Been thinking about you a lot since last night. You know, because of the thing. The “Tina Fey made a joke about Leonardo DiCaprio and supermodels’ vaginas and it looked like it got censored three full seconds too late” thing. Who am I kidding? You know what I’m talking about. It’s kind of a big deal today. I’m sure you’ve heard.
Anyway, how you doing, man? You okay? I’m sure working the censor button at a booze-soaked awards show like the Golden Globes has to be hard. Like, how were you supposed to know that Jacqueline Bisset was going to walk on stage 10 minutes into the festivities and just start rambling about whatever the hell cuss-filled tangent crossed her mind? I bet you were so stressed out back there, finger hovering over the button, wondering if Robert Downey, Jr. was going to drop an f-bomb out of nowhere just to show people how much he doesn’t buy into the Hollywood machine, or whatever, with no regard for what his decision will mean for you and your trembling, clammy existence. You hate him, and guys like him, right? You can tell me. In fact, please make a list of celebrities you hate. I think that would be fun. For you, I mean. Because it would be therapeutic. I’m just here to help you get through this, not publish confidential letters about A-List celebrities that Hollywood censors hate. Again, you can trust me. Write it on NBC letterhead, convert it to a .pdf, and send it over whenever.
And that Emma Thompson thing! I bet you guys were FREAKING OUT when she was up there. I mean, anyone who’s willing to walk out on stage at an awards show with her shoes in one hand and a martini in the other could potentially say anything, right? Oh God, I bet you were so nervous while she was on stage. You poor thing.
Is that what happened with the Fey-DiCaprio joke? Were you just fried by then? Were you balled up in the corner shaking and trying to warn the nearest person — I’m picturing a janitor — that a potentially risque joke was coming, but you couldn’t get the words out and/or he couldn’t figure out the button system in time? This is really his fault, if you think about it, huh? I mean, how hard is it to push a button? Come on, guy.
Or were you actually really relaxed by then? Did you think you were through the hard part already? Were you just lounging on the control board with a glass of champagne in hand, chatting up an intern by that point? (“Yeah, you know, no one says anything without it getting past me. In a way, I’m the most important guy here.”) Did Tina change the joke on you at the last minute? Was she supposed to deliver some nice PG-13 barb like “Leonardo DiCaprio… More like Hungry Like The Wolf of Wall Street” before tossing it to DiCaprio — a pro, by the way — to take it home? I could see that happening. Oh, that Tina. She’s a real live wire. I bet you did a pretty hilarious champagne spit-take — all over the intern, probably — as you rushed to the button in a futile attempt to reverse time and censor it out of the broadcast
I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said “hilarious.” It’s just … look, I know it was probably not a great moment for you, and you might have gotten yelled at (Did you get yelled at?), but you have to admit, if you weren’t you, this would be funny, right? I don’t know. Maybe it’s still too soon. You’ll come around. I’m sure of it.
Unless… wait. Did you let it slide on purpose? Did you do it to impress that intern? I bet you showed her the script and she was all “Ooooo, that line is so funny,” and you were like “Sure is. Too bad I have to bleep it out,” and then she was all “What? Why? It’s not that bad,” and then you got to thinking, “Hey, who are they to tell me what’s offensive? I’m the censor here.” And then I bet the two of you came up with this plan to let the joke ride and smash the button just after, so when the boss came in to yell at you she could be all “No, he tried. The button wasn’t working. I saw the whole thing.” Is that what happened? It was, wasn’t it? YOU DOG YOU. Did you get her number?
Anyway, just wanted to drop you a line and see how you’re holding up today. Hope all is well.