. On the radio? I’ll tell you, I just don’t know anymore. This type of crap wouldn’t be happening if Old Blue Eyes was still around. Now there was a class act. He and Dean really handled themselv- hold on, the weather’s coming on. I gotta go. [hangs up]”
So I guess that settles that.
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