Incontrovertible Proof that Tom Cruise is Not Gay

Entertainment Features
01.18.12 26 Comments

Last night, while I was fiddling around waiting for “Justified” to start, I was watching Anderson Cooper because he has dreamy eyes. I got so lost in them that I forgot to change the channel when Piers Morgan came on and began interviewing one of his biggest competitors for the title of worst human being on the face of the Earth: Rosie O’Donnell. By the time I snapped out of my Anderson Cooper trance, Rosie and Piers were talking about closeted gays, which is when Rosie O’Donnell came to Tom Cruise’s defense.

I’ve been around Tom Cruise a LOT. Tom Cruise drives race cars. I do not think Tom Cruise is gay.

Oh, well, there you go! Tom Cruise drives race cars. Mystery solved. THERE’S NO WAY HE CAN BE GAY.

Look: I don’t care if Tom Cruise is gay or not. I happen to like his movies. Crazy religion notwithstanding, the fact that he did his own stunts in Ghost Protocol buys him my respect. The guy’s got balls of steel, and I don’t care where he dips them. But that statement from O’Donnell? That’s one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard uttered by a human being. What? You can’t be gay because you drive race cars? I think Evan Darling might take issue with that, Rosie. You’re the last person who should be making assumptions about a person’s sexuality based upon his or her hobbies.

Now, please: Go back to doing what you do best, Rosie, which is to stay the hell off of our television screens.

(Source: Buzzfeed)

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