This weekend photos surfaced of a black bear chilling in a hammock in Daytona Beach, Florida. These photos justifiably took the world by storm, with just about every major television news organization doing a story on it (including, for some reason, the Weather Channel). Here’s a little background, via local NBC affiliate WESH:
After knocking over trash cans and scaring the residents of a Daytona Beach neighborhood Thursday, this black bear needed a rest. [...]
“He got in the hammock like he was a tourist or something,” said Vincent James, who owns the home and the hammock. “Then something spooked him and he ran right back there. Then half an hour later I come back and I saw there he is in the hammock again.”
So, yes, a bear in a hammock. Got it. And shoutout to Florida hammock-owner Vincent James for saying the bear “got in the hammock like he was a tourist or something,” as though people visiting Florida routinely trespass on private property to use people’s hammocks. But even with all that background, I’m still left feeling a bit … unsatisfied. I must know more. I have … questions.
And away we go:
How did the bear get in the hammock?
I mean, have you ever tried to climb into a hammock?
It’s pretty much impossible, even with assistance from our big huge human brains that are capable of supreme amounts of logic and reason, right?
So, again, how did the bear get in the hammock?
Does it worry you that, in addition to being giant mauling machines that can reach speeds in excess of 30 mph, bears also apparently possess the balance and body control to pull off that feat of agility?
Don’t get me wrong, this is hilarious (a BEAR in a HAMMOCK!), but isn’t it a little disquieting to realize what a finely tuned predator a bear is?
Were you aware that one of the anagrams for Hammock Bear is “Bar Ammo Heck”?
Do you think, after seeing a black bear just lounging like that in the backyard, “Bar. Ammo. Heck” is what the guy who lives in that house said to his wife, because he was too weirded out and/or terrified to construct the sentence “I’m going to the bar and bringing my gun because there’s a dang bear in the hammock”?
Wouldn’t a headline like “Shotgun-Wielding Man Barricades Himself in Bar After Seeing Bear in Hammock” be one of the more Florida things you could ever see?
Hey, speaking of anagrams, were you aware that another anagram for Hammock Bear is “Mambo Hacker”?
What if there was a show called Mambo Hacker that starred Lou Bega as a semi-fictionalized version of himself who uses his status as a 90s one-hit wonder as a cover to commit a series of global cybercrimes?
WHO WOULD EVEN SEE IT COMING?
And what if the FBI agent in change of hunting him down was played by Keith Sweat, in character as Special Agent Keith Sweat from the music video for “Twisted”?
You know, kind of like Party Down, but instead of a commercial, “Are we having fun yet?,” and catering, it’s “Mambo #5,” “The TRUMPET,” and an international computer hacking conspiracy?
WHY ISN’T THERE A TV SHOW CALLED MAMBO HACKER?
DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
Moving along: do you think the rest of the bears in the woods were working while Hammock Bear was taking a break?
Does he do that a lot?
Is Hammock Bear actually just Lazy Bear (Who Happened to Find a Hammock)?
Or is this, like, his whole lifestyle, just laid back and carefree like The Dude in The Big Lebowski?
Do you think when all the other bears go hunting and foraging for food, Hammock Bear is all “Nah. I’ll just stay here and eat the pretzels I found in the dumpster, man”?
Does he own a robe?
More like The Big LeBEARski, right?
Does Hammock Bear’s mom ever yell at him when he goes to visit her, like “I don’t get it. You did so well in school. Now you just lounge around all day. Why can’t you be more like your older brother, Dentist Bear? He has a good job, and a wife, and a Volvo. He’s doing something with his life”?
Do you think sometimes Dentist Bear looks at his family and mortgage and “normal” life and starts feeling trapped, like he’s just putting in time until he kicks the bucket, and he gets envious of Hammock Bear and his freewheeling, devil-may-care existence?
Do you think Hammock Bear smokes weed?
How would a bear even smoke weed?
I mean, wouldn’t working a lighter with paws be impossible?
Does Hammock Bear just wander around looking for campfires or unattended grills so he can light up?
Doesn’t that seem horribly inefficient?
Or does he have a little stoner chimpanzee buddy who lights joints for him?
When Hammock Bear gets really high, does he put on a park ranger hat, call himself “Smokey,” and then just laugh and laugh as though it is the single funniest thing anyone has ever thought of or done?
If you saw a bear and a chimpanzee smoking a joint in the woods, what would you do?
Should wild animals be allowed to openly flout our nation’s drug laws?
Do you think it was rude of the homeowner here to not offer Hammock Bear a nice glass of lemonade or maybe even a beer while he was relaxing on the hammock?
If you saw a bear in your hammock, would you risk your safety by venturing outside to offer him a refreshing beverage, or would you risk offending him by being a bad host?
Has a bear ever mauled someone for having poor manners?
What if that was a thing and survival guides contained tips like “If you find yourself cornered by a bear, remember to always use ‘please’ and ‘thank you,'” or contained entire chapters written by Emily Post?
Does Hammock Bear help himself to other furniture and/or recreational materials people leave outside their homes, like maybe their trampolines or swimming pools or various lawn games?
What if you came home early from vacation one year and found Hammock Bear and his buddies playing bocce in your yard, just drinking sangria and yukking it up?
How much sangria do you think it would take to get a black bear drunk?
More or less than Andre the Giant?
Do you think Hammock Bear and Andre the Giant would be friends if Andre the Giant were still alive?
Would you watch a Bourdain-style travel show about a laid-back talking black bear and a gigantic professional wrestler criss-crossing the country in search of the best food and drink America has to offer?
What if the pothead chimp came along, too?
Wouldn’t the Vegas episode of that show be amazing?
If that show was on against Mambo Hacker, which would you watch live and which would you DVR?
What do you think Hammock Bear’s real name is?
Probably, like, Bruce, right?
I bet it’s Bruce.