That’s It? 10 Things We Learned From The Seventh Season Finale Of ‘Dexter’

For all the complaints I’ve made about Sons of Anarchy over the past season, the one thing I can say about Kurt Sutter’s show that I cannot say about Showtime’s Dexter is that at least Sons of Anarchy is sh*tballs entertaining. Compared to the last half of the seventh season of Dexter, Sons of Anarchy is the pristine Harley to Dexter’s broken-down Jalopy.

Dexter is a show that I once loved. It was easily one of my favorite dramas, and the return of Doakes in last night’s season finale reminded me of what Dexter is so badly missing: A better sense of humor. The funniest thing about last night’s seventh season finale was the episode title, “Surprise Motherf***ker.” Other than that, it was a lackluster conclusion to a season that started off so promising, all the more disappointing considering the WALLOPING fantastic season finale to Homeland last night.

Let’s get to the breakdown.

1. Hannah Admits to the Poisoning — All season long, I’ve been trying to predict where the Dexter twists would arrive, and the biggest problem with my predictions is expecting a twist. I thought for sure that Debra had poisoned herself in order to frame Hannah, and I was terribly disappointed to find out that it was as straightforward as it was. It’s just as Dexter surmised. Why make that so obvious? If Debra had poisoned herself, the episode could’ve continued on more or less the same track, but we’d have more respect for Debra.

2. Dexter Still Hearts Hannah — The best emotional notes in last night’s episode were probably hit during the prison conversation between Hannah and Dexter, where Dexter conceded that he was still madly in love with Hannah, and if there was any way to protect her sister, he and Hannah would still be together. “I can never trust you, and you can never trust me. We both knew it would come to this, one of us dead or behind bars.” A more interesting twist might have been to have Dexter behind the bars, which is where I thought the episode was headed at one point: With Dexter in jail, and Debra left to do his dirty work.

3. Hannah Escapes — Hannah’s fizzling storyline may have been the most disappointing part of last night’s episode, but also the most promising. Besides Ray Stevenson’s character, Yvonne Strahovski has been the highlight of season seven (due in no small part to the fact that she is one of the hottest women on television), but to see her use Arline to retrieve some medication, which gave her a seizure, which allowed her to escape and … basically do nothing … was terribly anticlimactic. That’s it?She didn’t play at all into the overall storyline between Debra and Dexter in the end. She left a plant on Dexter’s doorstep, and she just left. She’s in the wind. The good news, at least, is that she could, and probably will, return next season. Bye for now, Yvonne.

4. Speaking of Dead-End Plotlines — Quinn? That’s it? He gets involved with a stripper and the mob, shoots George Novikov, and then his stripper girlfriend dumps him and skips town? There are no repercussions? He shot a guy, framed it to look like self defense, and he … gets away with it? It just goes to show how the whole Ukranian mob plot-line was nothing more than a side diversion in season seven, space filler. The only scene in last night’s episode involving Quinn was when he hit on Angel’s sister.

5. Dexter Frames LaGuerta — The meat of last night’s episode involved LaGuerta, starting with the fact that Dexter framed LaGuerta for setting him up as the killer of Hector Estrada, the killer of Dexter’s mother. In doing so, Dexter threatened to ruin LaGuerta’s career and pushed her into a corner. It was from that corner where LaGuerta made her boldest move: Finding security footage showing that Debra may have been linked to the church fire that killed Travis Marshall. Once Dexter discovered that LaGuerta was also going after Debra, he had no choice but to kill LaGuerta to protect his sister, just as he’d imprisoned Hannah to protect Debra.

6. Dexter Kills Estrada — Good for him! He also used it as an opportunity to lure LaGuerta to her death.

7. TWIST — The one twist in the entire episode was, again, unpredictable only in its obviousness. Any number of scenarios could’ve made that more interesting. For instance, if Debra had struck out on her own and killed LaGuerta to protect Dexter. Or if Hannah had somehow gotten involved and murdered LaGuerta to protect Dexter. Or if LaGuerta or Hannah had shot Debra, or if Dexter had chosen Hannah over Debra. Anything other than Debra breaking down and ultimately choosing her brother over LaGuerta, who she shot, and whose dead body she sobbed over, which was probably the most surprising turn in the whole episode.

It was apparently Jennifer Carpenter’s own decision to do that, which provoked this tweet from Strahovski, which is a fun mental image.

8. They Got Away With It? — That’s it? Season over? They shoot LaGuerta and walk away? You’re going to tell me they somehow cleaned up that scene and made it look like a shoot-out between Estrada and LaGuerta, even though it was Debra’s bullet that killed LaGuerta. That was a sloppy, irresolute ending.

9. Angel Retires — But did he really? Who doesn’t think that Angel — with LaGuerta dead and a potential investigation, not to mention the possibility of a promotion — won’t come back next season as the new captain? OF COURSE HE WILL.

10. The Dark Passenger — Thematically, I suppose what we learned from last night’s episode, especially via the conversations between Dexter and his Dark Passenger, is that Dexter’s two lives have merged. If there was one thing that the flashbacks demonstrated, it was much Dexter’s character has evolved from the quirky blood spatter analyst with a dark sense of humor to the somber, humorless killer, and he’s become that in both lives now. He didn’t have to hide that side of himself from Hannah, and he doesn’t really have to hide it from Debra, anymore.

The only problem is: I miss the quirky guy with the macabre sense of humor. Also, I miss Doakes.

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