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Chronicling Sterling Archer’s Many, Many Injuries, Ailments, And Gunshot Wounds

By / 03.06.13
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A couple of weeks ago I mentioned that despite all the cyborg action on Archer, Sterling himself is the one who is seemingly indestructible. Dude has been through a helluva lot, both physically and emotionally. And that's to not even mention all the probable VD and the ever-lingering threat of a cumulative hangover that would most likely kill him if he were to ever stop drinking.

Guess what? This week he's up for another harrowing medical ordeal. With that in mind the incredible folks at Floyd County helped me research the many injuries and ailments of Sterling Archer. I'll term this "almost comprehensive," because -- let's be honest -- not even the people behind the show can be expected to properly document every time Archer's been shot (even though you know how much he hates that).

In almost chronological order...

Episode: Flashback during Season 4's "Once Bitten"

Perpetrator: A crazy lady who knew he'd be the best there ever was.

1-10 on the Life-Threatening Scale: 8

Episode: Season 1's "Diversity Hire"

Perpetrator: Conway Stern

1-10 on the Life-Threatening Scale: 3 7, after further review

Episode: Season 1's "Skorpio"

Perpetrator: Skorpio's underwater henchmen

1-10 on the Life-Threatening Scale: 2

Episode: Season 1's "Skorpio" & Season 1's "Skytanic"

Perpetrator: Lana, both times

1-10 on the Life-Threatening Scale: 1

Episode: Season 1's "The Rock"

Perpetrator: Night vision goggles & ODIN

1-10 on the Life-Threatening Scale: 0

Episode: Season 1's "Job Offer"

Perpetrator: Himself + bulletproof door

1-10 on the Life-Threatening Scale: 2

Episode: Also, Season 1's "Job Offer"

Perpetrator: Lana + himself + seatbelts

1-10 on the Life-Threatening Scale: 4

Episode: Season 1's "Dial M for Mother"

Perpetrator: The KGB and Malory, respectively

1-10 on the Life-Threatening Scale: 1 and 9, respectively

Episode: Season 2's "Stage 2" & "Placebo Effect"

Perpetrator: God?

1-10 on the Life-Threatening Scale: 8

Episode: Season 2's "Tragical History"

Perpetrator: George Spelvin's Sexy Ninja Sidekicks

1-10 on the Life-Threatening Scale: 3

Episode: Multiple and Ongoing

Perpetrator: God, himself, all known friends and enemies

1-10 on the Life-Threatening Scale: 0

Episode: Season 4's "Once Bitten"

Perpetrator: A random Gurpgork (aka Turkmenistan snake)

1-10 on the Life-Threatening Scale: 9

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