Hello. Are you ready to have your mind blown a little bit? Are you, really? Because I imagine you just said “yes” to that question without thinking it all the way through. Please, stop for a moment and collect yourself. Be sure. If you are like me, what I am going to tell you will alter your entire day, and maybe go beyond that. It might change your whole life, in a “butterfly flaps its wings” type of situation. Take this seriously. Okay. Ready?
Elizabeth Warren watches Ballers.
Yes, Elizabeth Warren, Senator from Massachusetts, progressive warrior, noted Trump provoker, perpetual thorn in the side of Wall Street types, watches Ballers, HBO’s football Entourage series starring The Rock and many expensive boats. It’s true. I know it because she said so, casually, in a message of support to the Writers Guild as negotiations with Hollywood studios intensified. Here, look:
This is fascinating. Read it again. Because you get to the part about her watching Big Little Lies and you’re like “Yeah, sure, okay, I get that,” and then you read the message of support for the union and you’re like “Right, naturally, nothing too surprising here.” But then you get to the ending. “Bruce and I can’t wait for the next season of Ballers to start.” She singled out Ballers. Out of every show on television. Not a trendy, hip political show, like Veep, or some prestige-y show like The Americans or even Better Call Saul. Not even House of Cards. Ballers. I freaking love it. It’s my favorite story about a politician watching a television show since the time Hillary Clinton, a lawyer who is married to a charismatic politician with a wandering eye, said she loves The Good Wife, a show about a lawyer who is married to a charismatic politician with a wandering eye. Seriously, picture her and Bill watching that show together. Imagine being in the room with them while they watched it. This is also fascinating.
And the whole thing gets even better. Do you think Elizabeth Warren was kidding, or that maybe she just asked an intern for a show he liked and the intern was all “Ballers is my jam, ma’am”? The thought probably dawned on you. Well, let me assure you that Elizabeth Warren was serious. Very serious. Serious enough that she also mentioned the show twice in the prologue of her new book. Like, on page one…
… and again to tie the whole story together.
Elizabeth Warren loves Ballers so much.
The only downside here — to the extent there is one, and I am admittedly nitpicking — is that I need to know more. So much more. Everything, preferably. I have so many questions now.
What other shows does Elizabeth Warren watch?
Do other members of Congress watch Ballers?
What did she think of the episode where Rob Corddry’s character basically stole a yacht and a bunch of football players did cocaine with strippers?
What did she think of the plot about Ricky having trouble with a teammate and then finding out that the trouble stemmed from him unknowingly sleeping with that teammate’s mother?
Does she think maybe Spencer is taking on a little too much, especially considering his opiate use, and that he should think about taking a step back to take care of himself?
What if there’s a discussion on the Senate floor about the opiate epidemic and Elizabeth Warren starts her remarks with, “In season one of Ballers…”?
Is she a fan of The Rock, in general?
Do you think she also watches movies that The Rock is in?
Has Elizabeth Warren seen the Fast & Furious movies?
What would you do if you were in line at the movie theater and Elizabeth Warren was in front of you and she got up to the counter and said “One for The Fate of the Furious, please. In IMAX”?
Does she think it’s a little weird that Jason Statham’s character is now friends with everyone even though he killed Han in cold blood on the streets of Tokyo not all that long ago?
What did she think of this suit The Rock wore in an episode one time?
And so on. I’ll stop here, for both of our sakes. But trust me, I could go. I’m just so flabbergasted. A big part of me wants to show up at a town hall and patiently wait my turn as her constituents ask questions about health care, then raise my hand and say, like, “Senator Warren, as a fellow Ballers viewer, do you worry about Reggie being a bad influence on Vernon?” The people have a right to know. And by “the people,” I mean “me.” You can’t just repeatedly profess your love of Ballers without an explanation, Elizabeth Warren. I have things to do! I have things I’m supposed to be doing right now, in fact. Things that do not involve writing north of 800 words containing wildly speculative questions about you watching Ballers. And yet, here I am. This is not a sustainable situation. We’ll need a more efficient way to handle this.
In fact… you know what? There’s only one way to settle this. There’s only one way to satisfy my sudden and bottomless need for Elizabeth Warren’s opinions about Ballers.
Senator Warren, please consider this a standing offer to recap season three of Ballers for this website.
