Like many people, I was resistant to New Girl throughout its first season thanks to Zooey Deschanel and nearly every write-up about the show having some combination of “quirky” and “adorkable.” No thanks. The show’s strong ensemble cast proved me wrong however, and I was converted to the legion of New Girl fans when the show began streaming on Netflix .
New Girl returns for its fourth season tonight, which of course means there will be all that Jess/Nick and Cece/Schmidt drama to rehash, but more importantly, it means we’ll be getting a new dose of New Girl-isms to use in our everyday vocabulary. (I’ve made it a personal goal of mine to use “white fanging” at least once a week.) To celebrate the return of “Schmidt happening” here’s your New Girl vocabulary guide. I probably missed a few from the third season, so feel free to add your favorites in the comments.
Babybels
A way of referring to a woman’s breasts when you’ve got something of an Oedipal complex. Not recommended for using on a woman who you are not involved romantically with, and even then it’s likely to backfire.
Baby Box
Similar to “babybels,” but this time it’s referring to the actual place on a woman’s body where baby’s come from. Jess uses the term in frustration as it can cause much grief — or joy — for a man or woman.
Beans
Maybe you thought you knew what beans were, but New Girl is giving the word a new definition: testicles. The slang first comes up in the pilot episode when Coach worries that he won’t be able to let his “beans” hang out if Jess moves in. Winston later makes good use of his “beans” by using them to add flavoring to his terrible boss’ milkshakes.
Bishop in a Turtleneck
Surprisingly, this slang has nothing to do with Catholicism. It’s just a fun new way to refer to one’s uncircumcised penis.
Boob Fight
“Boob Fight” sounds like some sort of sideshow at Senor Frogs during spring break, but is actually the equivalent of guys hitting each other in the nuts. There are no winners in a boob fight, only losers and sore boobs.
Boob Jail
Employment is a jail sentence for boobs, forcing them to do hard time for 8-12 hours a day in the prison that is wearing a bra. Unemployment gives boobs the freedom to do as they please.
Bronemies
Is he your bro or your enemy? The “bronemy” can be both. While he’s fun to hang out with, he’s not to be trusted and will eventually stab you in the back. Just like Schmidt, Julius Caesar had many bronemies.
Butt Drinking
“Butt Drinking” is an alternative to drinking through one’s mouth that is practiced by certain fraternities and Jess’ model friend Cece. Jess never explains to Nick exactly how Cece’s butt drinking works, but somethings are better left a mystery.
Driving Moccasins
There are regular walking moccasins and then there are the more refined and classy “driving moccasins.” Not everyone can pull them off, but they do pair well with a nice Irish walking cane.
Junk Mail
Not those Pottery Barn catalogs that you can seem to shake, but a more subtle way of referring to a dick pic. (Much like traditional junk mail though, the receiver is often not appreciative.)
Maple Tree
This isn’t referring to any sort of tree or syrup gathering process at all, but instead is Jess’ unbelievably bad way of letting everyone know that she plans on having sex.
Menzies
The male equivalent of the menstrual cycle. Still considered largely a myth, Winston fell into Jess’ cycle and soon found himself unable to leave the couch and prone to fits of crying, hunger, and repeated viewings of Dirty Dancing.
Party Hats
New Girls’ “Party Hats” have nothing to do with parties or actual hats, but are instead a douchey way of referring to hard nipples. A cold room, excitement, there a number of circumstances that can cause one’s party hats to take shape.
Porn Hole
Nearly every man — and probably some women — have found themselves trapped in a “porn hole” at one time. It’s a place that can often leave one feeling shameful and even worse, leave your computer full of damaging STDs.
Prank Sinatra
Winston dubs himself “Prank Sinatra” and boasts of his pranking ideas, all of which are terrible and likely to cause serious physical harm. Seriously, do not use acid in a roommate prank.
Sandwich House
A “sandwich house” sounds like quite possibly the best type of house, full of delicious sandwiches that one must eat to prove his worth. I’m fairly certain that Ernest Hemingway once ate his way out of a sandwich house.
Slut House
Probably the best type of house after a sandwich house.
White Fanging
Knowing so much about or just being so engrossed in one single subject that you must only talk about that subject. “Would you quit ‘White Fanging’ me about your new driving moccasins?!”
Youths
Yes, in the New Girl world “youths” does refer to young people, but these aren’t just any young people. These youths are hoodlums that are not to be trusted. “I’m not parking my car here. This is a terrible neighborhood, there are youths everywhere!”
