Cougar Town (ABC) – On tonight’s show, Julie finds out that Holly hooked up with Travis. Wait, what does hook up mean now? Because I mean they kissed a bunch, but I can never keep up with this stuff. For all I know, “hooked up” now refers to some deviant group sex act that kids do at parties and later text pictures of to their teachers and other Internet creeps. My point here is that teenagers should be kept in cages.
Glee/New Girl (FOX) – Justin Long guest stars on “New Girl.” I bet he and Zooey Deschanel told each other lots of stories about shilling for Apple products. “I was a Mac and made John Hodgman look like a boob,” “I asked my phone if it was raining while I was looking out the window at what was clearly rain falling from the sky,” and so on and so forth.
The L.A. Complex (CW) – Ever since I found out this show got the worst ratings ever, I have been fascinated by it. I vote we all watch it and see if we can cause a noticeable jump in the numbers.
Unforgettable (CBS) – From TV Guide: “Carrie’s nemesis, Walter Morgan, frames her for his own murder.” Sheesh. Walter is pretty serious about this nemesis business.
Jeff Dunham: Birth of a Dummy (BIO) – I sh-t you not, this is the name of the show. I know they’re trying to be cute, but I have chosen to take this at face value and find it hilarious.
Secrets of Bin Laden’s Lair (Discovery) – You know you’re a bad dude when they call your house a “lair.” Good guys don’t have lairs.
NBA Playoffs (TNT) – Bros. BROS. Have you seen all the promo spots TNT is running for “Franklin & Bash” during the playoffs? It’s totes coming back soon and this season looks mega-epic. UP TOP! [holds hand up for high five that never comes] Oo, sick burn, bro.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: The latest DWTS reject is on Kimmel; Seth Meyers and Krysten Ritter are on Letterman; Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Lennon Parham are on Ferguson; Cameron Diaz and William Shatner are on Leno; Mark Ruffalo and Mario Batali are on Fallon; and Sofia Vergara and Paul F. Tompkins are on a rerun of Conan