Archer (FX, 10:00 p.m.) — Ciao Miami, it’s time for Archer to roll down the sleeves or possibly ditch the white sportcoat altogether and get back to work as season 6 starts on FX tonight. In the premiere, Archer is trapped in the jungle with a ton of World War II knick-knacks and a plane that he must recover.
The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 8:00 p.m.) — America’s favorite sitcom returns from its winter break as Leonard and Sheldon get into a fight when they take Penny and Amy dress shopping. Who says “dress shopping”?
American Idol (FOX, 8:00 p.m.) — More auditions, more heartbreak, more potentially viral #UglyCries.
Mom (CBS, 8:30) — America’s Favorite Nice Guy II (Colin Hanks) guest stars as Christy’s new neighbor and potential squeeze.
Parenthood (NBC, 9:00 p.m.) — The family gathers around to offer each other support after Zeek is rushed to the hospital in a not-so-upbeat episode of Parenthood.
Elementary (CBS, 10:00 p.m.) — A friend of Watson’s pulls her and Sherlock onto a case and Sherlock struggles to stay sober. I forget, is Sherlock a coke-head in this show or is it something else?
Portlandia (IFC, 10:00 p.m.) — Everyone’s favorite sketch show returns for its fifth season. And by everyone, I mean people who live in Portland, brunch enthusiasts, feminist bookstore owners (or not!), maybe some Brooklynites, Fred Armisen, and various other people that aren’t me. I have tried and tried to find abundant and lasting love for this show to no avail. Maybe you’ll have better luck.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Joaquin Phoenix (what lies will he tell?!) and Larry Wilmore on Kimmel; Donald Trump and Chelsea Peretti on Letterman; Ethan Hawke and Monica Potter on the Drew Carey hosted Late Late Show; Lena Dunham, JK Simmons, and Ghostface Killah on Fallon; Matt LeBlanc and Patton Oswalt on Meyers; Allison Williams on The Daily Show; and Nicole Kidman reveals her almost relationship with Conan O’Brien on Conan.
