2 Broke Girls (CBS, 9 p.m.) — Unless you’re a sports fan, there’s not much on tonight, so why not find out what the not-at-all-racist “new side of Han” is? My money’s on “Gangnam Style” being involved somehow.
MLB Playoffs (TBS, 4 p.m.) — Game two of the divisional series between the Washington Nationals at St. Louis Cardinals and New York Yankees at Baltimore Orioles. In other news: my Mets sold 2.2 million tickets this season, their lowest total since 2003. Yay!
How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8 p.m.) — Lily and Marshall hire a nanny, which if this episode had aired in 1997, would have meant an appearance from Fran Fine. That’s reason #43,842 why we should be glad it’s not the 1990s anymore, right between JNCO jeans being out of style and Catfight not existing anymore.
Monday Night Football: Houston Texans at New York Jets (ESPN, 8:30 p.m.) — Or, will the Jets finish with fewer points than the Yankees runs?
Gossip Girl (The CW, 9 p.m.) — Season premiere. Thus begins the sixth and final season of Gossip Girl, meaning you only have 13 more chances to slyly glance at Leighton Meester from the other side of the room while your girlfriend is watching.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Jack Hanna and Max Greenfield on Letterman; Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bubba Watson, and the Wallflowers on Leno; Ben Affleck and Demi Lovato on Kimmel; Ben Affleck and Connie Britton on Fallon; Pete Townshend on Stewart; and Mark Kelly on Colbert.