For far too long, I was ignorantly unaware – until movie blogger/world record holder for most Max von Sydow puns in a single article (one), Vince Mancini, introduced me to possibly the greatest show ever: “Manswers.” As listeners of the Film Drunk Frotcast know, “Manswers” is a Spike series that asks a number of manly, often skeevy questions that guys everywhere need to know the answer to, like how drunk does a girl have to be before she sleeps with you and, well, see above; it’s the Ultimate Manswer. The queries (or, in “Manswers” speak: QUEERies) are then reenacted with schlubby guys and hot girls.
It’s a show of fascinating contradictions: disgusting, yet gratifying; not funny, yet hilarious; gross, yet…actually, it’s pretty gross. And best of all, it uses the tried-and-true Chinese Democracy method of piling noise on top of noise on top of noise, etc. Except instead of layers of guitar, there are fart sound effects and a car horn honk every time a woman with large breasts appears onscreen.
I watched more episodes of “Manswers” than any mere mortal should (ALL OF THEM), and took screencaps of the 25 best images from throughout the show’s dignified run. (FYI: slides #5 and #15 are slightly NSFW.) If you have a soundboard on your iPhone, feel free to accompany the photos with noises of your choosing. I recommend the toilet flush.
What this picture tells you is that you should stick your dong in a dugong, should you ever have the opportunity to, because evidently their junk is very similar to a woman’s vagina. Know what else females and dugongs have in common? They both feed on low-fiber high-nitrogen seagrass, so as to maximize nutrient intake instead of bulk eating. Women always be nutrient intaking.
Ask for the two-for-one special. You get a happy ending and a small bag of meth for one low price.
Sorry, being a Jew – this Lent thing looks like fun, what with its cows and Monty Python hands.
If this were an album cover, the record would be called Just the Tip.
“Manswers” asks the questions no one has ever asked. (For what it’s worth, the answer, excuse me, manswer is, “Give them penis pills.”)
A scene from the “Manswers” reenactment of “Twin Peaks.” Laura Palmer is now Laura I’d-Palm-Her.
I've had Taco Bell, haven't I?
I hope the crew of “Luck” was watching.
I’m going to start writing in Doo Doo Man font from now on. Also, what’s on his shirt? It looks a police officer with his butt sticking way out, or am I just having that nightmare again?
Mmm...Chug Lite. It’s the chuggiest!
If Tyrion Lannister were to ever meet the person who wrote this question:
(And no, they’re more expensive.)
The bartender is having none of these four ladies.
To be honest, I’d probably put my thumb in the direction of up if I had sex while sky diving, too. Even if there weren’t any cameras filming it.
My wedding theme. “Honey, would you mind moving the gun-wielding dwarves a little to the right of the balls? I don’t want them to distract from the cake.”
There’s really no subtly with this show.
This actor is in more than one episode, often as the fat guy who ate too much and needs to take a dump, though this is the only time his poop spray looks like gold.
I wish this was a GIF. The turd behind “buddy’s” actually moves across the screen, from left to right. It cost $3 million to film.
I added the helpful caption. Whale Puke sounds like a band name Andy Dwyer would have come up with.
“Come to Trinity College: where giant women in bikinis sunbathe in the courtyard.”
Usually that beaver only comes out for lame vagina jokes. Not here, though. The Beav appears for no discernible reason, other than it’s amusing to have a Godzilla-sized beaver chilling on top of the CDC, I guess? Maybe he killed Jenner.
Even fatties love Surf Ninjas.
It's like they weren't even trying that day.