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UPROXX 20: Comedian Kurt Metzger Would Like To Punch Mark Zuckerberg Right In His ‘Lipless Mouth Slit’

By / 07.08.14
kurt metzger

Comedy Central


Kurt Metzger is a comedian/writer whose first one-hour stand-up special, White Precious, airs this Friday night on Comedy Central at 11pm EST. A former Jehovah’s Witness minister, Metzger has been a writer on Comedy Central’s Inside Amy Schumer and also writes for Jim Norton’s new VICE show and Neal Brennan’s new Sundance show, in addition to having also been a writer on some of the Comedy Central’s vaunted celebrity roasts. Metzger is also the voice of Randall Skeffington on the show Ugly Americans.

Kurt was nice enough to take a few minutes out of his busy schedule recently to answer a few questions from us.

1. You walk into a bar. What do your order from the bartender?

Whatever the priest and the rabbi are having.

2. Who’s your favorite person to follow on Twitter?

Colin Quinn. Generally I’m not into twitter. A dirty snitch network for dirty snitches.

3. What’s currently waiting for you on your DVR/TiVO?

Nothing right now. All my stories are done for the season. I guess I have no reason to live when I think about it.

4. It’s your last meal — what are you going out with?

Roasted bone marrow from Minetta Tavern. Unless you know a better bone marrow place. I’m open to it. Just bring me a sampler.

5. What websites do you visit on a regular basis?

Xhamster, Gamespot, Upworthy, Salon, Facebook. In that order.

6. What’s the most frequently played song on your iPod?

Don’t have an ipod. On my phone I was listening to this one MIA song for a while. But now I’m all burnt out on that and I haven’t picked a new one.

7. The first face that comes to mind when you think “punchable”?  

Mark Zuckerberg. Right in his lipless mouth slit. That kid from One Direction with the stupid hair. Oh my god can you imagine punching him out of his pointy shoes? Also, I don’t know if you saw the Duke University “We Don’t Say” campaign, but everyone on those posters could be lined up and slapped back and forth like the Three Stooges.

8. What’s your favorite meme?

This one with Star Wars and Game of Thrones characters screaming that their hand got cut off. Then the last picture is of Theon Greyjoy just staring. Haha. He got his dick cut off, that’s why.

9. Dogs or cats?

Dogs. Formerly, cats.

10. Best concert of your life was…?

Iron Maiden. Never listened to them on my own, but I went to Ozzfest one time and Iron Maiden played. They were so awesome they could have backwards sang for me to kill my parents and I would have done it.

11. What book are you most likely to give as a gift?

Kooks. By Donna Kossey.

12. What’s the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you?

Blowing me.

13. South Park or Family Guy?

I shoot them both myself to show these “men of will” what will REALLY is. Then I kill all their friends and family and disappear.

14. You have an entire day to do whatever you want. What would you do?

I’m a standup comic for a living. I have every entire day to do what I want. It turns out not much.

15. What movie can you not resist watching if it’s on?

Porn.

16. What’s your favorite sports team or teams?

None.

17. Where did you eat the best meal of your life?

Can’t remember. But if I could, who gives a sh*t? Who gives a f*cking sh*t? You know what else? I hate the Food Network.

18. The last movie you saw in a theater?

That new X-Men. It was so good I declare Bryan Singer officially NOT a pedophile.

19. Who was your first celebrity crush?

The main actress on Max Headroom. When I was like 8. After that none.

20. What would you cook if Nic Cage was coming to your house for dinner?

I don’t know. Spaghetti? Do you think he likes spaghetti? I wish I’d had more time to prepare. Well he’s having spaghetti.

PREVIOUSLY: Nathan Fielder

Here’s a preview of White Precious, which is also available for viewing online here.

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