NOTE: I’ll open a SPOILER thread at the bottom of this post’s comments section. Please contain all “upcoming on GoT” talk to there. If you mention something that hasn’t happened on the show yet outside of said thread, you’ll be banned. The only way to be unbanned: giving me all your dragons. No dragons, no dice.
The vibe that I’ve gotten from Twitter and other writers is that season finale “Valar Morghulis” wasn’t good enough. After last week’s brilliant, tightly constructed “Blackwater,” “Valar” was all over the place, as it had to be, confusing those who haven’t read the books (“how did Stannis escape so easily?”) and not appeasing those who have (“the House of the Undying was butchered”). But I liked it. I liked it a lot, and I loved the season as a whole. Whenever I’m about to complain about something on “Game of Thrones” I remind myself: this is a Best Drama Series-worthy show about ice zombies, sorcery, dragons, political backstabbing, real backstabbing, demon babies, and direwolves, with an ample amount of boobs and violence. I’m going to miss “Game of Thrones.”
Rather than a normal bullet point recap, with one exception, I put together a season-long GIF recap, including some from last night’s episode. Enjoy, and until 2013: Attractive Women of “Game of Thrones” Season Two Power Ranking: #5. Cersei, #4. Ygritte, #3. Daenerys, #2. Talisa, and #1. Margaery.
Season two began with Joffrey flicking his tongue like a weasel-snake hybrid on his Cake Day and making the drunken fool Ser Dontos, who DEFINITELY isn’t a symbolic representation of America, funnel a keg of wine.
And Cersei was like AW HELL NAH and slapped King Weasel-Snake, eliciting millions of “YAY” tweets.
Tyrion smirked at that.
At Dragonstone, Stannis’s Red Priestess, Melisandre, not only used her sorcery to kill an old man, but also make a subtle reference to the upcoming hit movie, The Dark Knight Rises.
Theon returned home to the Iron Islands to finger his sister, much to Ghost’s paw-stopping amusement.
This would have been a big deal, were it not for the fact that everyone has fingered everyone’s sister on “Game of Thrones.” Plus, Theon seems like the incestous kind.
Littlefinger wiped his semen from a woman’s face because he’s JUST THAT GENTLEMEN-LIKE. Later, in an off-screen scene, he wrote a song about the experience:
But I’m in you so deep, you know I’ve got such a tool for you.
You’ve got your mouth wrapped around my little littlefinger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it littlelinger?
Do you have to, do you have to, do you have to let it littlelinger?
He burned the draft shortly thereafter.
Stannis and Melisandre just knew that Littlefinger wrote the greatest sex song of all-time, though, and they had mmm…floor sex. I doubt there will be any dire consequences from their lovemaking.
Someone, like Tyrion perhaps, should have snipped Stannis’s manhood when they had the chance.
In less demon-y news, Arya felt WEIRD (, misspelled) THINGS when Gendry took his shirt off.
Theon was jealous of Arya.
And of Loras.
Bronn had wise words for Westeros.
Stannis, on his way to King’s Landing, corrected Davos’s grammar, while brother Renly cracked jokes.
Margaery wore an ice cream cone for a dress.
Renly was killed by a demon not-baby, probably because of that ham joke.
Well, OBVIOUSLY, Arya. We just saw that.
DRAGON!!! Which reminds me…
Dany did that for nine/tenths of the season. Whole lotta walking.
Cersei became a drunk. A wonderful, wonderful drunk.
TYRION PUNCHED THE SNOTTY VENOM OUT OF KING WEASEL-SNAKE.
Jon Snow did some stuff he shouldn’t have, went North of the Wall, and got a touched-by-fire Wilding to grind on him. Not too shabby, Snow. Not too shabby.
Obligatory direwolf GIF.
Shae gave depressing advice to a girl who just became a woman. Period.
Some unknown HERO OF THE SEASON threw cow poop at King Weasel-Snake.
The Hound later got revenge on these literally gutless fellows.
Bronn thought that was funny.
The Kingslayer and (Lady) Brienne of Tarth sassed each other and went on adventures.
The scenes between Arya and Tywin had the world demanding a spin-off, at one point called “Awwww-ya and Ty-WIN.” The person who came up with that title has since been charred and/or tarred.
Like Not Bran/Rickon.
Google saw an increase of 64,942% for the search phrase, “god of tits and wine.”
Robb had sex with Charlie Chaplin’s granddaughter because HE’S A GODDAMN FOOL.
Not because he had sex with her, but because he had sex with her.
Jaqen kicked a chicken.
Hot Pie talked about hot pies.
Tyrion cut a dude’s leg off.
Tyrion’s face was slashed.
Podrick slayed the soldier who slashed Tyrion’s face.
So, in summary: Jaqen changed his face in front of Arya and gave her a special coin.
Shae and Tyrion sat in a…creepy crypt of a room.
Jon Snow killed Halfhand, looked totally emo while doing so.
Sansa won’t have to marry King Weasel-Snake, who threw her aside for Queen Ice Cream Cone.
Stannis saw something in fire.
Theon got mad at a horn.
Dany and the Big Ol’ MacGuffin. But hey, Drogo!
And the White Walkers marched to the Wall.