[puts coin in pay phone, dials number]
“Hi, Mrs. Carter. Can I speak to Donnie?”
“Yoooo, Donnie. It’s me.”
“Guess who has a brand new Cadillac?”
“Wait, what?”
“Why the hell would I be calling you from a pay phone to tell you Jenny Libretti got a new Cadillac?”
“Well good for Jenny Libretti.”
“No, you idiot. ME. I have a brand new Cadillac!”
“Some guy gave it to me.”
“Some big advertising guy. Said he makes commercials.”
“Yeah, he just gave it to me. Tossed me the keys and just got ou-”
“No, I didn’t have to do anything for it.”
“Jesus Christ, Donnie.”
“Yes, I’m sure.”
“That’s what was so weird. He caught me trying to steal $500 from a fundraiser for a military veteran who burned half his house down, and th-”
“What do you mean, ‘Why?'”
“Because I’m a grifter now.”
“Because that’s what grifters do. You know, like in The Sting. Wait, has The Sting come out yet?”
“Not till 1973, huh?”
“Fine, then like some other movie.”
“I don’t know, Donnie. A movie about a con man.”
“Well now I can’t think of one, either.”
“Look, it’s not important. I’m trying to tell you a story here.”
“So he figures out I stole the $500 and he throws me down on the bed in his roo-”
“No, to yell at me.”
“For the last time, it wasn’t like that.”
“I really don’t see how I can be clearer about this.”
“So, he yells at me and makes me give the money back, and th-”
“Because the old army guys thought he took it and they wouldn’t let him leave until they got it back.”
“I guess they whacked him in the face with a phone book.”
“And get this. One of the army guys ate people during the war.”
“Because he tells everyone about it every time he gets drunk.”
“Yeah, that’s what the guy said. Probably not the best target for my first big grift.”
“The guy who gave me the Cadillac.”
“I dunno, I left him at the bus stop.”
“Because that’s where he wanted me to leave him.”
“No, it wasn’t a trap.”
“Because I know.”
“How would that trap even work? A guy rents a room at a hotel, catches me stealing $500, makes me give it back, gives me a Cadillac, and then… what?”
“That’s an awful lot of work to go through for insurance fraud.”
“Well, then maybe you should become a grifter, Mr. Know-It-All.”
“Look, do you want to ride around in a Cadillac or not?”
“[sighs]”
“I don’t know what’s so hard to understand. A guy I knew for a few days caught me stealing money from a down-on-his-luck veteran, chewed me out, told me I needed to leave town, drove me to the bus stop, then gave me his luxury car and sat down on a bench in the middle of nowhere to wait for a bus to come pick him up.”
“BECAUSE MAYBE I SUBLIMINALLY GRIFTED HIM, OKAY?”
“Screw you, Donnie.”
[hangs up]
