Love Actually (AMC, 8 p.m.) — A lot of people love Love Actually, a lot of people hate Love Actually, even more people laugh at Sheriff Rick with his cards. “To me, you are CCCOOOORRRRAAALLLL.”
The Returned (Sundance, 9 p.m.) — Every time someone says Adèle’s name, I hope Mogwai will FINALLY break into an instrumental version of “Rumor Has It” that lasts for 26 minutes. Hasn’t happened yet.
Parenthood (NBC, 10 p.m.) — It’s the most Parenthood episode title yet: “All That’s Left is the Hugging.” And crying.
Scandal (ABC, 10 p.m.) — “Everyone struggles to face the consequences of their actions now that the truth has been revealed.” Olivia is actually three bunnies in a trench coat. The bottom died from too much red wine.
Elementary (CBS, 10 p.m.) — Holmes and Watson investigate the murder of a hedge fund manager who was running a Ponzi scheme. Next they should investigate why the New York Mets suck so much. #metsjokes
Watch What Happens Live (Bravo, 11 p.m.) — Andy Cohen interviews Tyler Perry? I take back what I said: that’s the worst thing to happen to TV this year.
Eagleheart (Adult Swim, 12 a.m.) — This show is very good. That is all.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Julia Roberts on Letterman; Kevin Hart and Brooklyn Decker on Leno; Carey Mulligan and Scott Foley on Kimmel; Jason Schwartzman on Ferguson; Emma Thompson, James Marsden, and Kelly Clarkson on Fallon; Adam Levine and Lee Ranaldo on Conan; Evangeline Lilly on Stewart; and George Packer on Colbert.
