Well, It Looks Like I’ll Never Get Around To Watching That Show You Like

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All this week, we’re taking a look at the past, present, and future of Peak TV, the current, overabundant TV golden age in which we live.

So, hey. Can we talk for a second? Real quick, I promise. I just need to be honest with you. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about it all, and, well… I’m not even really sure how to say this. Okay, fine. Here goes: It looks like I’m never going to get around to watching that show you like.

It’s not that I think it will be a bad show. Believe me, I’ve heard your breathless declarations about it. All of them. I’m quite sure it’s a perfectly nice show about a depressed man who is very good at his chosen profession or illegal activity but is still very sad and cheats on his wife a lot, or one about a murder that is very creepy and/or sexy and/or reveals itself to be part of a wide-reaching government and/or organized crime operation, or a comedy that periodically decides to stop being funny and start getting real to the point it will make me physically uncomfortable and cause me to question just what the hell I’m doing with my life right now. I know how much you enjoy it, and how it’s in danger of getting canceled, and how “everyone” should watch it. I still remember the face you made when I told you I hadn’t seen it. I thought someone behind me had just been stabbed.

The problem is that I just don’t have time for another show. I’m already watching Game of Thrones, Fargo, Halt and Catch Fire, Veep, Silicon Valley, New Girl, Billions, Bob’s Burgers, Last Man on Earth, Zoo, Mr. Robot, Black-ish, You’re the Worst, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The Carmichael Show, Daredevil, Jessica Jones, Master of None, Archer, Peaky Blinders, The Americans, South Park, Broad City, Drunk History, Review, Documentary Now, American Crime Story, Baskets, The Night Of, Vice Principals, Preacher, Catastrophe, BoJack Horseman, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, House of Cards, Narcos, and about a dozen other shows I’m forgetting, in addition to the new ones this fall. And even with all of those — Rick and Morty, too! — I still feel like I’m missing so much. It’s getting to be a quality of life thing at this point.

What? No, I will not stop watching Zoo. How dare you.

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If you think about it, me not watching this show is actually good for our friendship. Because if I do start watching it, there are only three ways this can go, and two of them are bad.

– I love it and rip through the three seasons I’m behi-… Wait, three seasons? I have to watch 30 episodes or more to catch up? Jesus. Okay, fine. My point is that I could love it and rip through it and we bond even more over our shared love of it.

– I think it’s fine but I secretly resent you for making me watch it.

– I don’t like it and things get really awkward between us, because now I have to re-think everything I thought I knew about you (“He likes that?”), and then you’ll be doing the same to me, and we’ll have that hanging over our heads for the rest of our lives. Every time one of us thinks about seeing a movie after that, we’ll go to ask the other if they want to see it, but then this show will sneak into our minds and we’ll think twice about it. Everything will be ruined.

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