By now, if you watched or even simply knew that Comedy Central hosted a roast for Rob Lowe, you know that Ann Coulter was the real star of the show. As soon as the event kicked off, audience members were live-tweeting the hate she was receiving from the other comedians and celebrities on the dais, and we also offered a firsthand account of the polemicist’s demise. Of course, what we call a demise or verbal obliteration, Coulter called a victory. And rightfully so, because everyone was talking about her for an entire week while she was pushing her latest book to Trump-loving Americans.
On Monday night, we got to see all of the Coulter jokes that were good enough to be included in the TV broadcast. Coulter wasn’t lying when she called it the Roast of Ann Coulter featuring Rob Lowe, because there were far more jokes about her than there were about what we expected to be the easiest target: Lowe’s 1988 sex tape scandal. Why was Coulter even there? “Buy my book! Buy my book!” But how did the woman who proclaimed herself the champion of the evening actually handle the barrage of insults?
Let’s take an in-depth look at her actual reaction to each performer’s attempts to shame her. First up, the Roast Master got the ball rolling:
“Is Pete white? Is he black? Ann Coulter needs to know so she can decide if she hates him.” – David Spade
“Ann Coulter, if you’re here, who’s scaring the crows away from our crops? Ann describes herself as a polemicist, but most people call her a c*nt. Last year, we had Martha Stewart, who sells sheets. Now we have Ann Coulter, who cuts eyeholes in them.” – Pete Davidson
“Holy shit, is that Ann Coulter? That can mean only one thing: someone must have said her name three times! Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice! Fun fact: Ann Coulter has a big, angry bush. No joke, that’s just a fun fact.” – Rob Riggle
“As a feminist, I can’t support everything being said up here tonight. As somebody who hates Ann Coulter, I’m delighted. Jeff Ross is going to party like it’s 1999. Ann Coulter is going to vote like it’s 1899. Ann, you do look great, though. You’re almost as thin as Donald Trump’s chances of winning the election. It’s really a small world. Last week I was behind Ann Coulter in line at Chipotle, and she ordered something to go: the entire kitchen staff. What’s weird is, believe it or not, gay men love Ann Coulter. It’s because two seconds into hearing her speak, they remember why they hate pussy.” – Jewel