Everyone read this blockquote immediately.
A&E is betting big on Michael Bay.
The cable network has ordered his Platinum Dunes-produced cop drama to pilot. The tentatively titled Occult will center on an FBI agent who has returned from administrative leave after going off the deep end while investigating his wife’s disappearance. Eager to be back on the job, he is paired with an agent with her own complicated backstory who specializes in the occult. Together, they will solve cases for the newly formed occult crimes task force. [THR]
I know I am prone to fits of excitement and hyperbole, so I am going to say this in as measured and reasoned a tone as I can: That is the single greatest description of a television show I have ever seen. Let’s break it down one sentence at a time.
The tentatively titled Occult will center on an FBI agent who has returned from administrative leave after going off the deep end while investigating his wife’s disappearance.
CHIEF: [drinks Maalox straight from the bottle] JOHNSON. MY OFFICE. NOW.
JOHNSON: What’s up, Chief?
CHIEF: Listen up, Johnson. I don’t know if I should be doing this, but here’s your badge and gun. You’re back on the force.
JOHNSON: Thanks, Chief. I know I’m ready. I swear I won’t let you down.
CHIEF: Good, because I swear to God, if you pull any more loose cannon shenanigans like you did before, I’ll bust your ass down to traffic so fast it’ll make your head spin.
JOHNSON: Nonono, Chief. I’m better now. It’s just…
CHIEF: Look, I get it. Sheila’s been missing for six months. It must be torture, and I promise we’ll find her. But I can’t have a live wire, one-man vigilante squad running around the city throwing every suspicious-looking character’s head through a window. There are rules, dammit. My ass is on the line, too.
JOHNSON: I know. I’ve changed. Just put me back on the street and I’ll show you.
Eager to be back on the job, he is paired with an agent with her own complicated backstory who specializes in the occult.
CHIEF: Just one more thing…
JOHNSON: Anything, Chief.
CHIEF: You’re getting a new partner.
JOHNSON: What? Why? What about Henderson?
CHIEF: Henderson’s terrified of you. Everyone is. Ever since that gasoline stunt in the dynamite warehouse, no one wants anything to do with you. I mean, dammit Johnson, people have kids.
JOHNSON: So who am I getting partnered up with then?
CHIEF: Now, you know I don’t buy into any of that mystical, crystal ball, magic-shmagic hooey. When I came up through the academy, cops still solved crime the old-fashioned way: by walking a beat and following their gut. None of this “profiler” or “soothsayer” junk. But this comes straight down from City Hall, so my hands are tied…
JOHNSON: What are you trying to say, Chief?
CHIEF: DRACULINA. GET IN HERE.
[Draculina floats into the room wearing a flowing black dress]
DRACULINA: Yes, master.
CHIEF: Dammit, Draculina. For the last time, I’m the chief, not your master.
DRACULINA: As you wish.
CHIEF: [rubbing temples] Johnson, meet your new partner.
JOHNSON: What in the…
DRACULINA: [whispers] I have secrets.
Together, they will solve cases for the newly formed occult crimes task force.
OCCULT CRIMES TASK FORCE.
To recap: Michael Bay is producing a cop show about a loose cannon and a witch who work together to solve crime. Take the rest of the week off, everybody. We’ve got nowhere to go but down.
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