FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
NEW ORLEANS (UPROXX) — Against the backdrop of screaming, adoring fans rocking the country, the Colbert Report had the greatest man and quarterback to ever walk the Earth on as its guest last night. As he flawlessly and graciously answered hard-hitting questions posed by the show’s honorable host, Stephen Colbert, Drew Brees cured a female audience member of leprosy and chlamydia when the light reflecting off of his facial birthmark reflected into her eyes.
Meanwhile, despicable human scum Matt Ryan and Cam Newton, who are worse than dogs, have brought together undesirable forces in an attempt to overthrow Drew Brees and the Who Dat Nation, and thus they have committed hideous crimes and acts of treachery in betrayal of such profound trust and warmest paternal love shown to them by Drew Brees.
Absolute is the trust the people of the Who Dat Nation have in Brees’ ability to vanquish the likes of Ryan and Newton, enemies of the people and heinous betrayers of the Who Dat Nation.
(This post has been inspired by North Korean government press releases.)