A few months ago Syfy aired an original movie titled Jersey Shore Shark Attack. It had horrible guido stereotypes, gratuitous shots of girls in bikinis, C/D-List celebrities in important roles, crappy CGI, and plot holes galore. In short, it was perfect. I remember watching it at the time and thinking to myself “Oh, what a delightful farce. Sharks on the loose at the Jersey Shore. HAHAHA. What will they think of next?”
I bring up this months-old, basic cable, made-for-television movie again today for one important reason, which I will explain to you as calmly and rationally as I can: HOLY SH-T YOU GUYS LOOK AT THAT VIDEO. SHARKS ARE HAVING A FEEDING FRENZY JUST OFF THE ACTUAL JERSEY SHORE. THEY ARE GOING APESH-T. OR MAYBE SHARKSH-T. I DON’T KNOW. I’M TOO SCARED TO DISCUSS SEMANTICS AT THIS POINT. OH AND DID I MENTION THAT THIS HAPPENED “WITHIN 50 YARDS OF THE SHORELINE” ACCORDING TO THE VIDEO DESCRIPTION? FIFTY YARDS. THAT’S, LIKE, LESS THAN HALF A PITCHING WEDGE BETWEEN YOU STANDING ON DRY LAND AND YOU BEING IN THE MIDDLE OF A TORNADO MADE OF TEETH OF FINS. JESUS CHRIST. I VOTE WE BOMB THE OCEAN. IT’S OUR ONLY HOPE. ELECT ME PRESIDENT AND THAT WILL BE MY FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS. THIS IS MY PROMISE TO YOU, AMERICA.
In all honesty, there is literally only one positive to this story, and that is that it gives me an opportunity to repost the GIF of Joey Fatone getting eaten by a shark in the Syfy version. No thank you to the rest of it. Absolutely not.